My teenagers are quite nice

[TinfoilTwat]

You don't often hear the positives of living with teenagers. I have to say, mine are pretty decent people.
They work hard, get good grades, volunteer their time to coach their sports in the local primary school. They're funny. They are brave and passionate about life. I genuinely enjoy their company and feel very lucky to live with them.

We are having a very scaled back Christmas this year because we're spending all available money on me doing a course next year. No complaints from them; "Mum, we'll just eat gruel for a year. Do the course. We're proud of you!"

(Disclaimer: Yes, they also play about 64 hours of videogames a day and have a functional blindness that does not allow them to see used cups and plates, and they leave sweet-wrappers in the living room, and have extraordinarily bad haircuts, and steal my shoes, and stay up until 3am if I don't stop them...)

Tell me about your lovely teenagers.

Mine are lovely and so are their friends. One has mental health issues and some chronic physical health challenges, but is kind, funny and so sweet and interesting. Another is hard working, feisty and fearless and is excelling across the board. The other is still small (relatively) but desperate to be like the big kids. They love each other and drive me mad but they are very special people who I could not be without.

At least two posters have mentioned their teens went to grammar schools - what's that got to do with this thread? Just curious

Oh this thread is spoiling all the fun of the "just you wait" crowd!

I absolutely loved this thread! Thank you for sharing

My dds are lovely too. (15 and 18) I found the toddler years the hardest bit. A lot of their friends are lovely too and always have been. I find it annoying and sexist when people make out ALL girls are bitchy drama queens. No they're not.

They go to a comp if that's relevant

Well the older one's at uni

Good idea for a thread. Mine are just out of their teens but they were nice teens too. Never shouted, 'I hate you,' or slammed doors or even rowed with each other! Appreciative if picked up at silly hours of the night from parties in remote farm houses. DS1 sometimes cooked for us - really good food. DS2 sometimes spontaneously cleaned the house - hoovering stairs or tidying my study as a surprise. They definitely had their moments but overall they were and still are lovely people

We have had tough times with ours, moodiness, rudeness and outbursts but they are both incredibly hard working and we are very proud of them. Both went to the local bog standard very average schools and are now at top universities. They have never been any real trouble and always worked hard.

DS1 has some disgusting habits and when he left for university in October, I had to completely muck out his room including replace the mattress and duvet which were ready to walk out on their own. Judging by how clean his university room was this term, he’s either met someone, grown up a bit or both🤣

This might have been my fault @KateBain as I asked what type of schools they go to, just wanted to see what the demographic was to see if they were ‘average Joe’ types or more privileged. It doesn’t seem to matter though as I think it’s largely the strong connections that these parents have with their children that helps but of course other factors like genetics, environment etc.

rookie, by the time they get to be teenagers I don't think much of it is down to parenting. It's just personalities, really, and choices. Maybe parenting styles steer or set some guard rails but not much - those of us with lovely or uncomplicated teens just lucked out, I think.

Nothing. Some posters just like to shoehorn it wherever possible.

What kind of consequences did you put in place @CJsGoldfish?

Depended on what they'd done and their ages but I started very early. If they continued to misbehave when we were out when they were little we left. If they pushed the boundaries too far when older, they'd be grounded. Only one really pushed the boundaries though. If he lied to me, and he sometimes did, he lost my trust and that came with its own loss of freedom.
Oh, and if they needed to apologise, they knew it wasn't optional.
It's more that I didn't falsely warn them. I followed through. If I warned them that their behaviour continued they'd miss out on something, they knew I meant it.
Worked for us, they adore me and I them ❤️

Mine are 16, 15 and nearly 13. Haven't had shouting or door slamming here either (yet) though I'm not sure how we've managed that! They get on well, despite older two sharing a room.
I absolutely love having teens, definitely my favourite stage. Proper people I can have conversations and jokes with. They teach me stuff every day. They still all want a hug before bed and tend to congregate in my room at 10pm for
random chats and Wordle (yes I know this is bedtime avoidance, but I love it).

My only girl is the youngest and I'm worried she will go through a difficult phase and decide she hates me. We're moving in a few years, so if it's going to happen I expect that will be the trigger. I'm hoping that good preparation and bribery will get us through.

My dds were nice, too.

I’ve often been very annoyed by people/posts saying or implying that teen dds are bound to be a rude, stroppy, horrible nightmare - as if it’s only to be expected.
It isn’t.

I love teenagers. Hilarious, know everything, passionate, wilful little world changers that they are. I taught them for many years and never had a boring day at work.

Now I have my very own teenager and a pre-teen. It’s the best stage of parenting by far for me. Mine are so funny, opinionated, kind and chock full of wonderful ideas and plans. They also have their anxieties and fears that they’re brave enough to share with me. They’re also messy, permanently starving and their rooms are black holes for socks, towels, bowls and spoons 😁

3 teens - well a 20 yr old, 18 and 16. Youngest is a girl. Had lots of issues with eldest - MH, weed, not going to school ... BUT I think he is coming out the other side now. Middle one is a joy- thoughtful, hard working, sensible. Youngest is currently a trial big time and I am exhausted by it all. Teenagers in my experience are hard to navigate at times. They can of course be lovely, but they can also be utterly horrible and selfish. Glad everyone else's teens are angelic

As a PP mentioned, I too encouraged independence and insisted on good manners. I made sure they were self aware and were not entitled. We are a low income family in a deprived area but we’re lucky enough to have a car so we could get out and about a bit. They were aware of our financial limitations so days out were a real treat rather than expected.
I was PT for their first 10 years and made sure I was as available as possible. I talked to them all the times, ask their opinions and explore their ideas. Simple and free.

Thankfully, both DH and I were in complete accord on how to raise our DDs and what standards of behaviour were to be expected from them. It made life so much easier because we always presented a united front as parent.

Also, both DH and I have the same no nonsense, pragmatic approach to life in general. We say what we mean and we mean what we say - so everyone knows where they stand. Firm boundaries and clear expectations and this worked both ways.

We also both take a very dim view of any entitled, snowflakey behaviour - and we simply didn't tolerate any of the strops, nastiness and tantrums that many of our friends/family put up with from their DCs. Any bad behaviour resulted in very swift sanctions so they learned very quickly.

Both our DDs went to a very traditional, all girls' grammar school, so there were high expectations of behaviour there, too.

The most valuable bit of parenting advice I had when my kids were small was to take their worries seriously however trivial they seem, so they will always come to you with a problem. So, for example, if a toddler says “I’m frightened that a monster will come out from under my bed and eat me” dont tell them they’re being silly and brush it off - instead take the time to ask them more and help them come up with a coping mechanism. Same if they want to tell you all about a picture they drew at nursery - make time to listen.

Because if they feel like they are listened to and valued when tiny, they’re more likely to trust that you’ll listen when they’re growing up and the issues get trickier.

so far so good with us - I guess they might not tell us EVERYTHING but our teens seem comfortable about being open and sharing their lives with us now and I believe that’s a lot of what makes the relationship positive.

This is such a wonderful thread. I've welled up several times whilst reading it!

I adore teenagers, it's by far my very favourite stage of parenting.
I love their enthusiasm and excitement for life, their social conscience, their busyness, their developing interest in the world, and their cock-sure ideas on how the world should work.

My eldest is now a young adult and living independently away from home. I've still got DS(15) and DD(13) at home.
I love their company and, it seems, they like mine too. DS in particular often comes through to find me in the evening, and we'll chat about current affairs - which he's developing a real interest in.
He's very funny, hard-working at school, popular with peers and adults, and is incredibly thoughtful. I came in from work one night last week and there was a gin & tonic waiting for me on the kitchen table 🤩 complete with ice and a slice of lime.
I love that lad!

My DD, I suspect, will be rather more troublesome than her older brothers. There seems to be a fair amount of friendship dramas going on in Y9, and DD gets herself caught up in stuff emotionally.
That said, she talks to me about things and I value that massively.
I could never go to my mum with anything, so I was very secretive as a teen. Looking back, I got myself into all sorts of shady and risky situations - with nobody to confide in or help me navigate.

I've had a system in place for all my 3 DCs (which I learned from MN years ago) and that's a "no questions asked" policy. So no matter what time of day or night, they can call me for help and I'll go and get them (and their friends if necessary). Depending on the circumstances, we can talk things over the next day - but I've always wanted them to know they can trust me, and that their home is a safe place to be.
None of them have needed it yet, but it makes us all feel better knowing it's there.

we simply didn't tolerate any of the strops, nastiness and tantrums that many of our friends/family put up with from their DCs. Any bad behaviour resulted in very swift sanctions so they learned very quickly.

@peaceandove Same here. Even tiny amounts of rudeness towards us were questioned. They quickly learned to speak to us, and each other, with kindness and respect.

Hmmm I don’t think a zero tolerance approach always gives results - it works until it doesn’t. There is so much at play but kindness and responsibility are at the core. Someone asked have they always been easy - erm one of mine really wasn’t. Naturally aggressive and difficult and a huge boundary pusher who went under CAHMS a few times and did dangerous and scary things. By 16 everything was ok and we never stopped communicating or loving. He found life hard in a way his siblings didn’t. Now glorious he makes alarmed eyebrows at the idea that his siblings could do the same. We both know they won’t because they aren’t as complex and dark as he can be. You can love all equally and be a good responsive and boundaried parent and still get surprises. Throw in some nt and you can have quite the ride.

My parents were excellent and happily still don’t know much of what I got up to but I was a friendly and personable disaster. I can’t explain what drove my voracious sexual appetite or my love of drink and drugs but it was me and I see some of the same impulses in my more difficult son. He is self aware enough to say he is glad he has a good family because he thinks he could have been dangerous. I agree.

I have worked with lots of teens - what a wonderful experience so often I see the opposite where there are incredible children with disappointing parents lost to bad relationships, drink or poverty. I would say I am a solid middle in class terms but I work with children often much lower and they are beautiful. Some get lost on the way and it never ceases to leave me saddened and to hope they make it back to a life wheee they can thrive. Love is what makes confidence and that is what I see in my children and in those I work with.

Mine have their moments, but I can honestly say that I genuinely enjoy spending time with them (and they say they like spending time with me). We have the best conversations, they are awesome to go shopping/have coffee with, and I love choosing a movie and watching it with them. They study hard, play me songs on their guitars, and game lots. Teens generally get a really bad rap, but mine are pretty good, mostly!

Just the thread I needed today thank you. If these are the peers of my DC - happy, kind and loving- that sounds like a friendship circle I would love them to have in future.