MIL with Dementia visiting

[Glenthebattleostrich]

Sorry I just need to offload so I can keep the smile in place. So before anyone says I'm a bitch or whatever I'm venting here so I can stay lovely to her.

MIL has dementia. We are waiting for a reassement as she has gotten significantly worse. I'm talking not recogising her granddaughter, asking how I know her son, telling me she used to have a son called xxx but she doesn't know what happened to him worse.

We have her to stay this weekend as her daughter who does most care (lives over the street from her) needed a weekend off and I had stuff already in the diary so we brought her here. I also want my DH to see just how bad she is.

Yesterday she arrives and doesn't recognize me or DD. Had a very pleasant chat about people I may know. I went to my work night out and she pulled down a curtain pole (DH was with her). I got home to find her in her underwear and coat telling us she was off for the bus home. Managed to get her to bed and she was up several times in the night.

Today she has shouted and sworn, accused me of stealing her pen (which she lost years ago), stolen 2 inhalers of mine and generally been Fucking unbearable. DD is hiding in her bedroom, DH is still trying to be in denial and I'm halfway down a bottle of wine before I scream.

I understand it is her condition and not her fault. I'm actually angry that the NHS refuse to see her for 6 months and social services refuse to do an assessment. I'm furious that her children won't go private to get the care she needs (it would be tight but we could do it). Mostly I'm Fucking angry that no one will accept that she needs help and extra care. I'm pissed off that I'm being forced to be the bad guy forcing the issue by refusing to have her to stay again because of the impact on my daughter.

I Fucking hate Dementia.

To clarify, SIL has been refusing help for a few years. I have been trying to find out more information about her condition etc for some time. But she's not my mum. I've been busy supporting my parents through a stroke, heart condition and other family issues.

DH struggles to reconcile the woman in our house with his mum. There has been a rapid deterioration during covid when we couldn't visit and the waiting lists are horrendous at the moment. DH has had mental health issues caused by lockdown as has DD which we have worked hard at.

We will be taking a stronger line and be more involved but we live 200 miles away and do rely on information being passed on. I am pushing for her to be placed in residential care. Happy to sell her house and use the funds, we don't give a rats arse about inheritance etc, just want her to be cared for and safe.

Thanks for the advice on how to deal with her, I'll have a look at the cockroach cafe. We are up for a few days after Christmas so are booking to look at some facilities then. I'm also calling her consultant and social services next week to push for a reassessment.

If she is in her own place she may be better - Your DH should be there looking after her. Not her coming to your place - which will confuse her and upsets you.
And the point about not asking questions and agreeing to what ever she says is spot on.

In terms of what your sister in law is dealing with, I'm certain your MIL will be much worse in an unfamiliar place. That doesn't mean she's not very unwell and that your SIL isn't at the end of her rope but it may not be so extreme at home.

I would just tell your dh that you are going to talk to your SIL and support her to make a plan, which will not involve visits to you. It should definitely involve immediate contact with her GP and SS.

My mother is in the late stages of Alzheimer's now. My advice is:

• Get medical POA in place now or SS will take forever do act/access and help, should her condition worsen quickly (or if her "carer" over the road was to become incapacitated)
• Age Concern very helpful for advice, as are the Alzheimer's Society. Encompass is another charity (I'm in Lancashire) who gave some great pointers. *Get her assessed again and get her on the reccomend medication as this can significantly slow the progress of this disease. *Get financial POA on place so if she deteriorates/goes in a home fee's/bills and banking can run smoothly. *Get Attendance Allowance paid to the carer over the road (DWP's) You can look into Carers Allowance at the same time. *Make sure everything is logged with her GP *Possibly get private carers to visit 1/2/3/4 times a day (in home)

Good luck to you and your family OP x

Attendance allowance is paid to the person not the carer, I believe.

@Glenthebattleostrich @MyCatIsAFuckwit has given the advice I would give if you can get POAs asap.

Your SIL will be exhausted, I have seen a number of relatives care for loved ones with dementia and it’s the relentless nature of caring that takes a toll. The help is there but you need to be pro active and find your way around the system.

Yes, me too. That and going blind are my worst fears.

Oh I know there’s not much the GP can do. But if you push there are some things. Medications for a start, or referral to the memory clinic. I was skeptical about the medications but recently my mum had a few days off the meds (ran out) and the decline was rapid and terrifying.

and for those suggesting getting POA for her c I would imagine it’s far to late for that given that she has lost capacity already

LPA

it may be expected progression of dementia, there may not be anything to be done medically

if do, it is care that is needed so via social care services

sounds so very difficult - wishing you all the best

It sounds like she is past the stage of being able to get power of attorney.

Poor you. Is there a power of attorney in place? You need to get one if not. Get her house sold and put her in a good home as soon as possible.
You can't get a LPOA on someone with dementia if it's not already in place.

The diagnosis of dementia wouldn't stop a power of attorney in itself but if she's struggling to recognise people I'd agree she may no longer have mental capacity to give power of attorney to anyone.

We have financial power of attorney. She refused to give us medical. At least it is easier when it comes to selling her house / disposal of assets to pay for care.

I don't think she has the capacity to grant medical now. I think we can apply to the courts for it

Trying to get us all to bed soon. DH has arranged to meet his sister when he drops his mum off to get details of who to speak to so I can make some calls next week.

Thanks again for the support.

I'm sorry OP, this must be very hard for you. If you can get her checked for a UTI as that will increase deterioration considerably.

If she has assets and dh and his sister have financial power of attorney, they should start looking at homes. They will have to pay for her care until there is nothing left in her estate.

If your dh and his sister won't do that, they they need to accept the burden of full time care.

I have a disabled child who will dependent on us his whole night. His level of need isn't dissimilar to your MIL's. I wish he could live the happy, independent life I dreamed of on the day he was born. But he won't because he can't.

If my either I or my dh had just refused to accept our son's care needs, we would have failed him.

I’m really sorry for your trouble. I’ve been in a similar situation, it is awful dealing with people who have outlived themselves. I don’t have any advice or helpful comment, but I send you sympathy and support.

Well after a 5am bathroom flood DH is onboard with looking for a care home. We have a week off off over Christmas to start getting the house sorted for sale and to find somewhere for her.

DH is making a GP appointment for her for later today to get checked for a UTI and is taking a half day to take her (she lives 2 hours away).

Ive emailed age uk and admiral nurses for advice on getting care in place and to see if they can point us in the direction of care homes. Ideally we can find somewhere she can still have a little independence.

Left the house at 7:30 for work (DH works from home) to her fast asleep again so hopefully she'll be out for a couple of hours.

Thanks for the support. This isn't something ive had to deal with, both grandparents died from cancer and at 70 my parents have huge amounts of health issues but not dementia.

Your best option is for DH to meet his sister and go and book to look around some care homes with dementia care on offer.
If they agree on one then at this stage it's a case of taking MIL for a visit and she stays there.
I work in care homes and I can't see how your SIL can care for poor DM on her own without even a care package going in 2/3 times a day.
There is a shortage of care package support in the community anyway so she really needs to be admitted in my humble opinion and care package cannot support 24/7.
Sounds like she needs the night staff on hand for her own safety.
Does she have savings to cover care while you sell the property?
Some LA's will agree to fund until a property has sold and they reclaim the funds.
Often people are more settled I their own environment but she does sound very confused and at risk of wandering off in the night.
Hope they can get her settled somewhere soon.

It sounds like this visit, however horrendous, may have triggered a process that needed to happen. Be prepared for your SIL to resist, but I hope not.

Re power of attorney- now that it's not feasible, you will need to apply to the Court of Protection for deputyship instead. There are forms online. It can take a long time so I'd start early if you can.

It’s good you have financial LPOA. That’s the important one.
Social services need to do an assessment. Is it that they won’t, or your sister in law won’t allow it?

www.alzheimers.org.uk/about-us/contact-us may have more immediate targeted local information than age uk, and her local council may have a dementia support department (bit of a postcode lottery).

We had the same with my FIL. DH and MIL pretended it was a bad day, his medication causing it, anything but face up to the truth. She will be worse at your house though as she is out of routine and familiar things. You are right that you need to source care though as it's not going to get any better. I feel for you, I really do.

Huge sympathies, OP - having been through all this twice, my FiL, followed by my DM.

There comes a point where a care home is the only practical option - it’s just too stressful and exhausting to cope with in an ordinary domestic setting. We did manage - after a good deal of looking - to find very good ones for DM and FiL, after it was clear that 24/7 hour care and supervision was needed - they weren’t safe to be left for even half an hour.

I hope this won’t be the case with you, but if it happens please ignore any sanctimonious types who piously tell you that they’d never put a parent in a care home. I can almost guarantee that such people have absolutely no idea what it’s like to have to cope with dementia. So many people like to think it’s just a case of a nice old thing gently getting a bit more forgetful - and I will admit that dh and I were equally blithely clueless when we first took FiL to live with us.

I 100% agree. Anybody who swears they will never let their parent go into a home has no idea what they could be letting themselves in for.

Yes I agree with this. There comes a point where 24 hour care is a necessity and most families can only achieve this in a care home.
Ignore anyone who says they’d never put their mother in a care home. They don’t understand.
When you reach this stage it’s all about meeting the person’s needs. So sorry for you, it’s a hideous disease.