What does a widow do about her wedding ring?

[CheckedPJ]

Dh died 18 months ago. I'm still wearing my ring.

I'm doing OK, have developed a good circle of friends (mostly single, our couole friends mostly disappeared) and a busy social life.

There's no one I'm especially interested in and I'm not at all sure I'm ready, but even a casual fling isn't going to happen while I'm wearing my ring.

I chatted with a good male (married) friend about it and he reckons the reason I have a number of single male friends (as part of the group) is because they're all circling and biding their time. Atm the ring "protects" me, apparently and they're all being respectful waiting for my signal!

Taking it off seems like a big statement and I don't want to change the dynamic with any of these friends, who have been really good to me at a difficult time, but otoh I don't want to be wearing this barrier to something good happening, should that come along.

It doesn't help that the ring has been on my finger for 30 years and will need cutting off, so it's not as simple as taking it off temporarily or wearing it on the other hand.

Well I don't know, but there are at least three in my friendship group who seem perfectly normal to me. They've had relationships and are currently single. It seems a very depressing view to assume that any single man must be deviant.

I'm not sure if they're interested in me or not, but I know they treat the women they are interested in well and it doesn't seem odd that they'd wait until some signal from me that it's OK.

Yes, two years of online dating has been very depressing. I'm sure there are a couple of nice men out there somewhere but they're certainly not on dating apps 😂 And sexual deviants is probably an exaggeration for some of the men I've encountered, but it's certainly fair to say that most older men out of a long term relationship aren't ever looking to settle down again.

DH is currently undergoing intensive cancer treatment after a return of his cancer and I've been having a lot of the normal morbid thoughts.
I've already decided his and my ring would be joined together and I would wear them as a pendant on a thin chain.
I hope it won't come to this, but the mind wanders to all kinds of places and that's one of the things I've decided.

That's fine by me. I can't see me ever living with a man again, for all the sadness, I'm quite enjoying living alone, but that doesn't mean I want to be celebate forever

It's hard, really hard. I hope things come good for you.

I still wear mine nearly 6 years after dh died. I don't want to take it off and I figure that in the unlikely event anyone should be interested in me, or me them, a conversation could be had explaining my circumstances.

It's all about how you feel. I mean would you feel bare without your ring? Do you feel wearing your ring is impeding your recovery? Is it a barrier to a new relationship?

My mother wore hers always after she was widowed. But she said she would never remarry - and she didn't.

@whataboutary I'm sorry to hear about your dh. You aren't there yet but if you do sadly get to the situation where your dh dies you might want to do what I did. I cut a bit of his hair off just after he died and then a few weeks later I had a silver ring made. When the silver in the ring was molten I asked that some of his hair be stirred into it.

When she was ready, my friend had her engagement and wedding ring melted down and made into rings for the children with stones reset.

I agree with this.

Having a ring stuck on isn't very safe - if you ever injure that finger so it swells you won't be able to the ring off in time.

Agree with the poster above who said to ignore the immediate circle circling - far too claustrophobic.

I'm a widow, I'm still wearing my ring and also my DHs ring. I think I shall wear them forever. I can't imagine that I will remarry so the need to remove them won't arise. All of my friends and acquaintances know I am widowed, I don't think that the ring would make any difference.

I have a married friend who reacts to any jewellery, and so has never worn her wedding ring. She said that men always notice, but not women. So perhaps your friend is right.
Although the “circling” could be a bit insulting to your male friends, I think it is possible to have good friends of the opposite sex.

@Mortifive that's a beautiful idea. Thank you for sharing x

Gosh, that sounds like you are really Stuck. Those men circling around sound like a bunch of wallabies to me. I would just forget all about it. Do whatever in life you want to do. That's what I do, and no harm has ever come of it. It sounds like a jolly nice ring, you can wear whatever you want to in this day and age. Lots of people with open marriages wear their wedding rings with pride, people who have been married lots of times wear all their rings. Anything Goes, so long as you are not putting anyone else out. Apols if I have spoken out of turn, I just read the top bit and not all the rest. I am terrible for going on and on, my family are Stuck with me, talking over them....not listening to them....changing the subject.... being annoying...leaving tea, Bags, all over the place...and whispering to myself "remember, cabin baggage only is as low as three hundred and fifty quid, be nice to her, please!!!" while trying to train myself to be nice as possible to my sis-in-law so I can get free accommodation somewhere actually warm in February half term 22...or it might be 23....I very much enjoyed the Twitter report on the BBC News last night about how helpful it is to middle aged women who are divorced, widowed, or single, or running their own business...back to the door ring thing...I have absolutely no idea how they work...if you haven't already OP please post a photo of your ring I'm sure it's lovely...I'm truly sorry if I am rambling a bit, and may I say how much I like Mumsnet 💜

My dad has said he won't be taking his off, but I don't think he would ever have another relationship (he's 71 and they were together 50 years)
I wear my mum's engagement ring, dad gave it to me

A combination of the thread trick & soap did mine.
I wear it on my right hand now.

You are very welcome - I have pm'd you. Hope that's ok.

My grandmother met and married husband number 2 whilst still wearing her wedding ring. She only took it off when he gave her a new one and then only to swap it onto another finger. My mum is still wearing hers (widowed 4 years ago). Hasn't stopped her being asked out. Based on that I'm not convinced it's quite the barrier he thinks it is. Do what feels right to you.

Fwiw, it's my knuckles that have swollen. The ring is still quite loose on my finger, but won't go over the knuckle iyswim.

My husband died nearly 19 years ago.
For a time I wore my wedding ring and then, suddenly, after 2 years I took it off.
I still wear it when I need to be "official".
My MIL was also widowed, she had her wedding ring and her husband's ring split in a V shape with a stone joining them.
My mother, who had been married to my father for 60 years, wore hers until she died.
Horses for courses, what you want to do and what feels good for you. I do not believe there is any formal etiquette these days. In time gone by, you would have moved the ring to your right hand.

Yes, I think this is why I've been thinking about the ring. If it's "protecting" me from friends that may be a good thing, but I'm thinking all the traditional ways to meet someone, in a bar, at a shared hobby, evening class etc, won't work if men really do notice and a oid women with rings.

People I know obviously know my situation, but atm I prefer to keep them at arms length and not upset the dynamic of the group, but others...

My DMG was buried with her rings, which I always felt was a last act of spite to her daughters

There's no right answer. Do what feels right for you. My gran lost her husband when she was 40. She wore her wedding ring til the day she died and never dated anyone else. We buried her with it because she had had it on for 45ish years.

I'm sorry for your loss.