Your relationship with your mother - what’s it like?

[Notsomuchmotherlylove]

I think there is something very wrong with mine and would love to hear what sort of a relationship other people have with their mums.

For context, I see my mother every Sunday, we go out for a coffee and walk round the shops. We don’t talk about anything meaningful to me. She never asks how I am, how’s work, my dc (her grandchildren) or anything really. She does moan about her life, her relationship and her job.

She is easily upset by anything. I’ve never known anyone who cries so easily if I dare to disagree or challenge her. One example, she kept on and on and on at me for Christmas ideas for my dc. As she’s already bought my son a huge expensive gift I told her she didn’t need to buy anything else. Cue her crying. I just do what I usually do when she does this, ignore her.

Another example, going on and on about going out for a meal on Boxing Day with her & other relatives. I’ve told her again and again that DH & I are taking the kids to the cinema that day. But she won’t let up and starts crying. She even said she’d text my dc I see if they wanted to go with her!

She seems to love these weekly meetings even though I’ve started dreading them. If I’ve had a bad week at work or an issue with the dc there’s no point trying to talk to her about it. I feel as if I have to put on an act and be a “happy” problem free person for her.

I think our relationship is just that of an acquaintance going for a coffee and talking about the weather. My work colleagues show more interest in me & know more about my life than my own mother.

Shes never been emotional available and I know she won’t change. Is this pretty normal though for some mothers & daughters?

No, not normal. But then I’m not one to talk, I’m currently not in contact with mine.

what would happen if you broke this pattern? Went for a walk on a Tuesday? Invited her to dinner on a Friday? I’m curious as to how she copes with changes of expectations.

There is no such thing as normal, as with any other relationship really. People are so very complex you can’t expect there to be any ‘typical’ relationship between any two people. If the weekly meetings are starting to make you unhappy, take a step back. Adjust your plans to suit your needs and take care to pay attention to how it’s making you feel.

I do wonder if she’s slightly on the autism spectrum as we have to go on the same day at the same time every week. I could never for example suggest doing it on a Friday for example.

I have thought about not meeting her but it’s literally the only contact we have although it leaves me hugely dissatisfied after I’ve seen her.

I would change it up a bit and not do the walk every Sunday and 100 percent ignore the crying

my relationship is strained and I have to keep a distance though chat a few times a week and meet once. I don’t entertain the emotional crying and woe so much ( I often ignore the phone calls )

So what would happen if you INSISTED on a change?

FWIW in women ASD is hugely under diagnosed. But this could also be someone who is fragile and stuck in a mental rut. It’s interesting that you perpetrate it though by going along with it. You have agency over your relationship too.

Yes the crying is awful! I don’t know if it’s genuine or fake. A classic example is she will moan about her job, how it makes her unwell etc etc and I say things like apply for a new job and the tears start falling. Any form of disagreement with her makes her cry!

It does sound odd but then what's normal? I'm currently not on talking terms with my mother, pretty awful argument but prior to that, we were very close, involved and interested. The crying thing is very manipulative, as though she thinks this will bring you round to her way. Just keep sticking to your own plans and don't be swayed.

That’s not a normal response. What’s she like with other people? What do you think she wants you to say?

She seems to want me to listen and agree with everything she says. She has been in a toxic relationship for my entire life and threatened for years to leave, lots of crying etc I used to suggest things like her moving in with me or my sister while she ends the relationship but of course she never left and stays in a miserable dysfunctional relationship. But then spends all her time moaning and crying to me about how bad it is.

There's a book on Adult Children of Emotionally Immature parents. I recommend it - her actions sound very familiar. No, not normal, and so disappointing when you wish you could have a supportive conversation but you know that will only ever go one way.

There’S no such thing as a normal relationship, each to thier own. I have a great relationship with mine, we live with her and tbh I don’t know what I’d do without her. She’s got an amazing relationship with all 3 of us kids. And she’s super super close with my dc. She practically raised them with us.
she sometimes does my head in, stresses me out with certain things but then most relationships have flaws.

Mines great - we have spoken literally one word to each other in the last 11 years (hello, at a family wedding) and no regrets from me! Could you suggest dropping it to every other Sunday OP?

One constructive way to improve things might be to read up on autism and see whether applying some of the advice on relationships with autistic people helps.

My family is full of undiagnosed but probable autism. The talking at you instead of conversation, high levels of anxiety and low confidence, and lack of variety sound familiar. Things I find that help are: direct and factual conversation, not relying on inferences; realising that the transmit-only conversation is based on an expectation that you will do the same, that way information is exchanged both ways; help with emotions issues eg: asking why are you crying? Rather than awkwardly blanking it might get it into perspective for her a bit more.

That's if you want to improve the relationship on her terms (which might be the only option)

Yes good advice to read up on autism. I ignore the crying simply because it happens so often and is totally ridiculous a lot of the time. Last week I suggested she get some counselling as she said she was struggling with her mental health. I said it in a helpful way but she started crying saying and implied I was being nasty to her which I wasn’t!

Not close. Just functional I guess.

I had a very similar relationship with my DM, and after a lot of effort and trying to change things that ultimately didn't work I came to the conclusion that she exhibited a lot of the signs of a vulnerable narcissist. I hate labelling people, I really do but I read a lot about the dynamics of a mother-daughter relationship (where the mother was a vulnerable narcissist) and it fitted and was helpful to me. I am not of the mind that narcissists are all evil either - it is borne of difficult circumstances. I also spoke a lot in counselling about it and I came to the realisation that no matter the diagnosis, things weren't going to change. So I had to set my own boundaries. And as soon as I did that the relationship disintegrated.

It is hard to have a mother like this, it is difficult for some people to understand a mother who never enquires about you, and who makes everything about her, but at the same time she is the one who needs constant support and validation. Whatever the cause, it is something that takes a lot from you.

I know this is an old thread but I wanted to say I feel like I could have written this post. Mine has become more like this with age - she never used to be so uninterested in my life. Now she never asks me questions about work etc. I have been open about my mental health concerns and difficulties but I never get any comments of support or advice, just a kind of shrug and move on. I do wonder if it's an age thing for some people where they just want to have superficial conversations that are "nice" and unchallenging.

I live with my mum, sounds cliche but she’s my best friend.... minus the gritty details of mine and DP sex life... 🙃 we have difference of opinions but like mature adults we rectify it and come to agreements. We both have very similar thinking, personalities, views etc. I sometimes see posts like this and wonder how people get in this positions, my mum has dedicated her life to raising me and my siblings and she wouldn’t have it any other way, we’ve always been put first and if I’d even question putting herself first she almost bites my head off... she says she brought us into this world so she’ll walk with us until the end. I’m not sure tbh what I’d do without her.

WishIWasACavewoman
One constructive way to improve things might be to read up on autism and see whether applying some of the advice on relationships with autistic people helps

No. My Mum is just horrible. Particularly when you won't be a sounding board for her moaning whilst passive aggressively, deliberately showing absolutely no interest whatsoever in your life. ie, you're not important enough.

Not everything can be explained away with armchair diagnosis. & I know autistic people who don't display this kind of behaviour at all.

Probably because they aren't self-centred narcissists.

Cordial

I see mine maybe 2 -3 times a year,
she lives a 20 minutes drive away so distance isn’t an excuse.
i have gone a couple of years with no contact

My relationship with my mum is absolutely great, get on very well and I respect her too
I did give her hell as a teenager lol
sometimes we expect our mums to be super heroes. In reality they are normal people like you and me trying to get on in life.

@Rupertgrintismyguiltypleasure that’s beautiful xx your mum sounds lovely

My mam is a bit full on but I love her to bits and we have a great relationship. We fought like pit bulls when I was a teenager, but now I'm grown we get along very well, never fall out these days. See eachother once or twice a week to walk the dogs or just have a cup of tea and a catch up.

She's mad as a sack of cats, of course, but it's all part of her charm.

We get on well generally. She has a tendancy to be self obsessed and negative which takes some 'management'. But I'm sure she doesn't like all of my characteristics.

I met her yesterday for lunch. Every time she started going on about herself (amazing ability to turn every conversation to herself) or to tell me some depressing story, I just gently steered the conversation to something else. It's a bit wearing and I couldn't do it any more than the once a month or so that I see her . She's a good person though who has had a tough life and none of us are perfect.