Who Will Look After You When You Are Old?

[Dalekjastninerels]

As someone who is single with no children I have heard this on a few occassions.

To which my answers are myself and if I get Dementia, the Nursing Home

I think it's a valid concern. In the scenario in your post, for example, who will be the person/people who notice the signs of dementia setting in? Who will advocate for you, or push you into seeing the GP when you yourself don't think anything is wrong? Generally the person or people doing this is the child of the old person. If you don't have children, or if your children live aboard/ have minimal or no contact with you, then it would probably be sensible to cultivate a range of very strong friendships with people who might step in and fill the gap.

Good point; but consider that friends will be of similar ages.

If I'm still with my boyfriend when we're old, then him I guess, and vice versa (or a different partner if I'm with someone else). If I'm single, friends? Supported accommodation? A nursing home? Some friends and I have agreed to be each other's POA if one of us ends up incapacitated and unable to make medical decisions. If I become unable to care for myself to a high degree my preference would be Dignitas tbh. I hope assisted dying becomes legal before I kick it

Personally it's very important for me to not be a burden so once I'm passed being useful and becoming a drain on my kids and finances etc then no one will look after me.

I would also hate the be a burden; I hate asking for anything and feeling beholden to someone.

You again?

What?!😡

You are clueless alright !😡

having children isn’t a guarantee you won’t be lonely/neglected in old age, in fact that’s a pretty poor reason to have children. There’s no guarantee they won’t move away, become estranged or need medical care themselves.

Having never wanted children I have always understood that I will be looking after myself in old age.

I hope to join a lot of community groups when I retire and hope that someone will point out to me if I start showing signs of dementia.

Other than that I kind of expect the state to step in if I can't manage my affairs as that point I suspect I will need care and will be funding it myself but obviously the state has to step in if I don't have capacity to arrange that myself.

One thing I am conscious of is to keep up to date with technology as a lot of the elderly I know haven't and now struggle with just about everything being online.

This is correct.

I think the point is there was a more or less identical thread last week.

On that thread I said that SIL has POA for a lady up the road who has no relatives.

My mum helped a neighbour who had few relatives although she didn't have PoA but she took her to a couple of hospital appointments and sorted out things like the SORN for her car. And she takes another neighbour to hospital appointments even though his useless son (who can drive but claims he can't get time off work) lives about 5 doors down!

Having family is no guarantee of help.

Obviously there's no guarantees that your children will help look after you in old age, however a wander through the elderly parents topic will soon show that it does happen a hell of a lot. Also shows how frequently the husband / wife / partner of an elderly person in physical and/or mental decline refuses to see it, and it's left to the usually daughter adult child to push for appropriate levels of care and support.

My parents are just about to enter their 70s. I live close to them, in part so that I can help them in their old age when they start to need it. They have helped and still do help me with childcare for my two children - we both view this as a bit of a tit-for-tat arrangement. Both parties would do it without the expected return, but we both think it seems like a fair go: they help me now, I help them later. I have two daughters, I would like to hope at least one of them ends up living near enough to me for a similar thing to happen, because I'd like to help look after my grandchildren and I'd like to have someone as close as a child to help me out in my dotage. Also because for both of my sets of grandparents, I watched my mum and dad trying to support them from afar and it was shit for everyone involved.

It's easy to say, "ship me off to dignitas because I don't want to be a burden" but ultimately humans are creatures who are driven by instinct to stay alive - and once dementia is bad enough to, in the mind of a fit and sane middle aged person, warrant death, the mind is no longer capable of making that decision.

Me too. Quality of life rather than quantity.

Having children is no guarantee of care into old age. Some parents outlive their children, lots live far away, others are estranged and some are just not that interested in their parents.

I don't put any expectations on my children to care for me when I'm old. If I've raised them right they'll hopefully have the confidence to be off exploring the world somewhere

Who will care for me? Dignitas.

Well, paid care probably. It's what we save for all our lives isn't it? I hope I'm unselfish enough to leave my busy adult DC free to live the most productive time of their lives with their jobs and young families, rather than be running round after me.
My DM ended up on antidepressants and BP medication 'caring' for my GM who had money sitting in the bank. It tainted my opinion of her tbh.
My GM died at 89 and my DM then six months later at 69. So much wasted opportunity.

I would like to thank everyone except one for their replies and opinions.

I have one dc and would not want to burden her at all. I will make my wishes known and make sure that my finances are sorted.

The problem with that, @Cornelious , is that wishes change. At forty you might think I want to go into a home as soon as I start to struggle, don't want to be a burden. You think the same at fifty. But at 60, those years are looking a lot closer and you still feel fine, you still work, you're not even retired yet! Then seventy, and yeah sometimes you forget things but hey doesn't everyone? At 75, ok, the house is a bit hard to look after now but you're ok, you don't need any help, you're definitely going to get that problem fixed, people should keep their noses out, you're a grown woman for goodness sake. Eighty, and you don't know why people keep making such a fuss, the house is fine, you don't need to use those rooms anyway and you can't trust tradesmen they all want to rio you off, so you aren't letting anyone in. Eighty-five and all those pills they want you to take are stupid, you're fine, and the doctors are wrong, the home carers are stealing from you, you'll be dammed if you're going to take me out of my house and stick me in a home.

What happens then? Someone says "listen, when you were forty five (forty years ago!) you said you didn't want to be a burden and would go in a home, so hop it!"

Dignitas, hopefully.

Advocating can be really difficult, not everyone has the ability, time or willingness to navigate the system to get the care needed plus organising shopping, bill paying, medical appointments, house maintenance, garden upkeep to name but a few things. I think some people assume their children will take on this role, but how a mid life child who probably has teenage children a full time job and a home of their own to look after manages caring and advocating on top of their own life must be incredibly hard.

No one. My kids won’t and I won’t expect them to.

Hopefully they’ll stick me in a nursing home and get on with thier lives

Im doing a lot for my mum as she’s pretty I’ll. but she has a partner. It’s a different generation and my kids are pretty self centred

I don't want my kids to look after me! I'd rather die early than put my kids through what I'd had to do!

But that still doesn't detract from the importance of the question. It's something I've thought about and I come up empty sans answers.