How much nagging does it take for your child to do homework?

[CrinchyGrinchy]

Just that really? I'm trying to understand what is a normal and acceptable amount of nagging for a child to put aside distractions and do their homework.

Back story: My husband insists that my son is nothing like me (I was diagnosed with ADHD at 40 after struggling my entire life). But it often takes a tedious amount of asking, pleading and begging for my son to sit down and focus on his homework. It can take a couple hours a night for him to get it all done because he's getting up and spinning around on the floor or dancing or just goofing around, running to the Alexa and playing with it or asking questions, looking at YouTube videos or playing games, or pestering his sister, etc.

One of the main issues is that all homework and communications between teachers and students are done on the school iPads. So often we'll think my son is actually working, but if I sneak up on him quick enough to look he'll actually be messing around on his iPad watching YouTube or playing games instead of doing his homework.

It's getting extremely tiresome and I suspect my son has adhd but my husband isn't having any of it. Yet he yells at my son and puts him down because he can't focus or concentrate and doesn't take things seriously. I get shot down every time I suggest my son may have adhd, but every night without fail arguments ensue between them and every time the issues my husband gets angry with - easily distracted, doesn't take things seriously, doesn't listen, doesn't pay attention, makes careless mistakes, isn't interested in the homework etc despite really enjoying school can all be attributed to ADHD. My husband insists that his behaviour is normal when I challenge him that it's adhd, and although I feel like I know for certain it is, he's gaslighting me almost insisting that it isn't and points out when my son does well in school that how could I say he has adhd blah blah blah and puts me down and calls me crazy basically.

Also on a side note, does anyone have experience or tips with students almost exclusively using iPads for their work? I can't take it away from him because he needs it for his school work. But if we didn't have it as a distraction Life would be so much easier.

Bump. No one's got children they have to ask to do their homework??

How old is he?

That’s what I was going to ask too.

15 & 16 hear and I don’t have to even remind them, but we did previously put huge efforts into motivating them - talking through careers and what they would need to put in in terms of sustained effort to be able to achieve what they want in life.

DS1 (10, diagnosis of ASD but not ADHD) no input required except if we’ve got a busy weekend he likes some help planning out in his head how he’ll fit it in.

DS2 (6, probably NT) longer than it would take to just blooming DO the homework. (Of course, if he wants to show off to the babysitter he’ll read to them voluntarily, argh!!).

I foresee two very different approaches being needed for secondary as these traits were apparent at nursery age…

He's almost 12

Thank you both. He's currently in secondary school, but this is nothing new. It's been going on a few years. I worry about how much effort will be needed from all of us as he makes his way through secondary school.

It's a nightly battle, and it's just so tiring

So yr 7, just getting used to Secondary. I'm assuming he is getting a lot more homework than he had in Primary?

What would be the consequences if his homework was not handed in on time? Would he get detention? Would that be enough of a shock to persuade him that he needs to start to take it more seriously?

He could just be a kid that isn’t interested or you could be right in that he has ADHD or possibly other ND.

I would speak to the school and see if they’ve noticed anything to indicate ADHD and just to have a chat to see how he’s getting on in general. Does he have other traits?

Speak to your GP if you think he needs assessing. If he doesn’t have it, he doesn’t have it. But if he does, knowing will mean he gets help rather than struggling like you have.

Just leave it to him. If he doesn't do it there will be consequences.

My dd 11 slipped up with her homework. She got a detention. Hasn’t happened since. Actions and consequences and all that.

But more importantly, your husband’s behaviour is not on. He needs to show you some respect, which would mean taking your opinions and concerns seriously.

Mmmm OP it does sound like a lot.

Dd1 is nearly 8 and NT but quite distractable. This is what helps her concentrate - JIC any use -
In the car, before we start off, say "what are we doing first when we get home?" - homework!
When we get in, we start right off, no games, no nothing. Literally. I set her up and THEN go and help her younger siblings with whatever.
I stay in the same room and she will often try things like reading out the instructions in silly voices etc. Normally I'd go along with the joke, but at HW time I just greyrock ("nope, concentrate").

After a bit, she suddenly clicks into her groove and does it. The messing around will last c 10 mins, just to give a comparator.

I know nothing about adhd but is it worth asking a professional?

What would happen if you didn’t nag him? Presumably he would get a detention? Maybe feeling the consequences of not doing it would help motivate him?

If you suspect ADHD take him to the gp to get a diagnosis so he can have some extra support. You don’t need your husbands permission.

I have DS in year 8.
Homework is only ever done after maximum amount of nagging, generally some shouting, occasionally tears (him or me or both) and always to the absolute bare minimum of what the task is.
And that's if it's done at all.
He wouldn't even open the homework app without me telling him umpteen times to do it.
And it's all online which is really not helpful.
Quizlets and audio files and Google docs that he can't remember how to attach.
I fucking hate it.

Your husband isn’t necessarily wrong.
You don’t have to have ADHD to get distracted by the internet on the device in front of you when you’re 12 and the actual task is homework!

Have you used parental controls to block the obvious sites like YouTube? I’d start there.

Then I’d sit with him whilst he does homework. So you can see if he goes off the screen he’s supposed to be on. If he does need to take some time away, then let him go running around, or use a fidget toy, or dance - but not other screen related distractions.

DS age 9= endless nagging. DD age 10- I don’t even know she has homework. Does it all herself, never have to mention it.

Honestly, just get him assessed for ADHD.
I don’t know why you need your DH to agree whether he has or doesn’t have ADHD just to get him tested. It seems the easiest way to end the arguments- ask a professional to asses him.

My 13 year old needs endless, endless cajoling half the time, the other half of the time homework simply doesn’t get done. He has powerful Inattentive ADHD. He’s not motivated by rewards or consequences and is very young emotionally. And I am very tired 😅

His sister? A breeze. Luckily.

None at all. My Y9 just gets in with it. Has done for years (since homework stopped requiring my participation).

He’s pretty good at taking responsibility gig his homework. Sadly, he awful at cleaning up after himself and other basic things. So that’s where my nagging effort goes. 🤦🏻‍♀️

My children did their homework on the bus home. They all did really well and have brilliant post grad jobs ..try not too worry and pick your battles!

Yep, like pushing string to get our son to do homework. He worked at the dining room table or in his bedroom (no tv allowed in his bedroom). We made absolutely sure there was a plentiful supply of stationery to thwart any possible excuse.
Sometimes, I just sat in the room with him , no interaction unless he had a problem and asked a question. I had to be on his case every day. Luckily, he was an honest boy and told the truth regarding what homework he had been set. But I had to spend the time just being there so he knew I meant business. Shouting at him and then leaving him to it would not have worked. I had to invest the time in him. By year 9, things were better but I still checked on him. At parent evenings, I was honest with the teachers about his reluctance and actively encouraged them to tell me if he didn't hand in homework. He heard me say it.

My husband left it to me to handle which helped. He would have lost his temper every day. My son now admits he would not have the career he has today if I hadn't been on his case.

It doesn't help to think he might have this condition or that condition to explain the reluctance to do homework. Regardless of what they have or haven't got, the bottom line is they have to survive in life and when it comes to earning a living, employers aren't going to make an allowance for them. So it's plod on and help him make the best of his abilities. Really hard, I know.

I think you should email his tutor or head of year. Personally I don't think that you should be making him sit that long to do work after he's already been in school working. Also try to find out if he's messing around in lessons?

I teach and wouldn't expect a parent to go to that much hassle each night.

Maybe set him a shorter target & offer a reward if he completes a task.

He could of course have ADHD.

Regardless of what they have or haven't got, the bottom line is they have to survive in life and when it comes to earning a living, employers aren't going to make an allowance for them. So it's plod on and help him make the best of his abilities. Really hard, I know.

Well, that’s not quite true. Employers are required by law to accommodate ADHD (if this is the cause of inability to focus/organise). There is also very good medication options that can immensely help a person with ADHD. So it does matter actually if a person has ADHD as there is help out there, we don’t have to plod on and struggle with no help whatsoever.

My son is very much like this OP (similar age too). The only thing that works is sitting next to him until he has finished everything. Not always practical I know 😃