My teenagers are quite nice

[TinfoilTwat]

You don't often hear the positives of living with teenagers. I have to say, mine are pretty decent people.
They work hard, get good grades, volunteer their time to coach their sports in the local primary school. They're funny. They are brave and passionate about life. I genuinely enjoy their company and feel very lucky to live with them.

We are having a very scaled back Christmas this year because we're spending all available money on me doing a course next year. No complaints from them; "Mum, we'll just eat gruel for a year. Do the course. We're proud of you!"

(Disclaimer: Yes, they also play about 64 hours of videogames a day and have a functional blindness that does not allow them to see used cups and plates, and they leave sweet-wrappers in the living room, and have extraordinarily bad haircuts, and steal my shoes, and stay up until 3am if I don't stop them...)

Tell me about your lovely teenagers.

I agree. And it works both ways. Hand on heart, I have never yet sworn at our DDs, or criticised them in a nasty way, or spoken to them out of spite. And they have never done it to me either.

I remember hearing a line that we recall negative words to us more than positive, for some reason the idea that ten positive things should be said before criticism stuck with me.

So I pretty much give a running narrative of what they are doing well and maybe one you need to get up on time (our only issue really for oldest).

It seems to work and I sometimes think a running negative commentary is used and is damaging.

I may have been very lucky too it is true but it made sense to me.

Hmmm I don’t think a zero tolerance approach always gives results - it works until it doesn’t. There is so much at play but kindness and responsibility are at the core.

@Middledazedted i completely agree with you that kindness and responsibility are the core, but I think zero tolerance to rudeness falls into that sphere. I never let them get away with dismissing me or DH as human beings simply because we are parents. They don't get to say, "Get out of my life but first drive me to Herne Hill," because that is not how kind and respectful people operate. Zero toelerance doesn't mean authoritarian. I always speak kindly and calmly to my DC if they really upset me, just getting them to stop and think. Are you treating others as you'd like to be treated and they deserve to be treated?

Those of us with delightful teens shouldn't be too self-congratulatory. My DD is 18 now and has always been a gem but I know lots of parents who have been excellent parents but have had a lot of problems with their DC.

It's lovely to talk about lovely teens but we can't take too much credit.

My DD is quite nice. Still a normal teen, we have eye rolling, door slamming and the odd shoutiness and cheek. But overall I think that is teens.

They have ASD and ADHD and still manage to organise their schoolwork (lots of independent learning as online schooled), and submit the work on time and get good grades. All their teachers are positive about their work and contribution.

They are incredibly loyal to their friends. Less sociable than I was as a teen, but enough for them to maintain friendships despite leaving the local school.

They have a horse - I know this can be contentious on MN - but they are there every day, don't moan at doing yard jobs, get back on when they fall off without fuss. They can hold their own talking to horsey folk aged 5-50. Never moaned at no lie ins ever, no holidays, no flash clothes. They understand that the financial and time committment that the horse has on our family and thank me every day for doing what I do.

At their age (14) I was out drinking, smoking, getting up to no good, lying about my whereabouts... Compared to that I can cope with a bit of cheek from a generally good kid.

(That is not to say their life is without problems - they have meltdowns, are depressed, and under a psychiatrist and therapist ... life is not all rosy, but that doesn't mean that they are not a nice, funny, kind and interesting teen).

@NewToWoo completely agree. It's not acceptable for anyone to slam doors or swear at someone, whatever their age, by putting down as "teen behaviour" it is condoning it. It's not condoned in this house. That's not to say it doesn't happen, but when it does it's dealt with and not glossed over.

Mine are lovely. Not perfect but lovely. They make a mess in the kitchen and eat things that are for everyone or part of meal planning but apart from that they are ok 😂

I had a terrible upbringing and suffered severe abuse and it has really shaped me as a parent in some ways it’s made me a better parent than I would have been otherwise as I know how important the little things are even just having a lock on the toilet door etc and allowing privacy and affording them the right to make their own decisions (and then mistakes !) so that they can learn from them but have me to support them through any mistakes. I do find myself looking at them and feeling such sadness and wonder why my DM did what she did to me but then I remind myself how lucky I am now

My DS is 16 he’s a fantastic only child. Do I still spoil him for Xmas as I did when he was little or should we tone down this year?

Our DC were delightful teenagers. We never had any problems with them (they said I had been wild). We also had lovely holidays with them, just the four of us. They are now wonderful adults.

My DS is our only one he is 16 and so chilled he always asks how our days have been, he genuinely misses us when he is at school just because. He doesn’t stress, he is well balanced and i sometimes have to pinch myself, then comes the dreaded phone attached to his face, ear pods glued in his ears cups left lying around next to his pc (all teenage essentials ha ha) and constantly repeating myself but you know I wouldn’t change a thing. He doesn’t vape or smoke and I would know been there done that and got the T shirt. Not all teenagers are bad