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Original poster

Would you actually ask a couple getting married where your invitation to the wedding was?

35 replies

ComtesseDeSpair · 08/12/2022 14:18

I often see threads on here where the OP is posting having discovered that they haven’t been invited to a friend’s wedding, usually after having heard other people talking about it. They’re frequently advised to “check” with the couple marrying whether their invitation hasn’t been forgotten or “lost in the post” - some people advise this in a genuine manner, others suggest to do it passive aggressively to make a point.

Has anyone actually ever done this or recommend somebody they know in real life did so? Is it considered normal for weddings? Is it just an MN thing?! It genuinely wouldn’t occur to me to automatically assume I was invited to a wedding unless it was my absolute best friend or my brother - and the threads I’ve seen it’s often somebody who the OP even admits they don’t consider a very close friend.

OP posts:
BendingSpoons · 08/12/2022 14:35

No way would I ask in real life. Sadly it sometimes shows that people you consider close friends don't feel the same about you. I chased anyone who didn't RSVP so any lost invitations would be noticed then.

If I really thought it was a lost invitation, I might say (in person) 'I'd love to see photos/hear about your day' etc. I get that is still a bit ambiguous, but putting someone on the spot isn't a great idea really.

piglet81 · 08/12/2022 14:36

Nooooo. I might fish gently for info from mutual friends.

Ponderingwindow · 08/12/2022 14:39

No. If the invitation got lost in the mail, the bride or groom would be calling to follow-up and find out why they did not receive an rsvp.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Weddings
HavfrueDenizKisi · 08/12/2022 14:48

Yes these threads are hilarious - the amount of people saying 'just ask it's probably lost in the post' really must be living in a total parallel universe to me. Of course you'd never bloody well ask that. How rude would it be?

Any 'lost' invites would be followed up for an RSVP and that's when genuine mistakes would be rectified.

I don't know one person in real life who would ever ask.

Itsoktogiveup · 08/12/2022 14:52

If I knew them well enough to expect an invite, we’d have mutual friends (or family). I’d get someone else to ask the bride if I was invited, but I wouldn’t ask myself, how awkward is that!

I did this once for a bday event and it turned out that my invite had been given to someone else who had forgotten to give it to me when we met.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 08/12/2022 15:07

Was invited to a colleagues wedding a few years ago. Turned up in the evening as per the invitation and was met with a very passive agressive "Oh, nice of you to finally show up!"

Turned out that he'd meant to invite me to the day, there'd been an empty seat on one of the tables for me, a wasted meal etc. Luckily I had the invite with me to show him that it was his cock up rather than mine.

I had however had a conversation with another colleague earlier in the week who was sure I was meant to be at the day with him. I was sure he must be wrong, but even if he wasn't, how could I check. It would have been the height of rudeness for me to actually say "Are you sure you didn't mean to invite me to the day?"

Dinoteeth · 08/12/2022 15:13

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 08/12/2022 15:07

Was invited to a colleagues wedding a few years ago. Turned up in the evening as per the invitation and was met with a very passive agressive "Oh, nice of you to finally show up!"

Turned out that he'd meant to invite me to the day, there'd been an empty seat on one of the tables for me, a wasted meal etc. Luckily I had the invite with me to show him that it was his cock up rather than mine.

I had however had a conversation with another colleague earlier in the week who was sure I was meant to be at the day with him. I was sure he must be wrong, but even if he wasn't, how could I check. It would have been the height of rudeness for me to actually say "Are you sure you didn't mean to invite me to the day?"

I think I might have got colleague to check as he's obviously discussed with the groom.

Generally no I wouldn't ask about invite to a wedding. However some things on here are weird, invites to Hen dos but not the actual wedding. That would make me question things?

I can understand invite to wedding but not the Hen do, but not the other way round.

DelurkingAJ · 08/12/2022 15:13

I wish my cousin had done so. She hadn’t given us (or DM) her new address (we’re a very scattered family) and just assumed she wasn’t invited. We found only when we chased for an RSVP, at which point she was already busy that weekend.

Merrow · 08/12/2022 15:16

A friend asked on behalf of a friend for our wedding. Their invitation had got lost in the post! We were glad to have had it sorted, and the middle man approach probably made it less awkward all round.

Someone did get shirty with DP that they hadn't been invited after they saw the photos, at which point DP pointed out that they hadn't spoken in nearly two years.

UnderPowered · 08/12/2022 18:05

We currently don't seem to have been invited to a family wedding. I'm a bit hurt when I think of it, but I wasn't thinking of asking anyone about it.

Original poster
ComtesseDeSpair · 08/12/2022 19:12

Hmm, a mixed response. I was curious because last night DP received a message from the fifth person / couple now, saying how excited they are about our wedding, but they haven’t received their invitation yet / it must have been lost in the post so can we re-send it so they have the details.

None of these people were invited. It’s really surprised us because whenever asked about plans we’ve always been pretty explicit that we intended to keep it very small, just family and closest friends - so it’s not as if we’ve given the impression that it’s a 300 guest extravaganza for everyone we know. It’s actually a guest list of under 40 and none of those who’ve asked about their invitation are people we’d consider especially close friends: in two cases we’ve only known the couple in question for about a year and haven’t ever socialised with them outside of a larger group. I do get it with family, or if you have a very close. long-standing friendship; but three of the above people I don’t think I’ve met more than ten times in total and only with others there!

It’s been really awkward having to actually tell them outright that they aren’t invited when they thought they were, and I can only imagine it’s been just as awkward and embarrassing for them. I’d hate to think they’d been put up to it by others as some kind of “it’s totally normal to ask” thing.

OP posts:
Merrow · 08/12/2022 19:27

Have some of the larger group been invited? I've noticed that when socialising happens on a group basis the whole group tends to be invited even if you actually mainly speak to a few of them!

Dinoteeth · 08/12/2022 19:30

Has he been neglecting to tell people that it's a really small wedding?
One person calling is odd, five people calling means their's been some mis-communication somehow.

NoelNoNoel · 08/12/2022 19:34

It sounds like some wanna be guests can’t accept they aren’t in the bride or grooms top 30 or whatever people in the world.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 08/12/2022 19:46

I didn’t ask the person straight out but asked my best friend who knew her.

We were all part of a big clubbing crowd but the person getting married took an instant irrational dislike to me from the first moment we were introduced yet she had to be nice to me as my best mate was dating guy who worked at MTV and got us into clubs for free. She was living and working with a millionaire friend of ours.

If she’d been able to get away with not inviting me I’m sure she would’ve done but she’d have got so much grief over it so she invited me.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 08/12/2022 19:47

In your case OP just say it’s a small wedding and you’ll either have or won’t have a party to celebrate afterwards.

CryCeratops · 08/12/2022 19:54

I wouldn’t ask the wedding couple directly.

I might ask a mutual family member / friend to check, if I thought we were close enough to expect an invite.

LoobyDop · 08/12/2022 19:59

I’d ask someone else who was going to check for me. If I didn’t know anyone else who was going it would seem sensible to assume I wasn’t invited.
But as others have said, we checked with people who hadn’t RSVPed. Four times, in one particular case 🙄

NimrodNimroy · 08/12/2022 20:26

We had a very small wedding abroad approx 25 people. I had an old friend tell me she was really hurt and asked me why she wasn't invited I was just honest and said we weren't close anymore, she didn't even have my phone number she had to get it off a mutual friend so she could ask.

It was easier to say no to all the random people MIL invited. We would get calls or messages over social media from random people we vaguely knew who she had invited to come along. They'd ring us out of the blue to ask for the flight details and the hotels we would recommend for them to stay. This carried on right up until a week before we flew out. Even though MIL was told if she didn't stop it she would be uninvited herself.

thesnow · 08/12/2022 20:37

I did.

This was one of my best friends at university, lived together, thick and thin. Marrying another friend who I'd briefly dated, nothing serious. I introduced them. Fair enough, we had grown apart as we both got our careers going and I had a new baby.

I asked about my wedding invite. "Sorry- numbers." Numbers? Oh. Right.

I have refused to speak to either of them since, and feel very sad, and question my whole judgement of whether I really have any true friends at all. Because I thought they were my friends, and actually... I'm numbers.

So, yeah, I asked. Because I didn't dream I would be off the list for someone who was so high up my list. I don't think I'm on the "A list" for anyone.

onlyonedayaweek · 08/12/2022 20:48

I have asked very indirectly about a family wedding via a third party, and it turned out I was invited - I thought this was likely as both my siblings were, and my relative had been to my wedding. But I would never have asked the bridal couple directly.

Starseeking · 08/12/2022 20:50

Yours is an easy one to explain away OP, I'd just let these people know that your wedding is really small (close family only?), so you'll catch up with them when your back from honeymoon (or similar).

Cheeseandhoney · 08/12/2022 20:51

For close friends yes, I’d not think about it, but not for less close friends. It depends on the relationship

bumpytrumpy · 08/12/2022 21:03

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 08/12/2022 15:07

Was invited to a colleagues wedding a few years ago. Turned up in the evening as per the invitation and was met with a very passive agressive "Oh, nice of you to finally show up!"

Turned out that he'd meant to invite me to the day, there'd been an empty seat on one of the tables for me, a wasted meal etc. Luckily I had the invite with me to show him that it was his cock up rather than mine.

I had however had a conversation with another colleague earlier in the week who was sure I was meant to be at the day with him. I was sure he must be wrong, but even if he wasn't, how could I check. It would have been the height of rudeness for me to actually say "Are you sure you didn't mean to invite me to the day?"

And the colleague didn't think to text you earlier in the day when your empty space was noted?

70billionthnamechange · 09/12/2022 07:05

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 08/12/2022 19:46

I didn’t ask the person straight out but asked my best friend who knew her.

We were all part of a big clubbing crowd but the person getting married took an instant irrational dislike to me from the first moment we were introduced yet she had to be nice to me as my best mate was dating guy who worked at MTV and got us into clubs for free. She was living and working with a millionaire friend of ours.

If she’d been able to get away with not inviting me I’m sure she would’ve done but she’d have got so much grief over it so she invited me.

Why would you even want to go to this. How odd