I've got myself in a strange situation with a friend/acquaintance

[Nyedilemma]

I've known him though a sport for a long time, but really as someone who belonged to the same club, a brief chat about the sport, had some friends in common. I wouldn't have called him a friend or claimed to know him well.

Then nearly 3 years ago, at the height of Covid, DH was diagnosed with cancer, he was bedbound for the last 6m of his life and died 18 months ago. 18 months isn't long, but we really lost him more than 2 years ago. He was hospitalised when we couldn't see him for a long time and when he came home he wasn't the man we'd waved off to hospital. It was a horrible, very traumatic time. Terrible whenever, but looking back I can't believe "we" as a population allowed those things to happen because of Covid. He was told it was terminal, alone in hospital, by telephone because his consultant was shielding and even then I still couldn't visit. He was in hospital with no visitors for 3 months of his last year.

This coincided with a time when "man" was newly single and living with his father temporarily because the chain had broken on a house purchase. He was bored and we weren't allowed to do much or see many people but we were allowed to run in pairs.

So, while DH was in hospital we started going for a run and a chat. He was a huge support during that time, perfectly well behaved, good company, demanded nothing of me. Just kept turning up when others would say "let me know..." and then I wouldn't hear from them for weeks.

Then when DH came home, he still kept coming to take me out for a run and then he'd sit and chat with DH for a while (they did know each other vaguely too) which was an absolute godsend for both of us. Not strictly within the rules at the time, but I considered he was helping with the care.

Since DH died, my friendship groups have changed, in that our couple friends have drifted off and I've become closer to single people I know. I've developed a nice group of single people, of which he is one and have a busy social life.

Anyway this has been ticking along quite nicely until when, admittedly we were both very drunk, he kissed me last weekend.

I hadn't thought about him like that, just been grateful for the friendship, but now that feels a bit naive. TBH I'm nearly at a place where I'd consider forming some sort of relationship and seeing where it goes (I appreciate one kiss doesn't make it that) and he's a good man and good company and attractive but I have 3 big worries:

• it will ruin everything with my new friends who really have got me through so far, especially if ita short lived/ends badly.
• it will look like we were "carrying on" all through DH's illness. To a point, I don't care what others think, but it would bother me if I thought he'd planned this all along. If he did, he's played a very long game though!
• although it's almost 3 years since I lost my husband, it's only 18mo since DC lost their dad and Ds2 isn't coping well. I'd hate it if they thought I'd moved on too quickly and really hate it if they felt something was going on during his illness or very soon after his death. Dc are young adults, living at home what, if anything do I tell them?

I feel some fun and sex might be just what i need, but maybe this isn't the right person for that. What do you think?

You don’t need to tell anyone. Just date, don’t formally introduce to anyone and if he pops by at home whist the kids are there just introduce him with no explanation. He is just a friend as far as anyone else is concerned. It’s going to be difficult with your kids, who ever you introduce and whenever. My mum died when my dad was 50. It was only when I was 50 did I really appreciate how young and lonely my dad must have been.

Our friends will know though. And once they know everyone at the club will know! They're already "joking" about us because we are amazing together on a dance floor 😆

He has actually stayed at my house a few times, in the spare room, for convenience after a night out. DC don't seem to have any qualms about that, I suspect because it hasn't occurred to them that their mum might have/want a love life.

It sounds like he was also working through some difficult times too. I would be inclined to believe that he wasn't playing you and was simply being a friend through that time and something has now developed- perhaps too soon for you. I agree with others to take it slow.
I also wonder if you can be honest with your children about it; you say they are adult children and depending on how they would take it it might be better to introduce the idea of you tentatively exploring the possibility of dating sooner rather than later. Much worse if they were to find out through other means. Ultimately I would imagine they will want to see you happy, even if takes a bit of getting their head round. Wishing you lots of luck and happiness for the future.

I think enjoy the frisson. Don’t talk about it and kill it off before it’s even begun. Just let it slow burn into something and hopefully at some point he’ll pull your cracker and it will be amazing.

I'm a grown adult, my mum died of cancer last year and I wouldn't be thrilled if my dad 'moved on' now or 10 years from now. I'm not saying at all that your children's feelings don't matter but it's always going to be tricky in that sense. Do they have to know anything ?

No they don't need to know, but I wouldn't want to be dishonest with them or to have to admit later that it had been going on longer than they thought.

DS2 particularly has had very fragile MH for the last 12 months. He seems to be in a better place recently and I'd be devastated if something I did set that back.

As an aside (drip feed?) I also need to tell them that their GF (my dad) has recently been diagnosed with cancer. His prognosis is quite positive, considering his age, but he's always been close to my boys and has really stepped up for them since Dh and so far I haven't been brave enough to tell them. He's due to start treatment in the new year, so I have to do it soon.

Yes, this is why I'm veering towards just pretending it didn't happen.

Speak to your kids if it starts to develop anything. If they’re adults it’s okay to treat them as such

Hi OP,
I'm sorry for everything you have been through and I'm sorry you lost your lovely husband.

Your running buddy sounds like a nice man and a good friend.
I don't think him liking you means you were played. We like people. You were a married lady and he never disrespected that. He also never pressured you in your grief. Even if he did like you he was only interested if you liked him back. The fact you haven't heard from him after your kiss he is probably still unsure if you like him.

As for all your other thoughts and worries I think your mind is racing ahead of where you need to be. You don't need to worry about people thinking you were "carrying on" or declaring relationships. Don't plan to skip all the best bits and go straight to a full on relationship. This guy thinks highly of you and you have all the time in the world as long as he has some reason to believe you like him.

A more pertinent question is
Would he like to go for lunch on Saturday?
Or the Christmas Market (wherever) Sunday?

Your kids will have noticed a man in their spare room and if you simply tell them (assuming they are of age to be left) I'm going to the Christmas marker with runner man today so I'll be back about 6 - I doubt they will be surprised or shocked.

I hope you have some lovely times dating your friend. You deserve some happiness.

These things can happen along without us realising at all. My DGF lost my GM to Brest cancer when he would've been late forties. Her best friend was there for him and within a year they were married and have been happily married for nearly 40 years.
Trauma and grief bond people together and this is far more common than you realise. If this is what you want, go gently but enjoy it.

I actually know a couple like that. Apparently it's quite common. In this situation it was the wife who died and her best friend was long term single. They're still together now in their 60s but his DC have never forgiven them and he doesn't see his GC

They've always maintained that nothing happened until after her death, but the DC don't believe it.

My mum died a few years ago and initially I was horrified at the thought of dad moving on, especially as there was one lady friend in particular who my mum (and therefore I) didn't trust.

Fast forward to now and I'd be delighted if dad met someone new - he has a busy social life but I wish he had someone to holiday with, do fun stuff at weekends etc. But he tells me he's not bothered. Ironically the woman I didn't trust has been a great friend to him and now it wouldn't bother me at all if they got involved, I'd wish them well!

The guy I stopped kissing because I was drunk ten years ago is snoring softly next to me at the moment. Took us another three months after that kiss to get together, but it was worth it.

I am so sorry about your husband. It really brings it home to us how terrible that time was.

Your friend sounds wonderful. However, I think your child has to have his needs put first at the moment. When he starts to recover, which he will, then that would be the time to tell him about the relationship.

In the meantime, I think your friend should come to the house as normal, but there should be no romance within the house. I think you need to talk to your friend and see what he thinks.

People often can and do fall in love again following the death of a partner.

Lots of people fall in love with friends/their late partners friends/family members etc

Not that long someone posted on here about having mixed feelings about falling for her late husband's brother and sleeping with him;they sounded like they had a good thing going and were well suited it was just the pre-existing relationship that had her understandably rattled.

I don't think he had an agenda;he's a kind person who became friends with you and your husband and your friendship has grown.

If the opportunity comes up in a quiet moment, I think I would say something about it not being a no but more a not right now. Otherwise he might just think you’re not interested at all which would be a shame. I definitely don’t think he is a player. He sounds like he has very sensitively supported you and waited until he thought you might be ready. Maybe he always liked you, maybe it was something that grew as your friendship developed. You’ll never know if you just ignore it!

So I've had a lovely evening on my own tonight. I cooked myself risotto so I had an excuse to open the wine 😆

I'm going to meet up with him tomorrow to watch the football. He's coming here and we'll walk to the pub to meet friends, then he's staying the night. I have plans at 8:30 Sat so will have to kick him out early (I really should tell him that!). It's a 30 min walk and then the same again home and it's going to be cold ....

So do I pretend nothing happened and enjoy the frisson or is it a "do we need to talk?" moment.

If he's on MN he will absolutely recognise himself !

I mean if I ignore it, I get to enjoy the will they /won't they for a bit longer, but equally he could look elsewhere.

Please update with how your evening went 🥰.

I'm sorry for your loss. Your experiences sound truly horrendous.
A good friend of ours lost his wife in a tragic accident. About 9 months later he announced he was in a relationship with an old friend. Whilst the initial statement raised an eyebrow amongst some, we were just genuinely pleased for him.
There is no set time that makes a new relationship "acceptable" after a death. For some it might be a month for others ten years won't be enough. His wife was never coming back, as brutal as that is to say. So he could stay alone and grieve for 5 years until public opinion was in his favour, or he could have a partner who gave him comfot and joy whilst he grieved. As a friend, I know what I wished for him.
Children make the situation a lot more complicated, of course. You have to tread carefully - I always think honesty is the best course. If you're worried about them thinking you overlapped, I'd confront that head on.
But more than anything please remember you deserve to be happy and to enjoy your life. Good luck with it all.

So I'm going to be blunt
18 months is long enough for it not too look as if something was going on with this many while DH was alive. I think the truth, that he was a huge support while you and DH were going through a shit time, that you've become closer since DH died is very well supported by the time since.
If you are close to your children I'd consider talking to them like adults and say you've realised you might want to start exploring relationships and how would they feel?
You could even say you are attracted to OM, nothing had happened yet but you wanted to see what their thoughts were before you pursued it?

My dad died when I was a young adult and there's no way I'd have wanted to impose my feelings on to my mum meeting someone new.

I was thrilled when she met someone, it's her life and she deserved to have a companion too.

I hope your evening went well.

I was widowed in my 40s. A few months later was introduced to someone (long and very very outing story) and we were friends for a year. He lived at a distance but we stayed in touch, as friends, until he told me how he felt about me. It was a totally out of the blue, Roy Scheider on the beach in Jaws moment when everything went haywire and I realised this was kind of massive.

We had our 10th wedding anniversary earlier this year. Dear OP, even if not with him, you will be happy again and you deserve that.