Elderly mum getting frail but not being proactive with her care

[IncessantNameChanger]

I think I'm just frustrated with my mum. She is only in her 70's so not really old.

She had a parkinson scare this year, but after seeing the neurologist she was told it wasn't PD. All good. But mum is still stooped and falls a lot so neuro asked for a MRI of her brain ( but the way mum describes it it is a CAT scan). And a bone density scan. Also some physio.

The physio was on a trading estate and after dark. Mum cancelled it because she got lost looking for the address before. I asked her why she couldn't book a taxi but there is a million reasons starting with she has no idea how much that will cost.

She also told my sister that as soon as the hospital dismissed PD she wanted to cancel all further tests.

Mum now mentions going into a care home now a lot. Quite happy in principle to pay £1k a week care home but not happy to pay £20 for a door to door taxi.

I'm really frustrated with her. Any offers of help are rebuffed. Here is aleays a wsy that my sugestions are ridiculous. I'm not going to phone up to get taxi quotes if she refuses to pay. She has a monthly income in excess of what I earned monthly as a computer programmer and extensive savings.

She has no light in either of the downstairs living rooms, she will not hire a handyman or electrician. She waits for my dh to have a weekend free to go down, pay for all the materials and fix it.

I asked her to buy a free standing floor lamp so she can tip it up to change the bulb. She said no because they are old fashioned.

I find her so frustrating. If she said she was turning blue and I suggested opening her mouth and drawing breath she would find a reason why she couldn't possibly do that.

I hung up her yesterday as when I called her my mobile keep dipping out and she was saying "I can't fucking hear you!" She NEVER calls me unless there has been a fall etc. I hung up on her.

Just needed to vent. She was a very abusive mother. I have had excellent councilling for her historic child abuse. This also clouds the picture as it FEELS like another way to abuse me but at the cost of shortening her life.

There is POA which maybe is a good thing as she would resist everything so maybe if she looses facalties she also looses her say and I won't be allowed to have input.

I can imagine saying " it's too late, I can't control any of this now"

Am I mean?

In your shoes I would take her literally and register her interest in a bunch of care homes/assisted living and leave her to
It.

You have offered help, she said no so you leave it.

You have done your duty, you cannot force anyone to accept help when they do not want it.

She would be much happier in sheltered accommodation. But everytime we talk about she asks what she would do with her furniture. I told her that she would have to see what fits then downsize. Everything is met with negativity.

She basically wants nothing to change and it's accepting her increasing frailty but also refusing suggestions of help.

"How am I supposed to do that?!" Is like a standing joke with us. She has missed all of her siblings funerals because "how am I supposed to there?!" I will give you a lift mum "how can you do that?!" Don't worry I know the logistics you just need to say yes and I will pick you up "no I can't get there!" So I went without her. I was terrified of telling her.

Everything is impossible!

I think I'm going to say to her next time a care home is mentioned " I think it's time we had a serious conversation about an assisted flat". If she says no then I can say "well I won't bring it up again until you tell me to".

What she wants I feel is for me to say "no mum your being ridiculous of course you don't need a home at your young age and in such great shape!" That is what she wants to hear.

It's like a version of "I might as well be dead".

She won't need a home. She will fall down the stairs in the dark before too long.

Could she book herself into a care home for a few weeks respite care? Many homes have a room used for respite care and then she can she if she likes it.

You need to grey rock

"Well that's your choice"

You need to emotionally detach massively.

"What will I do with my furniture" - that's your choice, it's no use to you if you're dead from failing.

You need to go grey rock.

I had a friend whose mother sounded similar. She’d actually dumped friend at her dads as a teenager and buggered off. Friend moves hundreds of miles away as an adult, mum turns up living a few miles away.
Mum constantly wanted her to sort things out for her at her convenience of course. Wouldn’t help herself. Often ended up in hospital. friend would get calls at 9pm saying ‘your mums ready to go home can you pick her up’ without knowing she was even in. So she would have to go, and go get shopping and sort her house out, getting home after midnight.
Hated her husband but wanted him to come and sort things. Refused any help from social services. It’s just a form of control.

MIL refused food deliveries because they would ‘just leave them on the street to be stolen’ no matter how many times that they would bring it. She didn’t see how DH couldn’t make a 700 mile round trip to take her shopping.

No you are not.

If she's saying she's happy to go in a home then maybe that's the way to go.

She puts up barriers every time you suggest anything or offer help so stop offering. If she brings up moving into a carehome just smile and switch off. She is acting like a child really and doesn't want to be told what to do. Whats the worse that can happen.

Could you call a
Adult social care anonymously and let them assess her.. she sounds like she self neglects…

I dont want to be nasty but why are you bothering with her after all this stress?

She is an adult she can sort herself out it is not your duty or responsibility to do that. 70 is still young and it doesnt sound like she has dementia, shes just being difficult because you entertain it.

Just agree with her, dont argue or try and give her suggestions just say "yes that's a pity the electrics out" or something to that effect- acknowledge it but dont offer to fix it.

I'm not saying you go no contact or anything but honestly she just sounds like a nightmare of selfishness when you already have a lot on your plate. Many people at 70 are still working, your mum is choosing to infantilize herself but try and put boundaries in place for your own wellbeing and if she wants to go into a home then let her. I do think the older generation are funny about money and things like taxis or strangers coming into their house, even professionals but that doesnt mean you have to sort everything out for her withet

Sorry to resurrect this post but I am in a similar position now and just wondered how you got on?

Not great tbh. Mum didn't get proactive or take any advice and died a few months after I posted this. She saved all that money which I then inherited in a nutshell.

I was frantically trying to contact her consultant and get POA the week she died. Before I knew she died I was at a mental health crisis hub as I thought i was having a break down from all the stress.

She wasn't ill. but i wont ever know the results of the parkinsons test. I guess she died at home at least but the circumstances was very sad. If she had a cleaner or a gardener once a week I'm sure she would still be alive.

I have felt like shit for months on end that I didn't do more, but I was doing everything I could and there's nothing more I could have done as it would all be rebuffed including on cost. I haven't spent one penny of her money and quite frankly she was so tight the thought of spending it makes me feel sick.

Sorry

Thank you so much for getting back to me. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss.

My Mum has a progressive Parkinsonism and whilst it isn’t the kind that gives dementia it has impacted on her mind. She hates change, can’t make a decision and complains about everything. I too am having a mental health crisis, off work sick and with Counsellor support. I urge you to get support from a Counsellor as this will help you talk through all these issues you faced (only go with a clinical psychologist - anyone can go into counselling but not all are trained or registered, clinical psychologists are).

My father died 7 years ago, his death was quick (in that he didn’t suffer, although he was on his own and he had been dead a week before I realised!!) but I have terrible guilt that I should have done more to help. So I know how you are feeling. My mums health is a slightly slower decline but I can see that she is really struggling, I try to get the support in place but she has become very frail and her prognosis is not great so she is clearly anxious and depressed. My sister is putting extreme pressure on me to tell her she needs to go in a care home. But then she wouldn’t need to go in a care home if my sister helped out even just a little bit. She’s too busy driving around in flash cars, with her middle class drink problem and having a mod life crisis that she is now 40 and not the young glamorous girl she once was!

It’s all very difficult isn’t it, I’ve just turned 38 and have a 20 month old daughter! I just find everything a fight, with the NHS and then not knowing all the things available for home care and simply not trusting 3 companies before our current provider.

Please be kind to yourself and spend that money on some much needed Counselling (I’m sure the interest will cover the counselling so you aren’t actually even spending it!).

I’m of the conclusion it’s less cruel when we die quickly (but perhaps before our time) than having to live through a progressive disease which takes everything from you.

OP, you can't fix her, you can't change her and you can't make her do anything. Stop. You are an abused child still seeking her approval. Please get more therapy.

@Sausagedogs123 one thing I only considered with hind sight was to get mum a Apple watch so I could have seen her movements.

You can ask your mum for written permission to talk to all of her health professionals and I'd advise you to do that ASAP. You don't need POA for that. Her gp in fact let slip far more than they should have without it. You need to be present at her hospital appointments and get the MDM notes.

The thing is at the end of the day your the tide crashing pointlessly on mums rocks.

You need to do what you need to do to live with your own concous but accept at the same time sometimes you can't change anything really. My sibling was in total denial too. I begged to read the medical letters and Google the teems. Weird cause of death was found after a inquest but the only person who quired it so I didn't pursue a lot of stuff I really wanted too.

The one take home id say to you is that you can not control your mums desisions even if she decides to shorten her life with bad desisions.

I really feel for you. If you want to chat feel free to pm me.

Sometimes you can't really win. Just follow your gut and please think of yourself and your kids. They need you so much more than anyone else in this world

Thank you. Yes I’m chatting to all her healthcare professionals, she can’t write but I’m on their systems (unless they forget). I push them all, I push for quicker appointments, for new treatment, for physio and SALT. The NHS is a mess, it’s a full time job being the coordinator!

She’s housebound and I have the tracker app on her phone and a ring doorbell.

I don’t have health POA which we need to do this week really.

I worry for the people that have no one!