I've known him though a sport for a long time, but really as someone who belonged to the same club, a brief chat about the sport, had some friends in common. I wouldn't have called him a friend or claimed to know him well.
Then nearly 3 years ago, at the height of Covid, DH was diagnosed with cancer, he was bedbound for the last 6m of his life and died 18 months ago. 18 months isn't long, but we really lost him more than 2 years ago. He was hospitalised when we couldn't see him for a long time and when he came home he wasn't the man we'd waved off to hospital. It was a horrible, very traumatic time. Terrible whenever, but looking back I can't believe "we" as a population allowed those things to happen because of Covid. He was told it was terminal, alone in hospital, by telephone because his consultant was shielding and even then I still couldn't visit. He was in hospital with no visitors for 3 months of his last year.
This coincided with a time when "man" was newly single and living with his father temporarily because the chain had broken on a house purchase. He was bored and we weren't allowed to do much or see many people but we were allowed to run in pairs.
So, while DH was in hospital we started going for a run and a chat. He was a huge support during that time, perfectly well behaved, good company, demanded nothing of me. Just kept turning up when others would say "let me know..." and then I wouldn't hear from them for weeks.
Then when DH came home, he still kept coming to take me out for a run and then he'd sit and chat with DH for a while (they did know each other vaguely too) which was an absolute godsend for both of us. Not strictly within the rules at the time, but I considered he was helping with the care.
Since DH died, my friendship groups have changed, in that our couple friends have drifted off and I've become closer to single people I know. I've developed a nice group of single people, of which he is one and have a busy social life.
Anyway this has been ticking along quite nicely until when, admittedly we were both very drunk, he kissed me last weekend.
I hadn't thought about him like that, just been grateful for the friendship, but now that feels a bit naive. TBH I'm nearly at a place where I'd consider forming some sort of relationship and seeing where it goes (I appreciate one kiss doesn't make it that) and he's a good man and good company and attractive but I have 3 big worries:
- it will ruin everything with my new friends who really have got me through so far, especially if ita short lived/ends badly.
- it will look like we were "carrying on" all through DH's illness. To a point, I don't care what others think, but it would bother me if I thought he'd planned this all along. If he did, he's played a very long game though!
- although it's almost 3 years since I lost my husband, it's only 18mo since DC lost their dad and Ds2 isn't coping well. I'd hate it if they thought I'd moved on too quickly and really hate it if they felt something was going on during his illness or very soon after his death. Dc are young adults, living at home what, if anything do I tell them?
I feel some fun and sex might be just what i need, but maybe this isn't the right person for that. What do you think?