My friend's behaviour is confusing me, and I'm feeling hurt by it too. 🤔

[PumpkinsandSpice]

I've known her for about 10 years since she moved into our village. We soon got chatting and became close friends, ie, spent time at each other's homes, enjoyed evenings out together, sometimes with both our partners too.

The last few years though, she's really drifted, and never bothers to make contact unless I do, although it used to be about 50/50. Yet if we run into each other at the local shop, car park etc she's SO effusive, greets me with a hug, saying we must catch up soon, yet when I text to suggest a day she agrees, sounding keen, then just cancels on the day with a lame excuse, promises to rearrange and doesn't. 🤔

I've stopped initiating contact now, as it became all one-way, I think the last time I attempted it was around Easter. I thought she might reach out to me in all these months, but no, nothing. 🙁

I bumped into her a few weeks ago and first thing she said was 'Oh it's your birthday next week, isn't it! I'm going to pop round with a little something for you on your birthday, we can catch up properly and then go out the following week, I'll be in touch'! Well, my birthday was 2 weeks ago and she didn't turn up at all, didn't even put a card in the door, just wished me 'happy birthday' on Facebook. No contact from her about going out, either, yet she was SO effusive and seemed pleased to see me when she mentioned it!

She also mentions seeing me walk past her office (it's a small village)! and says she always means to get in touch but just doesn't get round to it. 🤔 I do have other friends🙂, but I miss her, she doesn't seem bothered at all. Am I silly for feeling so hurt?

She doesn’t like uncomfortable confrontation which is why she is all chirpy when she sees you but then keeps her distance.

Leta face it if you live so near to each other and are going to bump into each other it’s not nice to give someone the evil eye or even worse start bickering.

That’s why she quickly slaps a smile on her face and pretends to be pleased to see you.

I’m always tempted when faced by this type to start talking like a five year old who doesn’t understand social code, or a Vulcan who finds it illogical. I’d love to see them squirm and contradict themselves when you innocently say ‘but you didn’t turn up that day, and you cancelled that time, and the time before that, and the last time we met was on the 948th attempt…’ and then smile blankly.

Well you could do that I suppose. But I'm not sure what you'd be hoping to achieve by doing it. Either she's fake and has secretly gone off you in which case you've just proved her justified, is a narcissist in which case she doesn't give a fuck and is probably skilled at turning whatever you say to her advantage, or she's really struggling/depressed in which case you've just made her life worse and yourself look like a dick.

I think the folks saying oh she’s flakey or shit are forgetting that for several years she was a very present friend.

op this change seems to have coincided with the change in school and your husbands job, so it could be she’s moved on. I’d also say covid really impacted some people and they never really got back to who they were , it seems irs been drifting during covid.

I have a friend who has this issue, she’s not a close friend but on the periphery. During covid she developed severe anxiety, her husband is struggling to still get her to go out, if she does, you’d not know, and of course you can’t ask, she really isn’t going to share that she’s developed a mental health issue.

also some friendships waned during the pandemic and it’s hard to get them back in track

Op let it go. I got that crap too ah must meet up!! I took a big step back this year from friends and it fizzled. Honestly got fed up chasing people. Just zero effort or cancel. Its hurtful though.

Yes, I'm very unlikely to know, and if I asked her direct I don't know what reaction I'd get. All the 'cancelling last minute' really annoyed me. I did say, 'Yes you cancelled a few times earlier this year'', when she said it's been so long since we met up. Tbh I was expecting an apology, but all she said was 'Yeah, and I never got round to rearranging'!, laughing as she said it. This made me even more frustrated. 😠

I won't respond any more to her 'text me when you're free' chats, though. For all I know she could be making fun of me to people, ie, 'Oh bless Pumpkins, I only said 'text when you're free' for something to say, and she actually has! 😱 I'll just say yes and then cancel. Something tells me she could well be doing this. 🤔 I won't put myself in that position again.

Either she viewed the friendship as circumstance driven or she has something going on behind the scenes, perhaps depression? People can come across smiley and friendly whilst having a lot going on behind closed doors

1. she’s a faker or
2. she’s tired, unwell, low or struggling but genuinely likes you.

I really wanted to see my friend last week but t I just felt too bad at the last minute to go. Mind you, that was once. I would step back a little and move on.

I'm just updating this thread from before Xmas, as so many of you took the time to reply. 🙂 Due to a few other recent examples of weirdly flakey behaviour from this 'friend', I've stopped making the effort, as it's clear now that she's can't be bothered to for me. 🙁

The birthday issue - A neighbour of ours asked if I'd seen her lately. It turns out she popped in to see this neighbour on HER birthday, which is only 2 weeks after mine, with flowers & a card. All she did for me was a 'Happy Birthday' on Facebook, DESPITE saying she was going to come round. So she obviously thinks more of our neighbour than me. 🙁

We then bumped into each other at New Year, she promised to text me about meeting up in January, but didn't. 🤔
She then texted a few weeks ago, asking for the contact details of our dog groomer, and followed up with 'Let's catch up soon'. I responded with which days are best for me. This was 2 weeks ago, she read the message, but again, no response. 🤔 She then called out to me from her car last weekend, apologising for not responding AGAIN, and promised she would. I actually said 'Well, I wasn't sure if you wanted to meet up or not'! She looked embarrassed and said she really does. Typically, nearly a week on, and still no response.

It was her birthday the other day, it's the first time I haven't put a card through her door. It felt weird not to, but she obviously can't be bothered for me.

I'm still upset by her behaviour, but I've decided to ignore her now. I've felt uncomfortable the last few times we've come across each other. I want to know why she's changed, but sadly I don't think she'll tell me. Dh is telling me to focus on other friendships, he's a bit bewildered by it too, it's difficult when we live so close to them. She's not the person I used to know, that's for sure!

Ignore her if she messages again. I befriended a neighbour like this although to be fair we didn't really know each other and only actually met up once after connecting via a local group. After that for weeks she was like your mate then after arranging something and not bothering to confirm a time on the day like I asked her to I deleted her number. I wish she had messaged me again, but only so I'd have had the immature satisfaction of blanking her! She doesn't value you or your time OP just forget about her.

I've met people like this. I reckon they're stringing you along because they don't want to admit to you the friendship is over and try to cover that up by being extra friendly.

Next time you bump into her don't be all smiles and pleased to see her, be neutral. When she asks how you are just say you're fine but don't make conversation or ask how she is. If she suggests meeting up say there's no point because she'll only cancel last minute, call her out on it. Then say bye and walk away while she stands there looking stunned. She'll never approach you being all effusive like this again.

She's trying to maintain some sort of illusion of friendship - burst the bubble, let her know that you know and she'll stop out of embarrassment if nothing else.

Yes, I think going 'cold' on her myself is the only way to go now. It seems that she's paying me 'lip service' with blatant refusal to put any actual effort in.

And all the things she says, ie, 'You're such a lovely person/lovely family/your daughter's so beautiful/you were always my boys' favourite when you worked at their school' etc, I used to think she meant them but it now all seems a bit patronising. 🤔

I don't think I'll ever understand why she changed, I can only assume I was convenient for a time, and she's moved on without a backwards glance.

You need to block her number and stop all contact.
If you run into her out and she offers to meet up just say no thanks and walk away,
You are way to invested in her
Block o her on Facebook too

You aren't silly at all op. Perfectly understandable to feel hurt by this. Its the easy way she seems to do it and doesn't even think twice , when you'd never do that to a friend.
I have a friend similar, i always knew i was her lock down friend as i was always about and she couldn't go here there and everywhere during lockdown. She was texting me all the time arranging walk, picnics outside etcetera. I enjoyed seeing more of her. But i knew once the world opened up again she'd drop me and she has. She has a very large family and i don't have any extended family and she just doesn't need me now. And yes it hurts, but its also opened my eyes to her. I won't be caught out again.

Thank you both.
ssd, sounds as though you're in a similar situation. 🤔 Yes I feel I'm 'always about' in her eyes, too. I walk the dog, work & local shops are walking distance, so during the week I suppose I'm very visible, almost part of the furniture for her. 🤔

We do a lot outside of the village weekends etc, but she probably thinks if she doesn't keep the contact up she'll bump into me in the week, anyway. Not the same at all for me, but she obviously feels that's enough contact for her. 🤔

I'm going to start just saying 'Hi' and walking on, hopefully she'll realise she's hurt me. We'll see!

Don't hold your breath, i think people like her and my 'friend' don't really see further than their own nose.

You just look after yourself op, put yourself first.