Awkward friendship situation - please advise

[pandaplies]

Through my ex work, a small group of friends formed about four years ago. Over the years people have come and gone but the core group stayed the same about 6 of us.

We all had one thing in common which was that we had a dark sense of humour, do not get easily offended, and it is a safe space where anything goes. The group is very diverse on gender, race, sexuality etc. Some of the jokes would be deemed very offensive but just not to our group.

The problem has started that one of the core group members let's call Tom has gotten a girlfriend Ray. She seems lovely but when she joined us for a walk and dinner and conversation started it was clear she did not find our sense of humour funny. She was visibly uncomfortable. Nothing outrageous was said (I know how outrageous it can get) and all the humour was quickly nipped in the bud. We all hung out for four hours but it was largely awkward and quite serious. I had a one on one chat with her about her family, which was fine, but it felt like a workplace setting chat and was very different to usual. I put it down to her feeling overwhelmed at meeting her partners friends.

We all met up for a quick drink after work Tom and Ray included and and it was the same vibe, serious conversation about the Ukraine war. Half the group left soon after because they just aren't interested in talking about that in a social setting.

My friend Clara called me and told me what I was already thinking.

We don't want to be the people who don't include everyone. We would hate for anyone to feel unwelcome. Ray is a lovely person. On the other hand, this new dynamic doesn't work for us. The gatherings when she is there are no longer fun social gatherings, they're work place outings. If we were to be ourselves we risk offending Ray and effecting professional relationships (some people there work with Ray). Clara is Ray's direct supervisor.

Another person in the group Jax has a birthday coming up. They called me to help arrange something fun. The brought up that the dynamic changed when Ray was there and that maybe he should just invite Tom.

I'm not sure how to respond. I also don't find it fun when Ray is there but I don't want to upset anyone.

He'll be defensive because you're basically saying you don't want to hang out with his girlfriend because she's boring and woke. He was never going to take that well. And I don't know what you thought you could achieve by doing that. It's not like he's going to tell her to change her entire personality to fit in with his friends.

If I were you, I'd apologise to him and say of course she's completely welcome. Invite them along to things and be prepared to rein in the banter. But also organise things without inviting the two of them so you can still enjoy your fun times together. Either they will break up eventually and Tom can be invited back to everything, or they'll stay together and Ray will gradually join in with the general vibe, or both of them will fade away from the group.

This group of yours sounds kind of insufferable, to be quite honest.

You sound like the love children of Bernard Manning and Roy Chubby Brown.

I predict that Tom will see you through new eyes and soon find your crazy jokes as tedious as Ray clearly does, so your echo chamber problem will solve itself.

Sounds like you all have very high opinions of yourselves.

Maybe Ray just thinks you're all dicks?

Outrageous that MN deleted my comment. But warning someone in advance that you’ll be making lots of racist jokes because it’s soooooo funny is really very strange.

I genuinely don’t think you’re as funny as you all think.

They aren't "cliquey" they're a group of friends with similar interests and humour. That's normal. This person isn't their friend and wants to talk about completely different things and doesn't like their chat. They don't all have to adapt to this one new person! They don't want neutral chat.

How very British, the idea that there is something awfully wrong about having a high opinion of oneself! You should have a low opinion of yourself, apologise for existing and always put yourslef last, because you don't matter, is that the British way?

Please don't ever call me British ever again.

There's nothing wrong about having a high opinion of yourself. But this is crossing the line into pompous arseholes imo.