Went on a first date last night…

[Us3r112]

I thought it went really well. The conversation flowed, we were together for about 3.5 hours. When we said goodbye he said that he would see me later on in the week (implying that we would go on a second date). We hugged, he kissed me on the cheek. I was happy.

Texted him when I got home, thanking him for a nice evening. He responded but said nothing about the evening. Heard nothing from him today (I had sent the last message last night). Had this gut feeling he had gone off me. At 6pm today he sends me a text saying it was nice to meet me, I am really nice but he doesn’t see it going anywhere and doesn’t want to waste my time.

It was my first date from an online app in years. I just feel a bit gutted! I know he could have rejected me after 2nd, 3rd date etc - and yes of course I’ll move on, it’s not a big deal - but why do I care?! He really did seem like he wanted to see me again, and did a complete 360 when he got home.

I need thicker skin for this online dating world I think 😞

Or he’s got a wife because he wasn’t interested? 🤦🏻

Yeah I wouldn’t text first. I also never stayed 3 hours on a first date. Read the rules. Old fashioned but they work. Got me through dating post divorce unscathed and actually with some fun. I met my new husband very quickly as well.

You don’t know and you’ll never know his real reasons. Chances are you’re going to have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince so don’t dwell too much. His loss, onto the next one. Maybe try and line a few dates up at once so you aren’t pinning all your hopes on one person.

Blimey the poor guy can't anything right!!

He paid for all the drinks, OP had an interesting and good evening. He kissed her on the cheek, no sexual lunging.

He made vague noises about meeting in the week, and instead of just ghosting the OP, he very politely and bravely said "thanks but no thanks"

Now all of a sudden he has a wife or many dates on the go. Poor bloke. He just didn't fancy the OP, he enjoyed her company, hence the 3 hours but just did not fancy her.

He did absolutely nothing wrong.

I went on a first date last week.

He was a nice guy but the spark wasn’t quite there for me. I think I knew that at the time but needed to properly process my thoughts and couldnt do that in the moment, so at the time when he mentioned a second date I made positive noises.

I thought it through on my way home/ afterwards and decided my heart wasn’t really in it, so when he messaged later that day, I was honest and just said I’d had fun and that he was lovely but that I didn’t see a second date on the cards.

I think it’s ok to need a bit of thinking time and/or not feel comfortable letting someone you’ve literally just met down in person. So I don’t think he did anything wrong, bit I don’t think you did either.

Hope the next date goes better :)

Well yes @Slig but this is Mumsnet so…….

Women have to kiss a lot of frogs before they find their Prince.

Men have to kiss a lot of frogesses (?!) before they find their Princess.

@ForestLilac I do agree with you… but in this situation, not saying there was chemistry or anything but he genuinely appeared to be having a nice time and stayed out for 3.5 hours with me. Unless I am completely deluded!

Yes, he could have said he wasn’t interested after the second date, or I could have told him I wasn’t interested. But, there was never any indication from him that he wouldn’t want a second date. In fact, I thought the opposite….

Anyway, it is what it is.

He liked you but just didn't fancy you, was polite and nice and didn't try to just get sex or treat you rudely/ diminish your worth as a person just because you weren't going to be 'soulmates'. I think he behaved well.

Hey @Us3r112 I've got a date tomorrow! Let's see if I listen to my own advice if I like him and he doesn't like me!

That would be 2 in a row!

@Slig enjoy your date tonight. Hope he likes you back!

I don’t agree with the ‘not texting first’ thing. Don’t play games. It’s a perfectly normal and polite thing to text someone and thank them for a nice evening.

I text DH after our first date saying I’d had a nice evening. He often says that he really liked that because I was the first woman he’d gone out with who hadn’t messed about playing games. I wasn’t over keen, asking to see him again, just said thanks for a nice time and hope he got home ok. I’d do the same for a friend I’d been to dinner with.

This ⬆️⬆️⬆️

What is wrong with people on here? The guy did nothing wrong! He was polite, paid for 75% of the date, and maturely told the OP that he saw no future. I honestly can't believe some of the nastiness on here...he's NOT a 'twat' because he didn't fancy the OP ffs!! There are a lot of twats in the world, but being respectful, not fancying someone, politely saying you see no future, and paying for the date does NOT qualify you as one 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

Jesus! 🤦‍♀️

Agree. He’s not a twat, a slimeball, married or any of the other various insults people have thrown about here. He just didn’t fancy the op. The undefinable and intangible ‘chemistry’ wasn’t there for him. He was polite to her in person, avoided an excruciatingly embarrassing in-person rejection and politely texted to say he didn’t want to meet again. He didn’t use her for sex and he didn’t ghost her. He’s behaved well here.

Just me that thinks he was quite polite for a first date? He didn't want to offend you by turning you down face to face and he sent you a polite text to say thanks but no thanks. Online dating is vicious I've found, lots of ghosting and stringing along so all in all, I think he was quite nice about it. Move on to the next, they'll be plenty out there.

So people can’t go on a date and then decide the person is nice, but not what they’re looking for and can’t see it developing more than friends? He’s not done anything wrong, hasn’t strung her along and sent a nice ‘thanks, but no thanks’ text. Neither person owes anyone anything on a date, I cannot see how the man is ‘slimy’.

Ugh. Sorry OP, yep you need a very thick skin for OLD!

Things I learned in several years of it;

• A simple 'thanks for a nice evening' text after a date is fine; only an absolute weirdo would be put off by that, and you don't want an absolute weirdo anyway.

• As sad as it is, the guys (like this one) who actually bother to be polite and say 'sorry, it's not for me' are the ones to be commended, they're much better than the men who just ghost.

• Don't waste too much time chatting first, it breeds a false sense of intimacy. Match, chat for a day or two, meet.

• Have an open mind, but know where your boundaries are and stick firmly to them.

• Don't let others behaviour change yours. No matter what poor behaviour is normalised through repetition, you don't have to sink to the same level (ie: ghosting, being rude in communication, etc).

Good Luck OP.

No one did anything wrong here. You weren't wrong to text. He wasn't wrong to let you down gently.

Honestly op this sounds like a good experience as far as online dating goes. Most are much, much worse. Depressing, I know.

Huh? How is he a slimeball? He was honest and upfront that he didn't want to see her again. Better that than shagging her then ghosting her.

The number one rule of internet dating is not to take things personally. You don't know this person, and despite having spent an evening with him he's still a stranger.

Maybe he's not over a previous relationship
Maybe you reminded him a bit of his ex
Maybe he just loves first dates
Maybe on the way home his childhood sweetheart messaged him and asked him out
Maybe he wants to take it further but is worried about some aspect of intimacy

You don't know and you will never know. Don't take it personally and don't internalise it. He wasn't the one!

You had a nice time, he was polite about not seeing you again (lots of people would just block and move on at that point instead of sending a nice message).

I treat every first date as date zero, just a chance to meet a new person. No sex (unless I'm genuinely feeling like a one night stand) no kissing no romance. Just a meeting. Then you can see how they are afterwards.

And absolute nonsense about not texting first. Unless you are looking for a 1950s husband in which case use 'the Rules'.

thanks @Besttobe8001.

v useful advice. I just struggle so much with not taking things personally. I am a sensitive soul!

I was quite interested in the twat list. 😂

men of 2022 are twats there’s nothing wrong it’s all him

He was a nice man, you enjoyed each other's company but for some reason he could forsee or feel that it wasn't quite right for him longer term. That might've been to do with his circs or some incompatibility. It doesn't indicate anything wrong with you.

As you date more men, that will happen on your side too. You'll meet someone attractive, interesting, good company- who you'd happily introduce to a friend or while away a few hours chatting to, but who just isn't quite the one for you.

It's kind if automatic at the end of a date, unless it was palpably a bad match, to make vague noises about doing it again. A lot of the time it will just get left there.

This man treated you with respect and politeness so you're obviously not picking badly. Just don't invest too much in the early stages.

I’m sure he did have a lovely time, but it seems he didn’t have that connection that makes you want to date someone, and that’s ok. The see you later thing tells me he didn’t want to hurt your feelings and could see you were big into it, if he was into it he’d have asked to see you Friday or sat or whatever. He didn’t. Maybe try to be less enthusiastic next time and take it easier.