My friend's behaviour is confusing me, and I'm feeling hurt by it too. 🤔

[PumpkinsandSpice]

I've known her for about 10 years since she moved into our village. We soon got chatting and became close friends, ie, spent time at each other's homes, enjoyed evenings out together, sometimes with both our partners too.

The last few years though, she's really drifted, and never bothers to make contact unless I do, although it used to be about 50/50. Yet if we run into each other at the local shop, car park etc she's SO effusive, greets me with a hug, saying we must catch up soon, yet when I text to suggest a day she agrees, sounding keen, then just cancels on the day with a lame excuse, promises to rearrange and doesn't. 🤔

I've stopped initiating contact now, as it became all one-way, I think the last time I attempted it was around Easter. I thought she might reach out to me in all these months, but no, nothing. 🙁

I bumped into her a few weeks ago and first thing she said was 'Oh it's your birthday next week, isn't it! I'm going to pop round with a little something for you on your birthday, we can catch up properly and then go out the following week, I'll be in touch'! Well, my birthday was 2 weeks ago and she didn't turn up at all, didn't even put a card in the door, just wished me 'happy birthday' on Facebook. No contact from her about going out, either, yet she was SO effusive and seemed pleased to see me when she mentioned it!

She also mentions seeing me walk past her office (it's a small village)! and says she always means to get in touch but just doesn't get round to it. 🤔 I do have other friends🙂, but I miss her, she doesn't seem bothered at all. Am I silly for feeling so hurt?

You’re not silly, it’s natural to feel hurt.

But she can fuck off. What a faker. I’ve known people like this - so so effusive in the moment because they like to experience themselves like that. But it means nothing more.

No you’re not silly for feeling hurt. She’s not being nice.

Personally, I’d just stop thinking about her and I’d move on. If she gets in contact, I’d just ignore her tbh.

YANBU . She is a shit friend. Move on . Her loss

I think most people would feel at least somewhat hurt by this, irked by it at the very least.

I imagine she feels uncomfortable when she sees you in person ( as it often is when you unexpectedly see someone you've drifted from) so is over compensating. Let's face it most people do the spiel about 'we must meet up' if you bump into them and it usually comes to nothing. I think it's just people trying to appear social or not really knowing what to say so they start down that route.

I think I'd try to just move on from it. If she wanted to pop over then she would and she never does. I'd be polite if I saw her but probably wouldn't stop to chat at length. Either that or just speak to her about it. There is a degree to which we can choose how much we let people have control over our lives and I'd exercise it here by not indulging it.

Yes, I'm having to accept now she's not the warm, genuine person I always thought she was. Dh suggested I may have 'set a precedent'. By still appearing ok with her, and not having a go when she cancels, could be letting her think suggesting meet-ups/being chatty when our paths cross etc, is as good as staying in touch, even if she cancels plans/doesn't follow through with things. Hmm, maybe. I'm not a fiery/snappy person though, I felt v hurt about it inside but probably seem normal when we meet.
I'm definitely the quieter one of the 2 of us, but I've always loved her extroverted personality, and she's said many times she enjoys my 'quiet humour', hmm, she doesn't now, obviously, it seems she's moved on. 🙁

My dd (late teens) was with me when we bumped into her recently, and as we got in the car she said 'Hmm, do you think she just pretends to care but doesn't really?' I said yes, it seems so! Dd knows how often she's cancelled on me!

She was always one of my favourite people to spend time with, but for whatever reason, it seems she's just dropped me. Yes it's the fairness that gets me, why promise to.pop round when she had no intention to?🤔 She's fickle, sadly, I need to accept that.

I meant to say fakeness, not fairness!! 😀
And yes, she only lives 2 minutes walk away, if she wanted to see me,, she would. 🤔

What a faker. I’ve known people like this - so so effusive in the moment because they like to experience themselves like that

Nail on head. Never found the right description for this behaviour before but you're so right, this is it.

No you're not silly.
I had a friend a bit like this. So lovely when I was with her. Said lovely things and I thought we had a good time bla bla bla. I always in my initiated things, she could be flakey but I really enjoyed her company so let some of it slide. But then eventually it was like she just kept saying oh I'll see you in a bit or never making a date and never responding and I realised even more it was just me so I left it and well, never heard back. I left the ball in her court, literally told her if she wanted to see me she needs to tell me a date (as she was the one who couldn't do loads of dates) and then.... Nothing. I didn't chase cos I'd got tired of chasing.
But I rang wanted her to respond.
I thought we were good friends. I was hurt. And I still don't understand it really

I'm going to offer a different perspective on this, OP. You could easily be describing someone I know very well. She's genuinely a lovely person but there are things - very unhappy things, hidden from most people - going on in her life.

You might want to dial back your enthusiasm as you aren't getting anywhere and it's understandably hurting you, but she might not be a bad or fake person.

She was always one of my favourite people to spend time with, but for whatever reason, it seems she's just dropped me.

Did you often help with children when they were younger? Maybe now they're older she doesn't 'need' you so much & so can't be bothered to make an effort?

Thank you all. I suppose she may have things going on privately, which affect her socially, nothing is obvious from the outside though.

There was a link, I suppose with me & one of her children. I work at the local primary school (not teaching, but office based). When her eldest child was there, he was bullied by another boy. He was shy back then, and his mum asked if I could look out for him. He did come and find me a few times, so I'd let him sit in the office at lunchtime, and spoke to his teacher.

He started secondary school about 3 years ago now though . Also, both our dh's used to work at the same company, but my dh changed jobs after the Pandemic, so they've no longer got work in common. It's possible, I suppose that she feels our friendship was 'circumstantial' and that time has passed, but I felt we had more in common/a deeper friendship than just the 'school and dh's work' link. Maybe she didn't think so, hmm. 🤔

Well they do say judge a person by their actions not their words...

I met a friend locally through a mutual friend when we moved to a new area. We spent time together as well as with our mutual friend and she told me that she buoyed my company.

She dropped me off one day, after we’d been out together a few years ago and I haven’t heard from her since. No text, Christmas card, message or anything. I got the message, but I’ve still no idea why.

This could be me. I mean it's not me, but I think she's possibly really struggling. She means everything she says and she wants it to be true, but somehow she can't make it happen because everything is difficult.

I'm not saying you should do anything or feel bad, but don't assume she's horrible or doesn't like you. If you want to stay friends with her just be there when she's able to come back. If you don't because you're too hurt, totally understandable. But she's probably crap rather than a bitch.

I second this too. Some people put on a brave face (and may ‘look’ absolutely fine) but are struggling to cope with day to day life. There could be more to this than you realise

I‘ve been guilty of this.

I do it because I sufferer from severe depression that no one else would ever know about. I am so great and hiding it that I act the same as that friend if I see someone in public but I can’t follow though because when I am not in that moment acting, I feel so fucking terrible all the time and the thought of actually doing something makes me not want to be here. No one would guess how my life is when I am not acting enthusiastic.

Maybe she’s just a knob though.

Or, maybe she is just really, really busy. I have so many people I would like to spend more time with. But I have small children and extremely limited options for childcare. So realistically I can socialise about 6 times a year.
which is tricky when you have about twenty people you would dearly like to maintain a friendship with.
Everyone just says ‘get a babysitter’ but honestly it’s just not that simple

Drop the flaky little sh** like a hot brick.

OP, go with whatever you instinctively feel about her. I can understand why you feel hurt. I know someone who sounds similar and I am learning to take her with a pinch of salt. I don't consider her as close a friend as I did. Also, there is a tendency on her to jump to the fact she may have things going on in her life that are dark and difficult and it is slightly annoying as probably most people have stuff going on in their life but they still manage to be genuine and not talk fake crap to people who are supposed to be friends. I don't think it will necessarily serve you to confront her, she probably can't handle it anyway.

Or just do this! 😂

But then why go on about how you'll definitely meet up and even make plans? And tbh this applies to the depression thing pp said also. If you know you can't meet up with someone or don't/won't want to, just have a little chat and then say "lovely to see you" and say good bye. No need to lie to the person.

Exactly, Frozenghost! It's the 'I'm going to text you/pop round on your birthday/let me know when you're free for coffee' that get to me, when she then just doesn't turn up. Or I text her with a day I'm free, she agrees enthusiastically and cancels. Last time she cancelled with 20 mins notice, I was already on my way to the coffee shop! And guess what, she never rearranged as promised. 🙁 This was months ago.

It seems as though she's 'throwing me crumbs/giving me false hope' 🤔 I think the time has come to accept she sees me as only an acquaintance now, for whatever reason.

I've had this and I think it's actually a narcissistic trait in some people. They get a feel good hit from you when they promise the earth and then out of sight out of mind. Had an ex boyfriend that would talk up all the lovely things he would be doing or buying for my birthday or Christmas. Never happened! Eventually I figured out he was getting a 'hit' from my effusive thanks for his gestures but it was all about him. Not an attractive trait.

You can't change the behaviour but you can change your reaction to this. Luke warm with the expectation it won't happen.

Hi OP. Had a lot of friends like this that I've cut off. Flakey people are not good for the soul and it appears majority are quite flakey. Whereas with me, if I say I'll be there - I'll be there. Very different if you have children, but you can still be a good friend and be busy. It takes two seconds to send a text message. Go with your GUT OP, but she doesn't sound overall bothered.