Your relationship with your mother - what’s it like?

[Notsomuchmotherlylove]

I think there is something very wrong with mine and would love to hear what sort of a relationship other people have with their mums.

For context, I see my mother every Sunday, we go out for a coffee and walk round the shops. We don’t talk about anything meaningful to me. She never asks how I am, how’s work, my dc (her grandchildren) or anything really. She does moan about her life, her relationship and her job.

She is easily upset by anything. I’ve never known anyone who cries so easily if I dare to disagree or challenge her. One example, she kept on and on and on at me for Christmas ideas for my dc. As she’s already bought my son a huge expensive gift I told her she didn’t need to buy anything else. Cue her crying. I just do what I usually do when she does this, ignore her.

Another example, going on and on about going out for a meal on Boxing Day with her & other relatives. I’ve told her again and again that DH & I are taking the kids to the cinema that day. But she won’t let up and starts crying. She even said she’d text my dc I see if they wanted to go with her!

She seems to love these weekly meetings even though I’ve started dreading them. If I’ve had a bad week at work or an issue with the dc there’s no point trying to talk to her about it. I feel as if I have to put on an act and be a “happy” problem free person for her.

I think our relationship is just that of an acquaintance going for a coffee and talking about the weather. My work colleagues show more interest in me & know more about my life than my own mother.

Shes never been emotional available and I know she won’t change. Is this pretty normal though for some mothers & daughters?

That sounds very difficult. If I were you I'd cut down to every other Sunday to give yourself some space.

My relationship with my mother is similar in that I have to listen to and support her but she k owe nothing about my life, she just assumes that I'm happy.

Your mother is not lively to change so it's about managing the relationship on your own terms as much as you can.

Shes never been emotional available and I know she won’t change. Is this pretty normal though for some mothers & daughters?

Only the dysfunctional ones! She's using you as an emotional dumping ground. An acquaintance wouldn't (or shouldn't!) do that, nobody should. She sounds self obsessed to the extreme and manipulative too. I'm not surprised you dread the visits. You don't have to have them, you know. It's not compulsory to remain in a toxic relationship with anyone.

Also have a toxic mother and see her only a few times a year (for other family member's sake). She's the opposite to yours and wants to know everything, getting stroppy if she isn't given every last scrap of information. We have a strained relationship because I tell her nothing of any consequence so it's reduced to chatting like aquaintences. I don't allow her to lean on me for support any more, I change the subject.

My Mum lives next door so I see her most days. She is very generous with her time, money and will help with anything I ask.
But, she's the most self absorbed person I know and is very hard work at times.
She can talk for England, non stop about nothing and has no interest whatsoever in me, my husband or our lives.

She holds grudges for ever and currently is not speaking to my brother over some perceived slight from a year ago.

She cannot be challenged as she gets on her hind legs immediately.

She can't be trusted not to get hammered on a night out. She has ruined many, so many that my husband refuses to go to out with her now.

I'm very laid back and let a lot of it go over my head. My husband just walks away.

Not my mother, but my sister is a lot like you describe and I have also wondered about autism. However, you can't solve it for her and if it is causing you harm I would lower the contact and try to find other ways to connect with her that feel more constructive. It might sound overly simplistic, but could you find a hobby to do together so that you are staying connected but the focus is on a shared activity and doesn't allow so much space for the draining conversation?

Lots of this is very much like my mother- the tears over nothing, the talking at me about herself constantly, and the extreme defensiveness in the face of even the mildest criticism. I suspect she has both autistic and narcissistic traits. And as others have said, my relationship with her went downhill when I started to be firmer with my boundaries and refuse to get drawn into her victim dramas.

You just have to lower your expectations. People with that level of emotional immaturity don’t have the capacity to change.