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Original poster

Is this fair or is DH taking the piss?

37 replies

SweetBabyCheese · 10/12/2022 13:13

DH has a hobby Wink; it’s football. He plays for two different amateur teams as one is through work and the other is a team he plays with eldest DS (a family training session).

DH and DS1 attend the family training session three evenings per week for two hours; they’re usually home at 8:45pm.

I’m at home with other two DC. One of which has SEN and is quite reluctant to do anything at all other than his set routine. He can’t be left alone due to his needs and other DC is too young to be left alone so I’m at home with both DC each evening doing the mundane jobs and prepping everything for the next day.

DH then goes to his own training another 2-3 times per week; usually one evening per week and 1-2 sessions on a weekend (for two hours) .

I’m a SAHM but my time is not free as I have DD (often both) to care for, along with running the home and life admin.

I’m fine shouldering the burdens during the day but I’m getting rather resentful about DH and his lifestyle. Although I don’t know if this is because I have cause to be annoyed or whether it’s because I myself have no hobbies and I’m rather bored.

DH has today come home after training and told me he wants to sign up for a charity tournament next year and he’ll need to be at training more of an evening for the next 8 weeks.

I think he’s taking the piss.
DH doesn’t see the issue as I will be at home anyway mid week so he’ll be expected to stay home for the sake of it; which is true.

Does this sound fair? I’ll accept if I’m being unreasonable. I’m very fed up.

OP posts:
user573010482911233445559002281818484 · 10/12/2022 13:14

He's being unfair.

Fine to train the odd night a week but not as much as he's doing and then adding more. I don't think it's fair on you at all.

Original poster
SweetBabyCheese · 10/12/2022 13:16

When I have raised this with DH previously, he always says he will work around whatever I want to do and he does; but then he will ‘swap’ his time to another day.

For example, if I go out with friends for an evening, he will miss training but then swap it to another evening rather than miss it.

OP posts:
SomethingNastyInTheBallPool · 10/12/2022 13:18

No, that’s completely unfair. He’s taking the piss. You should have as much leisure time as he does.

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Crimsonripple · 10/12/2022 13:20

Totally taking the piss. It's not about you going out for you own evening, it's about having some help all round and then having time to chill.

Grimchmas · 10/12/2022 13:21

You're the children's parent (singular) as far as he is concerned. He is BU.

Sprouttreesareamazing · 10/12/2022 13:21

Add up those hours and ask when your time to do whatever you want is coming from... Stare him out all the while.

My exh was similarly selfish.
Exh...

raspberrytinsel · 11/12/2022 10:00

That is dreadfully unfair OP, at the very least I'd be telling him he needs to drop out of one of the teams.

Rainbowqueeen · 11/12/2022 10:05

I agree he needs to drop a team and give you a chance to pursue your interests. He also needs to parent all his children. It sounds like 2 of them barely see him

lemmein · 11/12/2022 10:09

He sounds like a selfish dickhead; but as he thinks he's so reasonable he'll have no issue dropping it all and looking after his kids every night and weekend whilst you go and do a hobby?

I seriously couldn't be with someone like this, the resentment would lead me to planning their murder 🙈

MelchiorsMistress · 11/12/2022 10:12

The family football thing with the oldest ds sounds like a good thing. It’s nice that he still gets the opportunity to do something regularly with a parent when the alternative would be that much of his time is dictated by a baby sibling and a sibling with a disability. Would he be included in the charity tournament too, or is that a work thing? The extra work football is too much and I wouldn’t be happy about because it’s that that means he’s never around for you or his other two children.

Username112233 · 11/12/2022 10:14

He's selfish and self absorbed. My husband was like this and we're now separated. It's alien to me how people can't see that they're choosing their own wants and needs over that of their family.

SmokeyToo · 11/12/2022 10:43

I was married to a man like that...it was also football with him.

InSummertime · 11/12/2022 10:49

I was married to a man like this who said ‘you are not doing a hobby what does it matter if I am out cycling every night - you go out cycling if you want.’ Then he implied I was lazy - I just wanted him
to do the same amount of parenting that I did. His attitude if the kids were getting ready for bed that was ‘boring’ and he could disappear leaving the mental emotional and physical load to me.

a divorce played into that narrative I have the children he doesn’t. He swans in and takes him to the zoo or normally to his parents where they do all the parenting / he is a man child

InternetRandom · 11/12/2022 10:57

Unfair. The 'you'd be at home anyway' argument doesn't make any sense, as you currently have to be at home precisely because he isn't! You could be out doing something yourself if he was there. He seems to assume that would just never happen. I would get a hobby quick smart.

I agree that it's nice to do the football with your eldest and that's the one he should stick with. But otherwise, he needs to spend more time with the other kids. Does he ever take care of them all by himself? It doesn't sound like it.

CongaLine · 11/12/2022 11:10

DH doesn’t see the issue as I will be at home anyway mid week so he’ll be expected to stay home for the sake of it; which is true.

No, he'll be expected to stay home to carry out his fair share of the parenting duties and spend time with his other two children. As an added bonus he'll be improving his wife's quality of life as you'll no longer be the sole adult and doing all the drudge-work.

He sounds more like an uncle who dips in and out for the fun stuff and then buggers off. He's being incredibly selfish here.

PingPongMerrilyWithPie · 11/12/2022 11:30

It's him not seeing the issue which is worrying. When do you get a break from the kids? Does he even acknowledge you need one?

It is harder to negotiate this stuff than if you were both working, but that just makes it more important that you hold your own. Not doing paid work doesn't mean you don't need a break.

How old is your youngest and what are your plans for preschool for her?

Ladybug14 · 11/12/2022 11:46

Take up a hobby yourself (or pretend to) and explain that on the equivalent number of evenings to him, you will be out and you'll need him at home to look after the children

So he's out Mon evening, Weds evening, Fri evening, Sunday morning

You're 'out' (of the house) Tuesday evening, Thursday evening, Saturday morning, Sunday afternoon

That should help focus his mind and give you some time for you

MostlyHappyMummy · 11/12/2022 11:56

What @Ladybug14 said
theres no other way of making him see what it feels like
although it would be better for you to just continue with that pattern so you get regular time away

panko · 11/12/2022 11:59

Ladybug14 · 11/12/2022 11:46

Take up a hobby yourself (or pretend to) and explain that on the equivalent number of evenings to him, you will be out and you'll need him at home to look after the children

So he's out Mon evening, Weds evening, Fri evening, Sunday morning

You're 'out' (of the house) Tuesday evening, Thursday evening, Saturday morning, Sunday afternoon

That should help focus his mind and give you some time for you

Yup do this and go our and have fun at the cinema or something. Give it a couple of weeks and he'll realised.

Supernormative · 11/12/2022 11:59

So he's out training up to 6 times a week? That's a lot. No problem with him doing that but you also then get to go out 6 times a week leaving him to deal with the children.

XanaduKira · 11/12/2022 12:00

lemmein · 11/12/2022 10:09

He sounds like a selfish dickhead; but as he thinks he's so reasonable he'll have no issue dropping it all and looking after his kids every night and weekend whilst you go and do a hobby?

I seriously couldn't be with someone like this, the resentment would lead me to planning their murder 🙈

Me too!

SavingKitten · 11/12/2022 12:03

The football with the eldest sounds like a good idea for your child more than anything so I wouldn’t begrudge that. His own football on top sounds annoying though.

SavingKitten · 11/12/2022 12:07

DH doesn’t see the issue as I will be at home anyway mid week so he’ll be expected to stay home for the sake of it; which is true.

I no a lot of others have said you should go out 6 times a week aswell. But for me that was never the point, I wanted support and companionship at home while we parented together some evenings. So he wouldn’t be home for the sake of it as he said, he’d be home with his kids and wife living his life. If he does absolutely nothing at home anyway then yes it would be ‘for the sake of it’, in which case it’d be time to kick him out regardless anyway. If he see’s at that only one of you need to be home with the kids at a time, I’d say that’s a problem, because were does your relationship come into it?

Balaya · 11/12/2022 12:16

It's really quite easy to work out what is fair.

How many hours per week do each of you spend doing work, childcare, housework, admin, DIY, and any other things that have to be done.

How much spare time do you each have left? If it's 'fair' it should be roughly equal.

If he has time to indulge in hobbies but you don't (even if you don't have any formal hobbies) then it is unfair.

A lot of my mum friends appear to have their dc in the hobby category as far as their DH are concerned. Some DH seem to have DIY as their hobby. Maybe that is how they both feel, so good on them. But if it is not how you feel then some thing needs to be done.

I do think the training sessions with DS could be classed as childcare, but his own sessions are his free time.

MegaClutterSlut · 11/12/2022 12:18

Yanbu, hth can he not see how unfair it is that its all on to you? Total pisstake