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Original poster

Reactions of others when out clubbing

26 replies

ponderingnow · 04/12/2022 16:50

I'm in my late 20s, and I would say of average-ish to the plain end of the scale in terms of looks - never bothered me and always had boyfriends etc. I currently have a long term partner who I'm extremely happy with. I've made some new friends recently and been going out with them, and noticed that most of the women (some of them are very attractive) get so much attention when out and I've started to realise that this never happens to me. I'm torn between being relieved (it's not something that I particularly want) but also a little bit hurt / concerned I'm a lot less attractive than I thought I was! I know this is a bit silly but just wondering others thoughts on this.

OP posts:

LittleCrackers · 04/12/2022 16:53

I've been experiencing this since I got divorced OP! It's weirdly disheartening...

BeautifulWar · 04/12/2022 16:57

It can sometimes be an approachable vibe. A couple of my really pretty friends didn't get approached much while another friend (different group entirely) always got a lot of attention. She's pretty but gives off a lovely, friendly vibe. I think people are happy to approach her as they don't think they'll get shot down (even if she's not interested).

ButteryNuts · 04/12/2022 16:57

There's a lot of things that influence how often someone is approached, your single friends might be scanning the room and making eye contact or otherwise showing they're available.

They might seem bubblier or more confident and more approachable.

They might dress or do their makeup in a way that's more attractive or trendy. Someone can make themselves look miles ahead in this way, though might be very normal if in joggers and a bun.

Or they might be more attractive. That can be a hard pill to swallow but looks aren't everything, coming from someone who never gets attention!

Stichintime · 04/12/2022 16:59

If you are in a relationship you are probably giving off unavailable signs!

Original poster

ponderingnow · 04/12/2022 17:03

All very true! Oh, some of them are definitely much more attractive than me, that's not something I'm unaware of 😁but never ever being approached is making me feel a liiiiiitle bit like an ugly duckling!

OP posts:

CarefreeMe · 04/12/2022 17:59

It can sometimes be an approachable vibe.

I completely agree!

Some people are too attractive and can make people afraid to go up to them but sometimes if they’re quieter, don’t seem interested or have a resting bitch face less people will come up to you think you won’t be interested in them.

I have the complete opposite problem!

I am approached all of the time, yet my friends who are very attractive get much less attention.
I always wonder if I’m giving off ‘an easy to get/easy shag’ vibe.

wesayno · 04/12/2022 18:34

I'm the same, OP. Frankly I consider it a blessing.

lmnabc · 04/12/2022 18:52

OP, many years go I was considered beautiful although I didn't feel it and it's impossible to believe now. I was described as a beautiful butterfly who didn't want to b caught. Nothing could've been further from the truth. I simply never got asked out.
I've come to realise that men just found me unapproachable.

AllOfThemWitches · 04/12/2022 18:55

Are you sure that's the reason? I don't go out much anymore but I get far less attention now I'm in a long term relationship. Either I've become uglier or I'm not giving those 'vibes' anymore.

UsingChangeofName · 04/12/2022 19:18

I find it pretty sad that anyone puts so much value on what people look like that they spend and evening out noticing that rather than enjoying their evening out.

Original poster

ponderingnow · 04/12/2022 19:26

UsingChangeofName · 04/12/2022 19:18

I find it pretty sad that anyone puts so much value on what people look like that they spend and evening out noticing that rather than enjoying their evening out.

I’m not spending my evenings worrying about it, it just becomes quite apparent when I’m out particularly if I have to try and extract a friend from a conversation they don’t want to be having!

OP posts:

Original poster

ponderingnow · 04/12/2022 19:28

AllOfThemWitches · 04/12/2022 18:55

Are you sure that's the reason? I don't go out much anymore but I get far less attention now I'm in a long term relationship. Either I've become uglier or I'm not giving those 'vibes' anymore.

I mean, that’s definitely possible as I said in the OP my looks aren’t really something I think about on a day to day basis! It’s just something that I’ve become more aware of recently but I’m generally very happy in my own skin. Maybe I just need to ditch the clubs 😊

OP posts:

NeedingAGoodNap · 04/12/2022 19:34

Is it possible that these more “attractive” people are just a fair bit younger? Where I am, late 20s would be considered a bit past it for clubbing. The crowd would usually be 18-23 and most of the guys would be interested in girls around their own age.

PollyAmour · 04/12/2022 19:41

Do you actually want drunk men leering at you and pawing you when you're out? I'd be delighted not to be noticed, if that's the case.

Seriously though, it's not that you're unattractive, it's just that you're unavailable and it obviously shows.

Original poster

ponderingnow · 04/12/2022 19:45

I absolutely do not want drunk men leering or pawing at me! I am quite happy being left alone, I guess it was the contrast that was bringing these things up. But as they say comparison is the thief of joy and I’m sure they would love to meet someone who’s a good 🥚 like my DP.

OP posts:

SheWoreYellow · 04/12/2022 19:47

It might be that they are making eye contact or smiling at people more than you are. (Ie the approachable thing.)

RedRobyn2021 · 04/12/2022 19:51

This was me in my 20s

Yet I always had good looking boyfriends so I can't be that unattractive

A male friend told me it's because I don't look approachable

Freetodowhatiwant · 04/12/2022 19:52

I think I might have had this when I was your age. Now I am almost double your age and go out clubbing (still acceptable in my social circles!) and I have the opposite. I have so many people coming up to me, a lot of women too, and saying how beautiful they think I am. It’s weird. I can’t ask any of my friends about this IRL as I am aware how it makes me sound. Maybe it’s a ‘for your age’ thing. But I guess what I am trying to say is things might change!

Changechangychange · 04/12/2022 19:53

When I was younger I used to get loads of attention and I was not particularly attractive - as a PP said, I was inadvertently looking approachable (looking round the room and smiling). So men would come up thinking I was giving them signals when I hadn’t even noticed they existed.

You aren’t missing anything, they were almost 100% tossers. But if you want more attention, smile a lot, look around the room, and make eye contact with different men then look away. A percentage of them will take this as an invitation to come over.

DuncanBiscuits · 04/12/2022 19:54

I’ve never been the type to be chatted up, OP. Not in my 20s, 30s or 40s.

But the men who I do click with tend to marry me, so… 😂

Original poster

ponderingnow · 04/12/2022 19:55

DuncanBiscuits · 04/12/2022 19:54

I’ve never been the type to be chatted up, OP. Not in my 20s, 30s or 40s.

But the men who I do click with tend to marry me, so… 😂

This made me laugh!

OP posts:

Lovetotravel123 · 04/12/2022 19:56

This was me, until I moved to another country. It turned out that my confidence was better when abroad and so more guys seemed interested. So the vibes thing might be true. Also, it might be that the other girls are wearing more revealing clothes and that always gets attention 😆

Original poster

ponderingnow · 04/12/2022 19:58

Well you’ve all really cheered me up, thank you!

OP posts:

33goingon64 · 04/12/2022 20:07

I've always been the least attractive of my friends. I spent a lot of my 20s worrying about it. I'm now mid 40s and honestly couldn't care less. In fact I think some (not all) of the very good looking people I know have a less developed personality as they have been evaluated positively all their lives based mainly on their looks. Remember how you look is the least interesting thing about you. Be the one everyone likes because you're funny/interesting/curious. Much more rewarding in the long term.

CurrentHun · 04/12/2022 20:39

^exactly what she said. Good advice!

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