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Original poster

What does a widow do about her wedding ring?

49 replies

CheckedPJ · 27/11/2022 16:00

Dh died 18 months ago. I'm still wearing my ring.

I'm doing OK, have developed a good circle of friends (mostly single, our couole friends mostly disappeared) and a busy social life.

There's no one I'm especially interested in and I'm not at all sure I'm ready, but even a casual fling isn't going to happen while I'm wearing my ring.

I chatted with a good male (married) friend about it and he reckons the reason I have a number of single male friends (as part of the group) is because they're all circling and biding their time. Atm the ring "protects" me, apparently and they're all being respectful waiting for my signal!

Taking it off seems like a big statement and I don't want to change the dynamic with any of these friends, who have been really good to me at a difficult time, but otoh I don't want to be wearing this barrier to something good happening, should that come along.

It doesn't help that the ring has been on my finger for 30 years and will need cutting off, so it's not as simple as taking it off temporarily or wearing it on the other hand.

OP posts:
Suzi888 · 27/11/2022 16:07

The thought of being circled by men would make me keep that ring on forever! I’m surprised men would even notice jewellery.

However, if your single and ready to mingle go and get it cut off, you could have it soldered and wear it around your neck or simply box it and place in a memory box.

luckylavender · 27/11/2022 16:08

Sorry for your loss. Until you said it would need to be cut off I was going to suggest wearing it on the other hand.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 27/11/2022 16:08

To keep wearing it once it's been cut-off is going to need some kind of repair anyway.

If you're not ready to stop wearing it altogether, maybe on a chain round your neck instead.

Or change it to your other hand, as you say. That's how I wore my mum's from my dad (many years after she'd been widowed and remarried).

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Watchthesunrise · 27/11/2022 16:12

Men don't really notice jewellery. They have been known to circle, though.

Move22 · 27/11/2022 16:15

Don’t get it cut off! There’s a trick using thread look it up on you tube the thread somehow is wound around the finger and loosens the ring, though I recall it’s a bit painful.

Original poster
CheckedPJ · 27/11/2022 16:16

Suzi888 · 27/11/2022 16:07

The thought of being circled by men would make me keep that ring on forever! I’m surprised men would even notice jewellery.

However, if your single and ready to mingle go and get it cut off, you could have it soldered and wear it around your neck or simply box it and place in a memory box.

Me too, but marred friend assures me it's the first thing any man will look for if he's interested. He is very in touch with his feminine side, so maybe different to other men, but he assures me it's the case.

This is a very long term platonic friendship and one of my closest friends, whoni trust to be honest with me.

OP posts:
NoNameNowAgain · 27/11/2022 16:17

Do you want to stop wearing it? I don’t think it would stop anyone who knows you’re a widow.

Roselilly36 · 27/11/2022 16:17

So sorry for your loss OP, very personal decision.

Do whatever is right for you, not right or wrong. Good luck.

PermanentTemporary · 27/11/2022 16:22

I took mine off when I didn't feel married any more. It suddenly looked wrong on my hand - very odd feeling.

In my case it was very soon after Dh's death - so soon I was worried what people would say. Of course nobody said anything. They may have noticed.

Yes imo men notice. Engagement and wedding rings are not just jewellery but in a way they are signs of possession- that's why there is a feminist argument against them (I'm a feminist but have always worn them). I don't think your friends will necessarily change their behaviour but yes I think they will notice.

Whatevergetsyouthroughthenight · 27/11/2022 16:22

Sorry for your loss OP.

I don’t wear mine (I am a widow) and also can’t anyway as arthritis means it won’t fit anymore (that makes me sound ancient but I am mid 50s so I suspect a similar age to the OP).

There have been a couple of men who I suspected might be circling, I did the same as before I was married and made it clear by my language/actions/body language that I wasn’t interested so no one had to be embarrassed by a rejection.

JamJarJane · 27/11/2022 16:28

It is completely your choice and there is no right or wrong. I took mine off six months after I was widowed. I was in my thirties, but no men were circling and it wasn't a signal to anyone. It was because I no longer 'felt' married and wearing it became an unpleasant reminder of what I no longer had. Years later I had it remade into a new style of ring and I do wear it sometimes, but on another finger. I plan to pass it to DD eventually. Whatever you do, do it because you want to. Circling men are irrelevant really. If you like one of them, let them know. If not, you don't need a ring to send signals for you. The ring makes little difference, in my opinion.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 27/11/2022 16:35

DM is still wearing hers 29 years after DDad died.

MorrisZapp · 27/11/2022 16:35

The circling thing has been borne out throughout history. I have a widowed friend who pretty much has to carry a big stick.

I think the ring part is deeply personal. I'd be surprised if your suitors were aware of the significance of rings, but it doesn't really matter what they think.

How would you feel if one of them did state their interest? Do any of them appeal or are you not in that mindset at all?

My widowed friend is religious and says she won't marry again, but she has been intimate with an old friend. It's just how you feel isn't it.

Original poster
CheckedPJ · 27/11/2022 16:43

There are a couple I wouldn't say no to a date with (maybe not just yet, but perfectly nice attractive men) if I met them in any other circumstances, but I'm wary of ruining the dynamic of the group, which has really helped me.

OP posts:
milawops · 27/11/2022 16:44

A friend of mine took hers off after a year and wears it on a chain around her neck. My Nan lived 38 years after we lost my grandad and never took hers off. I think it's a case of of/when you're ready.

2bazookas · 27/11/2022 16:46

Just let it be known " My wedding ring is stuck so I'll probably never take it off, even if I find another partner or remarry".

The friend who told you about the circling men can pass it on.

PermanentTemporary · 27/11/2022 16:48

I personally would look further afield as and when you are considering dating - I got in touch with men in the next city rather than my own neighbourhood. The dynamics post widowhood can be very odd.

BerthafromBolton · 27/11/2022 16:48

my husband died 10 years ago - I can’t imagine taking my wedding ring off - I would hate to look at my hand and it had gone - not that I am looking but I just assumed if I married again - I’d wear both!!

Champagneforeveryone · 27/11/2022 16:49

DM had hers made into a necklace with a heart shaped stone in the middle. It's very pretty and much nicer than I described it!

Now I come to think of it, she took her ring off very soon after DSDads death.

Warmwesterly · 27/11/2022 16:50

At about two years I decided to change mine to the other hand and persuaded it to come off by plunging my hand into very cold water and then greasing it with oil.

It stayed on my right hand with my engagement ring for a while longer and now it lives in my bedside cabinet. I still wear my Engagement ring on my right hand as and when I feel like it.

Warmwesterly · 27/11/2022 16:52

Should add, enjoy whatever love comes your way. We live short lives and I am sure your DH would want you to be happy again !!

saraclara · 27/11/2022 17:11

I still wear mine, 12 years on. It has never occurred to me to take it off. I'm not sure why I would. I'm either looking for nor wanting another relationship though.

The idea of single male friends circling me gives me the creeps. Ugh.

VikingLady · 27/11/2022 17:15

After my dad died, mum only took her ring off when she started seriously dating again. For her that was a couple of years, but for you it could be less, more or never - all absolutely fine.

She wore the ring partly because she still felt a bit married (her words), because she wasn't ready to move on and put him firmly in her past, and as a visible sign that she wasn't ready to date.

WunWun · 27/11/2022 17:21

I think your friend is talking absolute nonsense. If they really are circling (🤢) then I'm sure they know you're a widow? Unless you happen to be being circled by a particularly and unusually sensitive, tactful and thoughtful group of men... Which seems odd to me.

I've been single for three years and the only single guys I've ever come across are only dating sexual deviants. I don't even know someone who knows a man who is single, let alone a sensitive caring one who would hold back because of a piece of jewellery!

WakingUpDistress · 27/11/2022 17:28

I would take the ring off and have it fitted properly. Like I would do with my (very much alive) DH. I tend to see that more as a safety issue iyswim.
i would make it clear to people too that this is what you are doing.

Then see how you feel with the ring off. Does it feel right? Would you like to still wear it? Whether it’s like it is now, the tiger hand, on a chain.

Take your time. But having it enlarged will help you have more choice than just I either on or not p.

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