Make him get up every time, accept it, or get rid?

[tenderstembroccolispear]

Since Mr Broccoli has been working from home (last two years roughly) he's been staying up later and getting up later. I have to leave the house at 6.30am to get to work, and usually get home around 5.30/6pm.

About a year ago, there was one day I got home and he was still in bed, and he stayed in bed until I got up for work the next morning. I checked on him and he wasn't ill, he just said he wanted to stay in bed and was grumpy that I had woken him up.

Since then, he's had a few more times when he's slept through like this, sometimes spending a whole 24 hours or more in bed. It's becoming more frequent and he's done it once a week since October.

I haven't been waking him up since the first time. I HAVE told him that I really hate it when he does it, because I end up unexpectedly on my own all night, plans get spoiled, etc. He just kind of shrugs it off.

What would you do? Wake him up every time? Or just shrug and enjoy an evening on your own? Or think 'fuck that' and end things?

So does he actually work when he's working from home?

Unless he's ill is expect him to get up. I must admit though if I'm not intending to go out I have spent the day in pyjamas and dressing ground.

I would hate this too, it must get lonely. Maybe he needs to get checked out by the GP? I think you need to be really honest with him about how it makes you feel and ask him to consider whether he wants to be with you or not. If he cares about you he will at least try and change his behaviour. If he’s not willing to try then bye.

Yes, he does work but it's task-based rather than a set number of hours, and he's a fast worker. So he can usually get his work done in 3 or 4 days of 5 hour 'shifts'.

Can he go back to the office, if only for 3 days a week? Sounds as if he might be better with the routine of having to get up and go out at a set time.

Sounds like he may be depressed 😔

He's not depressed is he, working from home can be a bit isolating. Does he have friends/hobbies/things to do other than work. At least in the office he'd have others to talk to.

Fine line between depression and twatism ime.. Is he contributing to household chores?

Yes, he is depressed, but has been taking ADs for around 5 years so it's not a new thing. Maybe being at home is making it worse? Now I'm worried that I'm being too harsh on him.

I was going to say this. I've battled periods of depression that would result in not getting up and out of bed for a few days 😕

Household chores are fairly unbalanced, to be honest. He will run the hoover around once a week because I make him. He empties the bins, and does the dishes probably 2/ 3 times a week.

As well as depression, has he had blood tests? When I have an iron or vitamin deficiency I can easily sleep that much. Also if he has any mobility or chronic pain issues, they can easily drain you and leave you having to catch up on sleep.

I wouldn't mind having some nights on my own. I would only wake him if we had important plans eg if we'd said we might watch a film together on the couch - I wouldn't wake him for that. If we'd said we were going out for dinner - I would wake him. But I'd have a chat about those expectations first.

That kind of fatigue obviously isn’t normal. I’d honestly be concerned that he was either depressed or ill. Have you asked him this/has he been defensive when you asked? I think he should speak to his gp. I can totally understand how lonely and crap it must feel for you. If it were me I would need to know that he was getting help and didn’t want to live like that forever. But I would actually be very worried about him.

I'd insist on a full MOT with the GP but it's ok to leave, even if he is ill or depressed.

Is he actually asleep or just laying in bed?
If he’s asleep that could be iron deficiency. If he’s awake he’s a lazy fucker.

Sorry, started writing then got distracted by dd before posting. See now he has a history of depression. He should def go back to the GP and review his meds. They can also do blood tests to rule out other factors but it sounds like his meds are no longer enough and he might want to change his dose or consider other meds and treatment options.

I assume you don't have kids?!

I would leave him, pronto.

He is not your problem to fix.

If he is sleeping that much I’d be thinking

• depression
• illness such as hypothyroid
• covid (as in LC)
• any other energy based illness (iron deficiency, low vit D etc….)

He needs to see his GP first and foremost. What the GP will find will determine if he is ill or simply a twat.

Sounds like a bigger episode of depression. AD medication cannot be taken indefinitely at the same dose and loses its effect over time. It should be supplemented with talking therapies and physical exercise, social activities etc. Working from home can be very detrimental to people with depression. Read Johann Hari's book on depression its very accessible and well written.

If you’re working more hours AND doing majority of the chores then no, that’s not acceptable. He needs to do 50/50 or maybe more as it seems like you’re working much longer hours?

So he does 15-20 hours a week based on what you said, and you do 5 x 11hr ish days?! So 55hours a week AND most of the chores? Fuck that. His a selfish twat.

If he’s working then let him get in with it and you carry on making plans to go out with or without him.

Are you saying once a week he goes to bed at say, 3am on Monday night/Tuesday morning, and is still there when you leave for work at 6.30am on Wednesday?
I think he needs to go see a GP.

I would tell him he needs to see a GP because this can't carry on.

That is unacceptable. And that you live with someone but are now regularly alone in the evening. Thats nit the deal.

You gave leaving as an option so you are clearly very unhappy and are considering it.

he would be a useless father and so a lack of support, if you were considering children.

I dont mind an evening alone, so it wouldn’t bother me. Is he gaming or watching TV on his phone? I wouldn’t wake an adult up as it’s his choice but he should do more around the house. You’re not his mum.

Several pp have mentioned vitamin D deficiency which can cause depression and fatigue. Lots of pointers to this if he is working from home, not going out very much, staying in bed for prolonged periods of time - vicious circle, especially in winter.