Well meant presents that are not suitable

[ChangedmynameagainforChristmas]

Does this happen to you?

I love my family. They are precious to me. My life is all about them. I look after grandchildren and spend lots of time with them all. Its what I do.
When it comes to Christmas presents I drop hints about what I like. They all know my favourite perfume which ran out last year and despite me saying so they bought things which were lovely but not what I wanted or needed such as the perfume but not my fave.. or very expensive purse to go with my handbag which is too big to fit inside or the beauty products that are unsuitable and so have not been used.

I know it sounds ungrateful.. it's not meant to be. I like Florentines, a cosy dressing gown and/or slippers. I love cherries in kirsch. I love a good candle. I am not materialstic at all. I drop the hints and they go by the board. I graciously accept the presents of course :)

tell them that you don't want them to waste their money while things are so tight for many people and that you'd appreciate X (plus link) or gift certificate?

What do you say when they give you the unsuitable ones? I used to nod and smile but now i ask if they can change it.

Ask. Don't hint. People aren't mind readers. Ask - what would DC like for Christmas this year? My perfume has run out btw so that would be a good gift.

Unless some actually asks, I will just drop hints. I think my daughter has bought me a dressing gown this year.
I always buy what they ask for !

Stop hinting.

It drives me mad when I ask DM if there is anything she’d like for Christmas and she doesn’t tell me what she wants. I end up spending £££ on too many things in the hope there is something she will like. It’s stressful and a waste of time and money.

Tell them directly ‘I’d love it if one of you could buy x,y or a this year please’. Job done.

I would assume that someone who loves dressing gowns and slippers already has plenty of their own, chosen to their taste! And that they kept themselves stocked with their favourite perfume. It sounds like you are getting thoughtful presents, they’ve looked at what you like and tried to get something similar - so it might not land exactly right, surely that’s not the point? One of the nice things about presents is getting stuff you might not ever have tried.

I ask what people want and usually get ‘don’t know’ or ‘nothing’. I’m out of ideas now.

Stop hinting and start asking, that's the only way this will be resolved!

Next year you say 'DD, please let me know what you'd like for Christmas so I can start shopping. If you're stuck for me I'd love some new slippers, I've seen some in [insert shop here] that look very cosy'.

I think this is a difficult one as they are clearly trying. Do they know you don't like what they have got you previously? I'm sure they won't want to be wasting money on things you won't like or use especially with the way the world is right now! I ask my parents what they want for their Christmas and birthday presents and if it's something specific like a certain cd for my dad or bathroom stickers for my mum (the ones we have) then I get that. But they will often say something like a hot water bottle, pjs, a jumper ect. and then I will just get them one that I think they will like along with some other little surprises.

Well yes, this is why exchanging gifts is (IMHO) a stupid system. Loads of money wasted on things which are well intentioned and thoughtful but inevitably not quite right. Or alternatively people spell out exactly what they want and get that - much better but a bit pointless as they could have just each bought it themself!

No, Nobody asks me what I would like so I drop large hints on the run up to Christmas.
This year I told my daughter I would love a cosy warm dressing gown as I don't have anything decent (all old stuff) and I think she has got me one.
The rest of them get it wrong every year despite the hints so maybe I will just tell them to buy me a box of florentines and a candle and they will think I am joking :)
I can't be the only person who does not get what they would really like surely !
Does no-one else get things that do not fit/ are unsuitable or are the wrong colour ?
A couple of years ago my partner's daughter gave me a sock which contained chain hotel toiletries including shaving gel and a little hard block of soap. That one had me baffled

My MIL was a beggar for buying you not quite what you actually wanted - for instance one year I asked for black gloves. I wasn't bothered about wool, fleece. leather, whatever, just black. She got me a beige hat, gloves, scarf set as she 'thought it was better value' - but it was more than the gloves from the same place and I never wore them (beige makes me look dug up). Anyway, the only way that we stopped her was doing Amazon wishlists - you can add things from any website to them - which seemed to make her just click something on the list and not try and 'improve' on it.

We absolutely insist that my DCs spend no more than £20 on me or their dad. Pressies are usually edible or a couple of paperbacks that they think we’ll enjoy.

I totally agree!

We write christmas lists so everyone gets presents they actually want. Then the smaller gifts and stocking fillers are the surprises

This.

@ChangedmynameagainforChristmas you sound petty and frankly rather cliched to criticize your daughter in law. Why must women be so horrible to each other? Presents are a minefield. Maybe she's low on cash or maybe she's just bad at presents, in which case your son should step in rather than getting the woman to do all the emotional labour. Or maybe she just doesnt like you. I probably wouldn't like my MIL if slagged off my present on mumsnet.

my dh just doesn't get hints, so I make a wish list and give it to him in december. I am very specific on the list, so it doesn't say 'perfume' it says 'XX brand perfume'
There is also a remember I love Cadbury's chocolate and hate Aldis own brand type bit.

Then it is over to him.
That way I don't know what I am getting, and it always fits the bill.

At one point I did need to say loudly to people - remember please thatI cannot use smellies due to exzema

My adult siblings and I used a system this year that worked well: we each do a wish list of things we would like.
Then one of us (there are six of us) picks from that list, I pick from one of their lists etc. We agreed a value of £86/100 euros which works out about a fifth of what I usually spend on them but they will get things they definitely want but not sure which things exactly if you see what I mean.
DH’s side only do children’s gifts.
I much prefer it this way.

They've probably read all the threads on here claiming no one likes candles

Just be explicit and give a list. OR be honest about not wanting what you receive...

Have you got a family WhatsApp group ? Can you put a few links saying 'if anyone is stuck on a Christmas present for me - I would like this' .

If I heard someone say "my favourite perfume has run out" I'd assume that was something they bought for themselves and they'd buy themselves more.
Actually even if I heard you add "I hope someone buys it for me" I probably would assume you would ask someone directly and not get it because I would want to avoid you getting 5+ bottles of it.

I used to have this with my late MIL. She would buy me make up sets,the full works,i.e. lipstick, eyeshadow, foundation,the lot. The only make up I ever wore was mascara and lip gloss. Or a handbag that was lovely,apart from the fact that it was bright pink. I only ever use black,navy or dark grey handbags. Always well meant but of no use to me at all!

That is actually really interesting.
If, towards Christmas, I heard someone say - my favourite perfuem has run out, I would assume it was a hint for a gift.
That may also be because my money is tight, so I probably wouldn't buy perfume for myself.

I find it fascinating that you would read it so differently and goes a long way to explaining why there are so many communication issues over presents!

@ReallyDarling · Yesterday 17:21
@ChangedmynameagainforChristmas you sound petty and frankly rather cliched to criticize your daughter in law. Why must women be so horrible to each other? Presents are a minefield. Maybe she's low on cash or maybe she's just bad at presents, in which case your son should step in rather than getting the woman to do all the emotional labour. Or maybe she just doesnt like you. I probably wouldn't like my MIL if slagged off my present on mumsnet.

Really, was there any need for that outburst !

I said my partner's daughter. She's not low on cash at all. To be honest I would rather not receive a present than something she cobbled up from an hotel. She bought my partner a bag full of goodies and the one sock was not even wrapped up.

I would go as far as to say that some Christmas presents are actually messages/weapons even from the sender but I expect that is another thread entirely.

Anyway.. I am now making a list as this seems to be the best way of avoiding receiving things which are expensive and the thought behind them appreciated but never used.

A sock? Have you only got one leg? Or was it a decorative Christmas stocking? I use shaving gel, so that would be OK for me