Is my child regressing? Heartbroken

[Genners]

My (just turned) 5 yo DD used to be a bubbly child, very social, very excited about everything, confident and bright.

She started school in Sept and she was very excited to go every single day. Then slowly became more anxious and 3 months later her teacher is saying she is very quiet and very reluctant to put her hand up. She is learning and progressing so I don't think I have major concerns about that.

However, she does drama on Fridays after school. She's been doing that since she was 4. This term they worked towards a play which we watched yesterday. I had some concerns about her not really engaging, but hoped she'll at least do a bit of singing. Throughout the whole play, which lasted about 20 mins, she was 'away with the fairies', swinging from one leg to the other, stimming, flapping her hands and being completely disengaged from everything. I don't think she actually understood what was going on! I was hearthbroken watching her.

I should mention she has flapped her hands before (usually with excitement) and she does go into her own little world sometimes, but this was so completely shocking as no one there ever mentioned this to me and we are not allowed to watch until end of term. Seeing all the kids having a go (some one them are only 4) and her being completely off really worried me.

The other day I was passing by the school just after lunch and I saw her away from all the other kids, into her own little world running back and forth, mumbling something to herself. I talked to her through the gates just briefly and asked what was she doing, she couldn't answer, obviously she was surprised to see me.

I'm just worried sick. Anyone can relate to that? Is this a regression? Can ASD signs present later?

She hit all the milestones on time, she was an early talker, always social, always bubbly, always engaged.

I just don't know what to do and how to help her. I've decided to have a break from drama from next term, which is a shame as I got the impression she enjoyed it.

Earlier this school year my 7yo teacher noticed ASD traits that I had been pondering for a couple of years. It's been heartbreaking for me at times too. Yes, it's not a death sentence but it hurts because other kids can be nasty and you don't want you child to struggle or be hurt. My child is often excluded. She often plays alone and some of the other girls have started running away from her at playtime

I’m talking to you as a teacher - and a parent of similar aged DC.

School is knackering. By Friday afternoon, I only ever put art/DT on my timetable so that we could relax our way into the weekend. The thought of then doing another hour of learning makes me feel tired! She might have found the class too much at that time and then wasn’t prepared for the performance and checked out. When you see all the nose picking and yawning that goes on in the nativity/assemblies, you’ll see this happens fairly often! Is there another time

As for being away with the fairies at break time - I can imagine that with one child living in your home, it’s fairly chilled and quiet. School is then an assault on the senses and sometimes they just need a bit of time alone to organise their thoughts a bit.

You need to have a chat with the teacher - be fairly strong about this - if you don’t get a response, go to the school office and ask for someone to speak to. Teachers are busy people but part of the job is communicating with parents. There are usually some good solutions in dealing with anxiety.

She does have a cousin about 1 year older who got diagnosed recently. But he had lots of signs since he was a baby. He started walking very late, speech delayed, struggles to make friends and started school still in his nappy as it was impossible to potty train him.

Sorry to hear about your DD x

Can I ask you what traits did she show?

@PaperLanterns Thank you very much for your advice. I do agree that drama on a Friday night is a bit too much, hence I'll give it a break and try to enroll her again in a few months time on a Sat.

I don't think there is anything wrong with being heartbroken at the realisation your child may struggle their way through life tbh. No, autism isn't a death sentence but it is a disability which makes people lives much harder. Getting offended at OP who is clearly concerned for her child isn't at all helpful here.

You seem quite sure it is ASD/autism - is there a reason for this? She sounds tired and is adjusting to school. Have a relaxing Christmas and talk positively rather than negatively about school and see if that makes a difference.

My dd was all those things until school...she was dx with ASD, generalized anxiety and sensory processing disorder.

This was withing 2 yrs of starting school, with no concerns before hand.

The bit about the teacher resonates, that's exactly how it all started for us... an uncaring teacher who didn't have time for dd's anxiety about being away from me. Dd was scared of her, and her personality just dwindled.

Please keep an eye on this, a teacher can literally break a child.

Are you sure she's not coming down with anything?
I can remember watching my eldest in a pre school show where at the end they all danced to the very lively song from Trolls. I say all but my child sat playing with a piece of straw and staring into space.

A couple of days later he came down with chicken pox.

I also have a daughter in her first term. Her report described her as 'a quiet girl '... she's definitely not!
But your child has been happy and confident with your constant presence and you sound like a very engaged mum. It's bound to be a big change finding her feet.

I think cut back on the extras for a little while so she gets down time, encourage a play date out of school with another child in her class to help along a friendship and keep a watching brief.

Are there any small things that help her feel reassured? Pre school said my daughter benefitted from taking a small toy dog in (she sneaked it in her pocket initially!) as it helped her play with other children. Before she'd been hiding under tables a lot. They are currently all bringing something into the primary school playground to show each other in the morning. It goes into the bag once they start but has worked well in helping them to engage.

Try not to panic. She'll pick up on your anxiety too. Don't make these things into big deals or mention them too much to her.

Are you sure she's not coming down with anything?
I can remember watching my eldest in a pre school show where at the end they all danced to the very lively song from Trolls. I say all but my child sat playing with a piece of straw and staring into space.

A couple of days later he came down with chicken pox.

I also have a daughter in her first term. Her report described her as 'a quiet girl '... she's definitely not!
But your child has been happy and confident with your constant presence and you sound like a very engaged mum. It's bound to be a big change finding her feet.

I think cut back on the extras for a little while so she gets down time, encourage a play date out of school with another child in her class to help along a friendship and keep a watching brief.

Try not to panic.

You could be describing my little brother. He mostly played alone, in his own world and had a full world of people, places and action going on. It’s made him a great writer now he’s older. He struggled to socialise until sixth form when he found his ‘people’. Others that thought like him and acted like him. He has no official diagnosis but imo he would get one if he perused it.
He is now a well adjusted young man in his mid 30s with a close social circle, is confident and who works in a library though he still has constant stories and ideas playing in his head!

My son is 9YO and was diagnosed with autism earlier this year.

It was not on our radar at all until he went to school. He talked early, taught himself to read very early and was previously very sociable. As time went on, he became more and more anxious at school. When he was in year 2, he had the same teacher had had in reception. She raised concerns that his behaviour was still very similar to what it had been when he was younger while his peers had grown out of it. School made the referral. Covid happened and there is a long wait for referrals anyway.

When he was assessed, we were asked about how he was before school and there were a lot of things we noticed looking back that we didn't register before. The flapping. He's always stimmed in different ways which we knew. There's always been meltdowns to varying extents.

The thing is, when they are at home with just you it's easy to accommodate their behaviour. It's quieter and less stressful for them. Less noise, less over stimulation etc. As life goes on, things get increasingly anxiety inducing and the autistic behaviours become more apparent. I've noticed DS anxiety increase exponentially in the time that he's been at school and I'm honestly dreading high school.

What also became very apparent in the diagnostic process is that there has probably been undiagnosed autism in my family for at least 3 generations. So what was 'normal' child behaviour to me and my DP was probably not 'normal' for someone else.

It's hard. It is an emotional rollercoaster going through thr assessments. And life continues to be an emotional roller coaster with him. But since the diagnosis, he has been able to learn about autism and himself more as have we as parents. He is able to articulate what he needs better, as are we. Also being able to say he is autistic also helps others understand him better. People say the whole 'You shouldn't need a label'. But people also 'get' the word autism quicker and easier than 'A noisy room with 30 kids talking at the same time while I'm trying to do maths makes me want to crawl into a cave and never come out'.

Sorry I have no idea about ASD. Are you sure she's just not very shy? My DS was extremely shy at that age and diagnosed with selective mutism. He was always alone at playtime. He's now 9 and has slowly developed socially over the years. He has lots of friends now.

Food for thought...

when I started regressing, it was because I lost confidence because I was scared and unconfident because of a strict teacher.

I regressed again because I was being bullied by my classmates.

My 3 year old daughter is regressing because she was being molested by her father.

NB: We've now left him and she's in play therapy.

I don't know if this is helpful OP. My daughter was very quiet in school in reception but very bright. She struggled to get into "groups" sometimes and felt overwhelmed if with more than one or two kids at a time

She went to a pantomime in year 1 but found it too much and had to sit in the foyer with a teacher and watch it on a screen.This was an overload in the sensory way but we didn't think that at the time.

Her teacher said she was quiet and could sometimes be very monotone when reading, but as she was meeting all her milestones and exceeding in some the school had no concerns.

My dd was diagnosed with autism at the end of year6. Girls are better at masking ASD than boys that's why many girls are not diagnosed until teens or even later than life. My dd had some meltdowns during COVID over schoolwork which made me think something else was going on. She had some repetitive behaviours which you wouldn't necessarily put down to asd either.

I'm not saying your dd has asd, but it is worth asking her teacher to monitor her interaction with other children too

I'm so glad my dd had the diagnosis before secondary school. She is doing well and knowing she has asd has been very important for her mental health going forwards as she knows the areas in which she may need support.

My DD (8) is similar. We are on the pathway for an assessment for ASD. I see a lot of kids with suspected ASD and it’s hard to distinguish sometimes. I have no doubts about my DD, however. We’ve spoken about it, I’ve shown her videos (there’s some great explainers for kids on YouTube) and she really identifies with it. If DD doesn’t get the diagnosis then that’s also fine - I feel I know a lot about ASD now and DD has an understanding of a concept that we are all different and have different needs.

It can come as a shock to see how your DC behave away from you and it’s a sad thought that they aren’t always in the thick of it having fun with their peers. I reassure myself that DD is happy at home and that we will do all we can for her to keep her time away from school as happy and ‘safe’ as possible.

My dd was my first and only child.

Looking back there were signs of autism but I had no idea at the time. For example she put her hands over her ears at loud noises. She wanted the same video repeatedly. But that's not unusual for a toddler!

As another poster said I acommodated her behaviour as it presented and she wasn't really challenged by anything stressful at home.

When she started reception she had extreme separation anxiety.

She started having meltdowns about things like lining up, waiting, taking turns. She even kicked a teacher once because she wanted to be first!

She sat on her own at playtime or spun round and round, although was reportedly happy.

The school had concerns but were very reluctant to say the word autism. I figured it out for myself eventually.

This was almost 20 years ago and I really had no knowledge of autism.

I would express my concerns to the teacher, is there a school SENCO? Some monitoring over the next few terms will be a helpful start.

Not the teacher part, but my DD was the same. Nothing before school, she was great in preschool, early talker, hit all her milestones, gets great grades. FYOS she had a lot of issues with Anxiety, she masks really well and it took us longer to get there, recently diagnosed with ASD. I really don't think she'd have gotten a diagnosis before her teens if she hadn't had Autistic siblings. Getting a diagnosis was really important for DD, it's helped with her mental health to know why she feels different to her friends.

What you've written OP is a lot like my daughter, your DD could be Autistic, or she could be anxious, or she could just be exhausted and struggling to adjust to starting school. Get more down time on weekends, maybe do bedtime a bit earlier for a while, talk to her teacher, keep an eye on things, write down things like stiming that might be relevant.

Thank you all the helpful advice.

She is not a shy child. She makes friends all the time, she plays with other kids in playgrounds and not shy to talk to the adults too. She has made a few new friends at school and parents have asked for playdates.

When we go to playgrounds and there is no one around shebgets bored, she always wants a friend.

I do believe this teacher is a bit too uncaring as when she started school she was talking to all the teachers and TAs including the ones from the other Reception classes, in fact she does have a good relationship with the others but not her teacher.

I am really confused.

The stimming is nothing new but it did go up a notch lately.

No advice on the stimming but it’s interesting that you say that the drama is on Fridays- we had to stop Friday PM clubs as DD was too tired and couldn’t handle it, and that’s with her school doing a 2.30pm finish on Fridays. She was doing a dance club but we’ve swapped to an alternative session on Saturday mornings and it’s been so much better!

If she’s her normal self outside of school and was initially her usual bubbly self until the first few weeks of school kicked in, i’d be more concerned that the teacher is too strict and is scaring her, and she’s having trouble adjusting to the demands of school life - it’s a lot for them to take in.

Have you talked to her about school and what she enjoys about it? Might be interesting to hear her answers. I’d start with asking what she enjoyed and then maybe what she doesn’t like as much, this might give you more clues.

Was she school ready? Is she overwhelmed by the school dynamic? Is doing after school clubs now overwhelming as she’s very tired from school? Some kids just aren’t ready for the change to school but that doesn’t mean they won’t get there in their own time and doesn’t mean that anything is wrong.

I think autism is a 'disability' manifested by society. I consider neurodiversity to be a normal part of being human and within a normal range of different human traits. It's the bloody system that causes problems for neurodiverse people, and then labels them as having a disorder. It's insulting. I think that understanding is changing and the term 'ASD' will go. Unfortunately we had to pursue a 'diagnosis' to help my son get support purely because the bloody system won't help otherwise, well not as much anyway. One of the biggest things I have learnt as a parent is to accept your children for how they are, and not want them to be different.

I think autism is a 'disability' manifested by society. I consider neurodiversity to be a normal part of being human and within a normal range of different human traits. It's the bloody system that causes problems for neurodiverse people, and then labels them as having a disorder. It's insulting.

Fortunately it's not really relevant what you 'think'

Parents of autistic children are overrepresented on mumsnet. This might skew the responses you get OP. Let your daughter have a rest and drop the after school club first. See how she is.