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Original poster

Awkward friendship situation - please advise

58 replies

pandaplies · 02/12/2022 22:30

Through my ex work, a small group of friends formed about four years ago. Over the years people have come and gone but the core group stayed the same about 6 of us.

We all had one thing in common which was that we had a dark sense of humour, do not get easily offended, and it is a safe space where anything goes. The group is very diverse on gender, race, sexuality etc. Some of the jokes would be deemed very offensive but just not to our group.

The problem has started that one of the core group members let's call Tom has gotten a girlfriend Ray. She seems lovely but when she joined us for a walk and dinner and conversation started it was clear she did not find our sense of humour funny. She was visibly uncomfortable. Nothing outrageous was said (I know how outrageous it can get) and all the humour was quickly nipped in the bud. We all hung out for four hours but it was largely awkward and quite serious. I had a one on one chat with her about her family, which was fine, but it felt like a workplace setting chat and was very different to usual. I put it down to her feeling overwhelmed at meeting her partners friends.

We all met up for a quick drink after work Tom and Ray included and and it was the same vibe, serious conversation about the Ukraine war. Half the group left soon after because they just aren't interested in talking about that in a social setting.

My friend Clara called me and told me what I was already thinking.

We don't want to be the people who don't include everyone. We would hate for anyone to feel unwelcome. Ray is a lovely person. On the other hand, this new dynamic doesn't work for us. The gatherings when she is there are no longer fun social gatherings, they're work place outings. If we were to be ourselves we risk offending Ray and effecting professional relationships (some people there work with Ray). Clara is Ray's direct supervisor.

Another person in the group Jax has a birthday coming up. They called me to help arrange something fun. The brought up that the dynamic changed when Ray was there and that maybe he should just invite Tom.

I'm not sure how to respond. I also don't find it fun when Ray is there but I don't want to upset anyone.

OP posts:
Rainallnight · 02/12/2022 22:33

If you’re all such super fun with such an amazing sense of humour, I don’t see how this one person is having such an effect on the group.

Original poster
pandaplies · 02/12/2022 22:34

because its a dark sense of humour

OP posts:
RosettaStormer · 02/12/2022 22:34

Strange that jokes which would be very offensive to most people, are for some reason funny to this ‘core’ group. You all sound a bit unpleasant and up yourselves. You will probably find she makes excuses not to be there in future anyway. You don’t sound like fun companions to me.

Cwcwbird · 02/12/2022 22:34

I think don't invite Ray. She'll probably be relieved!

NotABeliever · 02/12/2022 22:34

Are other partners ok? Are they usually invited?
If not, you could keep it simple and say no partners allowed.

UrsulaPandress · 02/12/2022 22:34

Just don’t invite plus ones.

Original poster
pandaplies · 02/12/2022 22:36

the partners of three people have naturally integrated into the group now. Clara got a new partner two years ago and he comes along to all interactions and is lovely

OP posts:
NotABeliever · 02/12/2022 22:43

In that case, I think you have to bite the bullet and hope she stops coming to your meetings. You can't exclude her directly without causing a fallout. I would also try to be your usual selves and carry on like you were before in the hope she'll stop joining you if she doesn't like the way the group is.

Beachhutnut · 02/12/2022 22:43

I would invite her and just be yourselves. She can always choose not to come to any future events.

DPotter · 02/12/2022 22:44

I totally get you. It's not about being unpleasant or up one's self. I trained as a nurse and conversations between nurses (or other HCPs) can get pretty dark pretty fast. It's a coping mechanism and not for the faint-hearted non- HCP.

Could you pitch it to Tom that it's awkward for Clara having a junior member of staff in a social setting and that you felt Ray felt uncomfortable with the dark humour, so maybe Tom should come alone to the next gathering. Someone need to step up and chat this through with Tom, before the group collapses

Summerfun54321 · 02/12/2022 23:02

pandaplies · 02/12/2022 22:34

because its a dark sense of humour

Genuinely intrigued, what do you mean by “dark”?

Original poster
pandaplies · 02/12/2022 23:05

I think I'm going to have to be the one to have a conversation with Tom. Clara doesn't want to be mentioned because the message could easily be misunderstood and upset Ray and their professional relationship. I wish I could stay out of it but this friend group is the only one I have and I don't want it to die.

Tom has actually messaged after both times to say him and Ray had a lovely time. She was very into the conversation about the war.

OP posts:
Findyourneutralspace · 02/12/2022 23:10

Is the dark sense of humour work related? Like the PP HCP or other jobs where you are exposed to grim stuff? Gallows humour isn’t for everyone. Or are you just generally dark and she doesn’t fit in?
Either way, if she feels awkward in your company it’s unlikely she’ll be desperate to hang out with you as a group.

SarahAndQuack · 02/12/2022 23:14

I'm sorry, but ... are you all 9 years old?

If not, then surely, you know how to deal with this, right? You either exclude this new person because you feel they wont fit in, and accept you feel a bit mean, or you include them by accepting that your scintillating wit isn't actually Oscar-worthy drama, and you could just knock it on the head for a bit.

There's really no other answer.

beastlyslumber · 02/12/2022 23:14

That's tricky. Surely Tom has noticed that everyone is holding back the banter though? If not, I don't really think you can say anything without alienating Tom. It's possible she'll relax more over time and you can gradually be more yourselves around her.

I would maybe leave her off the invite for the next thing on some pretext or other. Or maybe have an official event with Tom and Ray and then another event without either of them. I wonder how much Tom is into the group banter if he's really enjoying the more serious evenings, anyway.

Bunce1 · 02/12/2022 23:15

Can you give us an example of the dark humour?

you sound cliquey and it sounds like she’s juts keeping it neutral with broader mainstream topics.

can’t you juts be yourselves and see what happens with ray?

MysteryBelle · 02/12/2022 23:15

You’d have to give us an example of the dark humor that made Ray uncomfortable and unfortunately you’ll have to be kind of specific. Otherwise there’s no way any of us can really give an opinion.

beastlyslumber · 02/12/2022 23:18

OP doesn’t need to give a specific example! It's just their style of banter.

Some posters are just hoping they'll get to "call you out" with some virtue signalling bullshit, OP.

winterywonder · 02/12/2022 23:19

I'm also this way with my humour and have a select few friends who relate ha!! I would just all carry on being who you are. She's joined your group - if it's not for her and she doesn't get your humour, then she doesn't have to hang out with you all. It's not upto you all to adapt to her.

Original poster
pandaplies · 02/12/2022 23:20

One of the examples, changed the specifics. The topic was talking about how in the news there was an article of a teacher who would risk losing their job if they didn't accommodate a child who identified as a cat. The conversation was talking about all the different things people could identify as and the demands they could make. It was an enthusiastically delivered conversation with everyone getting involved. This may seem a very offensive topic of conversation to someone who is non binary or transgender for example.

Another topic was the worst tattoos we had ever heard of. This conversation got explicit and vulgar where no-one held back.

OP posts:
Bunce1 · 02/12/2022 23:23

beastlyslumber · 02/12/2022 23:18

OP doesn’t need to give a specific example! It's just their style of banter.

Some posters are just hoping they'll get to "call you out" with some virtue signalling bullshit, OP.

Give over.

sounds like you’re part of clique and she isn’t part of it. It takes time.

Summerfun54321 · 02/12/2022 23:24

Ok just normal adult humour then 😄. Keep inviting them and let them get offended and they’ll gradually decline the invites. Why should one person change the group dynamics?

Original poster
pandaplies · 02/12/2022 23:27

the problem we have is that this person may report our conversations. If giving the examples of above they could claim we were joking about the very sensitive topic of gender identity. Which we were. And that we were anti trans.

The different things people were 'identifying as' were not PC either. Not PC at all. Some would defiantly get you cancelled unless you had the badge of being a stand up comedian.

OP posts:
beastlyslumber · 02/12/2022 23:33

So she's a woke stasi then? But surely if she's dating your friend she must like his sense of humour?

I think just invite them to some things and not others. They might just fade away from the group over time.

Original poster
pandaplies · 02/12/2022 23:35

yes she is very woke but also reserved. So I can see her getting terribly offended and feeling uncomfortable.

Tom is a lovely guy and one of the quieter members of the group, he will get involved and often belly laugh at the jokes but rarely will say anything offensive himself. He is head over heels with Ray. I know he has been single for a long time and desperate for a relationship and he has gone in at 1000 miles an hour.

OP posts: