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Original poster

MIL with Dementia visiting

54 replies

Glenthebattleostrich · 27/11/2022 18:31

Sorry I just need to offload so I can keep the smile in place. So before anyone says I'm a bitch or whatever I'm venting here so I can stay lovely to her.

MIL has dementia. We are waiting for a reassement as she has gotten significantly worse. I'm talking not recogising her granddaughter, asking how I know her son, telling me she used to have a son called xxx but she doesn't know what happened to him worse.

We have her to stay this weekend as her daughter who does most care (lives over the street from her) needed a weekend off and I had stuff already in the diary so we brought her here. I also want my DH to see just how bad she is.

Yesterday she arrives and doesn't recognize me or DD. Had a very pleasant chat about people I may know. I went to my work night out and she pulled down a curtain pole (DH was with her). I got home to find her in her underwear and coat telling us she was off for the bus home. Managed to get her to bed and she was up several times in the night.

Today she has shouted and sworn, accused me of stealing her pen (which she lost years ago), stolen 2 inhalers of mine and generally been Fucking unbearable. DD is hiding in her bedroom, DH is still trying to be in denial and I'm halfway down a bottle of wine before I scream.

I understand it is her condition and not her fault. I'm actually angry that the NHS refuse to see her for 6 months and social services refuse to do an assessment. I'm furious that her children won't go private to get the care she needs (it would be tight but we could do it). Mostly I'm Fucking angry that no one will accept that she needs help and extra care. I'm pissed off that I'm being forced to be the bad guy forcing the issue by refusing to have her to stay again because of the impact on my daughter.

I Fucking hate Dementia.

OP posts:
crossstitchingnana · 27/11/2022 18:34

That sounds awful, for everyone. You vent away, and I hope your MIL gets the help she needs.

CaptainMyCaptain · 27/11/2022 18:35

Sympathy. My Dad attempted to cover up my mother's condition for years. It was a complete nightmare and I had to be the bad guy and go to their GP. They both blamed me for messing up their lives but she did get medication which helped for a while. I have no advice just sympathy.

Original poster
Glenthebattleostrich · 27/11/2022 18:35

Oh and the utterly blank face and lack of comprehension when asked a question is driving me nuts.

And the constant humming, just always making noises.

The half finished sentences then getting angry because I have no idea what she's talking about.

The kleptomania, literally anything little is being stolen. Just found my tweezers in her pocket when she said her hip hurt.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Dementia & alzheimer's
Original poster
Glenthebattleostrich · 27/11/2022 18:37

And thank you for the sympathy. I think its so hard watching a lovely woman disappear and be replaced by this angry stranger.

OP posts:
CaptainMyCaptain · 27/11/2022 18:41

You don't mention incontinence. My mum just stopped caring and did it wherever she was. It was awful. When she stopped eating she had to go into a care home then hospital then another care home to die. Only she didn't die they got her to eat (after eating nothing for five weeks) and lived another 18 months.

CaptainMyCaptain · 27/11/2022 18:42

If it was me I'd rather die. Sorry, its my worst fear.

Mischance · 27/11/2022 18:42

It is hell. My poor OH had PD and went totally loopy at the end - thought he was being cut up and put down sewer, that I was trying to kill him etc.

It really s0ounds as though medics and SS should be involved with your MIL. It is likely that she is unsafe at home on her own.

Sorry you are all going through this.

chesterelly1 · 27/11/2022 18:44

Come and join the Cockroach Cafe thread on the Elderly Parent board. There are some very wise & experienced posters who can maybe signpost you to any available help or indeed advise how to extract DH's head from his bottom. In the meantime I think you are absolutely right to state the will be the last time she stays, for everyone's sake, not least mil, who will be worse in an unfamiliar environment. Next time sil needs a break, DH is going to have to go there.

MrsSirusBlack · 27/11/2022 18:46

Ask social care to do a financial assessment of her finances only and then she should be awarded a carers allowance. Make sure they know it’s urgent and there is a worry she might run off or she’s living by herself etc.

SirVixofVixHall · 27/11/2022 18:49

Glenthebattleostrich · 27/11/2022 18:31

Sorry I just need to offload so I can keep the smile in place. So before anyone says I'm a bitch or whatever I'm venting here so I can stay lovely to her.

MIL has dementia. We are waiting for a reassement as she has gotten significantly worse. I'm talking not recogising her granddaughter, asking how I know her son, telling me she used to have a son called xxx but she doesn't know what happened to him worse.

We have her to stay this weekend as her daughter who does most care (lives over the street from her) needed a weekend off and I had stuff already in the diary so we brought her here. I also want my DH to see just how bad she is.

Yesterday she arrives and doesn't recognize me or DD. Had a very pleasant chat about people I may know. I went to my work night out and she pulled down a curtain pole (DH was with her). I got home to find her in her underwear and coat telling us she was off for the bus home. Managed to get her to bed and she was up several times in the night.

Today she has shouted and sworn, accused me of stealing her pen (which she lost years ago), stolen 2 inhalers of mine and generally been Fucking unbearable. DD is hiding in her bedroom, DH is still trying to be in denial and I'm halfway down a bottle of wine before I scream.

I understand it is her condition and not her fault. I'm actually angry that the NHS refuse to see her for 6 months and social services refuse to do an assessment. I'm furious that her children won't go private to get the care she needs (it would be tight but we could do it). Mostly I'm Fucking angry that no one will accept that she needs help and extra care. I'm pissed off that I'm being forced to be the bad guy forcing the issue by refusing to have her to stay again because of the impact on my daughter.

I Fucking hate Dementia.

That is pretty bad. It does sound as though she will need full time care imminently, as she might leave her house at night or do something else very dangerous , so her daughter being around a lot and living close by may not be enough any more.
It is really hard OP. I sympathise.

Remagirl · 27/11/2022 18:53

You can also ask for the duty social worker to make an assessment. They may be able to section her and have her taken into appropriate care as a safeguarding issue. It is really unfair on her and you to persist. It would be awful if she went on the wander and was hurt. My grandad was prone to this and also became violent. It was terrible and a huge relief when the decision was taking away from his family and he was sectioned x

Mariposista · 27/11/2022 18:54

This poor poor lady. Breaks my heart. I hope she gets the care and protection she needs soon. Gosh this would be my worst nightmare, and she must feel so scared and confused.

FictionalCharacter · 27/11/2022 18:54

CaptainMyCaptain · 27/11/2022 18:42

If it was me I'd rather die. Sorry, its my worst fear.

Same here, after seeing my mother go through this.
@Glenthebattleostrich How on earth can your husband still be in denial? Does he really think any of this is normal, or does he just think someone else will deal with it and he can pretend everything is OK?

yumyum33 · 27/11/2022 18:55

I am sorry you and the rest of the family are having to battle this without full support from social services. I work in the care sector and my advice is really for the lady's daughter who I think you said was the primary carer. If she were to ring your local duty social worker's helpline and say that she was "Withdrawing her Support" that should trigger a chain of events that would (should) herald people stepping in to help remedy what sounds like an untenable situation.

abblie · 27/11/2022 19:00

Now think how her daughter feels if she sees this everyday

TheShellBeach · 27/11/2022 19:06

FictionalCharacter · 27/11/2022 18:54

Same here, after seeing my mother go through this.
@Glenthebattleostrich How on earth can your husband still be in denial? Does he really think any of this is normal, or does he just think someone else will deal with it and he can pretend everything is OK?

Show quote history

As a former dementia care nurse I was always amazed by the large number of sons (more than daughters) who thought that their mothers (it was usually mothers) were just having a bad day and that their dementia wasn't too terrible.

This was usually the case despite the most outrageous and egregious incidents, where their mothers were violent/aggressive/determined to leave the house in the middle of the night/frequently getting undressed and wandering about/doubly incontinent, etc etc etc.

I do not know what causes this obvious cognitive dissonance, just that I have observed it very frequently.

Daughters and women generally are a good deal more clear-sighted about what is going on.

Kiitos · 27/11/2022 19:06

How awful for you all. She sounds exactly like my mum. Really at a point where the care should be full time. I don’t blame you for saying she can’t come to stay again, as PP says it’s no good for anyone including her. If the GP isn’t involved they should be, but as I’m sure many people know, social care provision is pretty much nonexistent anyway and private care may well be your only option if she has the money to fund it. You have my sympathies.

TheShellBeach · 27/11/2022 19:09

One little piece of advice, OP - when talking to dementia patients, never ask questions. People with severe dementia cannot figure out what you mean, but they realise that you're expecting a response, and it bothers them and makes them more confused than usual.

Also, just agree with everything they say. It is very wearing to be contradicted all the time. So what if you know quite well that someone's parents died thirty years ago? They do not remember, and it is frightening to be told the opposite of what they believe to be true.

Byelaws · 27/11/2022 19:11

Poor you. Is there a power of attorney in place?

You need to get one if not. Get her house sold and put her in a good home as soon as possible.

TheShellBeach · 27/11/2022 19:11

If the GP isn’t involved they should be

Unfortunately, most GPs are hopeless with dementia patients.

kitcat15 · 27/11/2022 19:13

She should stay in her own surroundings...your DP can go and look after her in her own home next time

Cherrysoup · 27/11/2022 19:15

I feel your pain. It’s only a matter of time before she hurts herself. My lovely mil went downhill ridiculously quickly, it was awful to see. Surely your Dh has understood the severity of her condition now?

Theydoyaknow · 27/11/2022 19:23

We have her to stay this weekend as her daughter who does most care (lives over the street from her) needed a weekend off

She has to deal with it every day God love her.

CaptainMyCaptain · 27/11/2022 19:34

TheShellBeach · 27/11/2022 19:11

If the GP isn’t involved they should be

Unfortunately, most GPs are hopeless with dementia patients.

My parents' GP had a doctor who specialised in this. When I phoned them in despair asking what I should do they sent her round THE SAME DAY!

CaptainMyCaptain · 27/11/2022 19:36

When she went into hospital it was a different story and most of the nurses didn't know what to do with her. The consultant was amazing though and tried to feed her himself. This was about 12 years ago.