Elderly mum getting frail but not being proactive with her care

[IncessantNameChanger]

I think I'm just frustrated with my mum. She is only in her 70's so not really old.

She had a parkinson scare this year, but after seeing the neurologist she was told it wasn't PD. All good. But mum is still stooped and falls a lot so neuro asked for a MRI of her brain ( but the way mum describes it it is a CAT scan). And a bone density scan. Also some physio.

The physio was on a trading estate and after dark. Mum cancelled it because she got lost looking for the address before. I asked her why she couldn't book a taxi but there is a million reasons starting with she has no idea how much that will cost.

She also told my sister that as soon as the hospital dismissed PD she wanted to cancel all further tests.

Mum now mentions going into a care home now a lot. Quite happy in principle to pay £1k a week care home but not happy to pay £20 for a door to door taxi.

I'm really frustrated with her. Any offers of help are rebuffed. Here is aleays a wsy that my sugestions are ridiculous. I'm not going to phone up to get taxi quotes if she refuses to pay. She has a monthly income in excess of what I earned monthly as a computer programmer and extensive savings.

She has no light in either of the downstairs living rooms, she will not hire a handyman or electrician. She waits for my dh to have a weekend free to go down, pay for all the materials and fix it.

I asked her to buy a free standing floor lamp so she can tip it up to change the bulb. She said no because they are old fashioned.

I find her so frustrating. If she said she was turning blue and I suggested opening her mouth and drawing breath she would find a reason why she couldn't possibly do that.

I hung up her yesterday as when I called her my mobile keep dipping out and she was saying "I can't fucking hear you!" She NEVER calls me unless there has been a fall etc. I hung up on her.

Just needed to vent. She was a very abusive mother. I have had excellent councilling for her historic child abuse. This also clouds the picture as it FEELS like another way to abuse me but at the cost of shortening her life.

There is POA which maybe is a good thing as she would resist everything so maybe if she looses facalties she also looses her say and I won't be allowed to have input.

I can imagine saying " it's too late, I can't control any of this now"

Am I mean?

She may not want to be alone with a man she doesn’t know hence the taxi and issues with getting workmen in. I am not excusing her abuse at all and you haven’t detailed what she did but abusers have often been abused though not all abused people become abusers.

it FEELS like another way to abuse me

That's because it is OP.

I know it sounds trite, but you can only do so much. And that includes what you can emotionally cope with. If she won't let you do a thing, or you just can't face it, try to let it go. If you are concerned that she isn't acting in her own best interests, you could let adult social services know that she's vulnerable but that you aren't in a position to help.

I can relate on two separate fronts as I’m a child of abuse AND have neurological problems.

I think unfortunately things are always going to feel a little bit tireless in any situation with her because of this. Not to say you haven’t worked hard to heal, but sometimes that’s just the way it goes when the other person hasn’t. She sounds like she puts a lot of stress on you to essentially manage her life.

Is home OT not an option for her? A quick google will be able to tell you which organisation is nearest to you / would be working with you. In my experience they usually come anywhere from 1-3 times a week depending on the severity of what you’re experiencing. They’d also be able to provide her with walking aids if needed and potentially help with how to manage independently at home. It honestly might be better sorting this through a third party because in my experience people are a lot more docile with people they don’t know and a lot more inclined to say no to people in their family.

She wasn't abused sexually. Yes she had some shit dealt to her as her sister tried to kill her as a young child and then blamed my mum so their dad gave my mum the belt. But unless her dad beat the crap out her daily then she repaid her abuse to me a hundred fold.

I can't guarantee that any professional she will encounter won't be male so if that is her issue, I'm never going to able to help her on anything. In some way if that was the issue it would make my choice very easy.

If it was that she would need to say and proactively seek out a female electrician and female taxi of which I am sure there are many.

If I had been sexually assaulted that is what I would do rather than fall down the stairs in the dark.

I guess its her choice if she cancels appointments, if she changes her mind there may be a lady cab service, same with house repairs, she could look for female tradespeople. What would happen if you and your dh just stopped offering to help and let her sort out her own arrangements.

Mum had the 6 weeks of home help after she fell and tried to get up gorgeous 20 hours before calling for help. She stopped them coming after three days. I know you can't diagnose but she seems to hate any human interaction so I think she can't cope with getting into a taxi, or taking delivery of shopping. But honestly I also think she is incredibly tight with money too so she was scared after 6 weeks she would have to pay.

Which makes her saying she wants to go into a home ludicrous. I said "your not willing to get a taxi for max £20 ( if that, she lives in a very deprived area) but your happy to pay for a care home?"

I think she wants to book and pay, which I might if she would accept it, she won't!

I booked Tesco for her at the start of covid. She made me cancel it and went on the buss to the large supermarket.

When she falls it's always rubbish or her shoes. Just frustrating. She getting frailer but never any easier to deal with.

How can you prioritise abuse still when it might be your own downfall?

She would never replace the lighting. I told her if she fell, and the paramedics found her in a dark room they would remove her choices. She said I was scaring her so I decided to let her live in her version of reality. I don't want to be the bad guy. But I can't guess what she wants to hear. I live 80 miles away. 4 kids. Three have SEN. One is severe. I can't see her weekly. Dh works rotating weekends

She seems socially awkward but still able to give her friends and total strangers a mouthful of abuse. If your texting on your phone and cross her path she won't twice before calling you an expletive

The paramedics wouldn't remove her choices, they may refer her to social services. If she had therapists in when she was discharged then she will be in their system, if she wantes to she could have a home visit and get adaptations at the house plus things like a falls detector, rails, keysafe. Next time she says she wants to go into a carehome could you just agree, say thats a good idea, get a few brochures for her and just stop helping.

If your mother can afford a care home, it might be the best option for her.

I think she is going to end up in a home prematurely any way as she not being proactive to avoid it.

Pay for electrician or sit in the dark
Pay for taxi or refuse physio
Refuse scans as horrible diagnosis ruled out

Yes it's all her choice. I might ask if she wants me to get brochures for her.

Please believe me when I say that I am not dismissing the abuse you received from your mother. However pretty much all you describe of your mother's behaviour is standard for an elderly parent becoming more frail.

The taxi thing - In my parents and DP's parent's case I think it was because taxis were seen as a luxury, not for day to day stuff, whereas now people use taxis much more, especially in locations where Uber is available

Electricians or any other trade for that matter - in many ways similar to the taxis. People were reluctant to use tradespeople because of the cost so relied on others (mostly men) to sort things out for them. hence expecting your DH to sort out the problems

Health scares - oh this is the biggest annoyance of all - Once the worst has been ruled out, they don't want to know, even if it would lead to treatment which would improve their quality of life. I could give you so many examples from mine and DP's parents. And even if you get them to the doctors, they can't report back what was said and agreed, but don't want you in with them.

Sending away carers - classic, happens so often

What I'm basically saying is that all this behaviour is pretty standard with elderly and increasingly frail parents, but with the overlay of past abusive behaviour I can see the experience of it must be pushing you so hard.

To answer your direct question - yes maybe you should ask if your mother would like care home brochures sent to her. Although I would caution you that such an offer could be thrown back in your face (and yes this has happened with DP's parents) and that's without any history of abuse. You have your own children to care for - focus on them. At most you could refer her to her local social services department and they will try and assess her - again she may refuse, but at least that way you know you have done all you can to see she gets the support she needs

She doesnt need to know you asked for carehome brochures.

Its part of abuse ..Op you may need some more therapy on your boundaries .....
Dont send her brochures, she won't look at them....you know thst

Focus on your family and DC. .you have to prioritise them... and yourself...

I'd take a big step back and let her get on with it. If she had a care plan in place after her fall that time, then even though she cancelled it, they will still have her on their radar. So maybe contact them and explain how impossible things are becoming, and that you thought they should be aware of the situation as you no longer feel able to help her due to her being so difficult. It might also be worth talking to her GP to give them the heads-up as well.

You don't have to be responsible for her.

There's no way I'm ever going to be able to be responsible for her. She is too obtuse for that. She's got totally different priorities to me. Also I have a disabled child so I know first hand how shit socail care can be.

I think really that even as a frail old lady she is still so, I don't know how to describe it? Purposely difficult over everything. You expect a daughter to be protective of her old frail mum. But not that future she created for herself. Lots of healthy decades in her past but no intentions of being a positive in my life.

Negative. Energy zapping and frustrating.

Are you sure she could actually manage to do these things? My parents couldn't organise a taxi and it seems ridiculous to me when people suggest it to them. They wouldn't even be able to find a number for a company as they would want to use a non existent yellow pages. They couldn't search out online recommendations, use an Uber, could only pay cash and wouldn't know if a five mile journey should cost £10 or £100.
Likewise tradesmen. They can't tell a landline number from a mobile, can't search online and if they could wouldn't know a reputable company from a fly by night.
Can you not organise this stuff and have them pay. My parents would at least be more than happy to pay.

She knows how to phone people. Whether it's a mobile or landlines isn't really relevant. For example there are taxi number on a board at her Tesco so she could take note of one of those. She could ask for patient transport to the physio.

She gets check a trade leaflets through her door, her neighbours if she ever needs anything to ask and they mean it.

If I drive to hers, it costs us upwards of £35 in fuel, parts then dh time but it would work out less to get a trade in.

Like I said I picked out food, booked Tesco, paid for it. She just refused it.

It depends on each individual, my mum in her 90s is able to use a mobile and landline phone to ring taxi companies and pay for it

For your own well being, you can only get as involved as you can cope with. If she asks for help, fair enough but do things from afar, ie make phone calls or give her the telephone numbers of people who can help.

Obviously if you happen to be visiting together and there's anything DH can do while he's there that would help her that's fine but keep it to simple jobs (ie tighening up handles on saucepans, changing lightbulb if she doesn't want to get on chair etc).

Dh is a electrician but mum.asked himmto look at her taps once. She had to call outva plumber and was fuming at him, dispite being a favour he told her didn't have the tools or skill for.

You have to learn to say no, its hard but if she is shouting at you and your dh then dont give her the opportunity. Can you both sit down and tell her you will not tolerate her shouting any more and if she needs help she can organise it herself. Like pp said maybe offer to do something small if you visit but what ever you or dh do will be wrong and you have yourself and your own family to look after.

I don’t know why your bothering with her.

Perhaps sheltered housing - warden on site, all maintenance taken care of in service charges - is what she needs? Rather than a care home at this stage?