Went on a first date last night…

[Us3r112]

I thought it went really well. The conversation flowed, we were together for about 3.5 hours. When we said goodbye he said that he would see me later on in the week (implying that we would go on a second date). We hugged, he kissed me on the cheek. I was happy.

Texted him when I got home, thanking him for a nice evening. He responded but said nothing about the evening. Heard nothing from him today (I had sent the last message last night). Had this gut feeling he had gone off me. At 6pm today he sends me a text saying it was nice to meet me, I am really nice but he doesn’t see it going anywhere and doesn’t want to waste my time.

It was my first date from an online app in years. I just feel a bit gutted! I know he could have rejected me after 2nd, 3rd date etc - and yes of course I’ll move on, it’s not a big deal - but why do I care?! He really did seem like he wanted to see me again, and did a complete 360 when he got home.

I need thicker skin for this online dating world I think 😞

I'm sorry OP, it's never nice to be on the receiving end of that sort of text. But he was polite and mature about it, you had a nice time, just wish him all the best and move onwards and upwards.

When dating you'll meet people who aren't your type and people who decide you're not for them. That's literally what dating is for, to meet different people until you find one which clicks. It's not personal to you, just like if you reject someone it's not personal to them. It's a disappointment of course if you liked them to find out they didn't have as good a time, but unfortunately disappointment is almost inevitable unless you get very lucky.

I hope you have better luck next time.

I don’t think it matters who texts who either you like someone and want to see them again or you don’t

he probably enjoyed the evening but for him that was enough. I’m sure op you have been in that situation just at times you meet someone and they are nice but it’s nothing more

there are plenty of men who are not so polite I’m glad he wasn’t one of them

and yes you do need a thick skin when on line dating

My male friend who is divorced is on line dating, he’d behave like this guy, he’d stay, chat and have a few drinks, be polite, nit think anything of it, he’d not be counting the hours or drinks like it meant something, and even if he knew immediately he didn’t want to see them again romantically , he’d not leave after one drink to go back to an empty house. I think he’d perceive it as rude to cut it short if the other person made an effort.

He’s likely also daft enough to try to fudge the next date by saying see you later in the week if he thought she had an expectation, but not try to kiss her or make a move or suggest an actual date.

my male neighbour is the same. I saw him recently at our local bar, on a date. I could see them as they were directly next to our table, I could see she was almost giddy with excitement , all fast talking laughing hand gestures, she had made an huge effort in her attire, and he was being politey smiley and not feeling it. He still stayed for a few drinks and had something to eat. I dunno maybe he should have not done so and just left. It’s hard to do though. Face to face. A lot of folks think they need to see the date through.

so I can easily see how two people can view the same event very differently.

The Date zero is great advice.

It doesn't matter what the chat was before, as by being on an App you are signalling that you are open to something.

Date zero is the same as bumping into them in a bar but with a little more intent.

I also think the fact he didn't ghost is a plus. No hanging on, staring at your phone.

NEVER get too invested in the pre meet up chat.

I, after several mistakes, learnt the same as PP. Coffee only, practically business like and I only ever text first if I was telling them politely that I wasn't interested ( on the way home)

This is right I think. He wasn't a twat. I am often the same on dates - I have a nice time, but I know either then or after a bit of reflection the next morning that there won't be a date 2. It's easier to send the "thanks but no thanks" text the next day rather than say it face to face.

You need to change your mindset - have no expectations about the first date, try to keep it short - don't invest too much time or money and see how it goes. It's not personal! Not everyone is going to fancy you, no matter how much of a catch you are.

OP I think that was a nice experience! It was a fun evening, and the guy was totally upfront and honest in a good way. Clearly you are great company as even though he may not have felt a romantic attraction, he must've really thought you had a great personality to stay for hours. He also didn't want to waste your valuable time or ghost you which was respectful. Make sure you always take away positives when they are there.

I'd give it time to reflect on your own feelings of self worth as while it is disappointing if you like someone and they don't like you back, it never means that you aren't gorgeous - just not their type, and that's ok. Gisele and Tom Brady just divorced - proving you could be a squillionaire and physical perfection itself but sometimes people just aren't compatible - doesn't make you or anyone any less gorgeous! Definitely to carry on online dating (where you might meet your lifelong love), you do need to reflect on this stuff else it can just feel like too many rejections (when really it's sifting through the pile of potentials necessarily to get to the one that you genuinely match with).

I also think it’s better to get a text the next day saying no thanks than to leave after one drink or say it to their face. That’s hard for both folks. See the date through, don’t try and make any sexual advances, say no thanks politely the next day. The whole see you in the week thing is the only bit he got wrong but maybe he felt like it was expected of him or something and he had to say something.

You just have to think of the first date as a random night out over staying in and watching TV - though I am now a fan of the coffee meet up, or date zero which is a great term. Just makes life easier and saves either expectations being raised, and the all round hassle of getting ready, going, and being bored but not rude enough to leave, or worse. I’m old and cynical though and haven’t bothered with even date zero for a good long while!
Saying that many moons ago when online dating was a tad less in the gutter, I did have the very best first date I’d ever had with one guy, we had a great time and both keen to see each other again. Second, third date just weren’t the same, and we weren’t a match so that was a real disappointment at the time, though now I do have a great memory I guess!
Online dating needs to be an investment of time rather than emotions until you meet someone where it starts to progress. It’s a bit of a learning curve to get to that point but none of it is personal at this stage.
I think we feel a bit daft if we want to see them again and then realise they don’t, but do remember that when it’s the other way round we are not sitting thinking how awful the date or person was but only that we didn’t click. It’s really not about you or them individually as people but about whether you could potentially be a couple.
Best of luck with it all.

It sounds like he enjoyed your company & date but not romantically. Good on him for the honesty.

Good luck on future dates. I found short bursts of booking in a bunch of dates worked best. A numbers game!

Honestly, don't overthink things. What you've experienced is very normal for online dating. I did quite a bit of it three years ago for the first time ever (met my wonderful partner on it though, and love him to bits, so keep persevering!). I had dates with half a dozen chaps, and not one said on the actual date that they'd like to see me again - that all happened in the text later or the next day. My best friend is now in the same position, she's invested hours exchanging texts with guys and felt there was 'a bond', met them and had a great date - chat flowing, laughter etc., thought there'd be a second date ..... and the bloke has cooled off rapidly! She's lovely, and the man who wins her will be a lucky chap, but I guess not everyone is looking for the same thing. On the whole, it's hard to tell someone face to face that they just don't tick your box - texting is a little cowardly, but oh so much easier. My friend has felt the same as you, a bit hurt, and left wondering 'Is it me, what am I doing wrong?' It's not you, you just haven't met the one that's right for you. Don't change a thing, you'll find him .... but you might have to kiss a few frogs first!
Good luck, I hope 2023 is the year you find your soul mate x

He is a slime bag for being honest? Would she be a slime bag if it had been here saying ‘you are very nice but I don’t think it will work out’ or something similar?