I'm unhappy, stuck in a rut, feel lost and lonely

[unhappybutnotsurewhy]

I've no idea where to post this, so feel free to move it as it's hardly appropriate for 'fun and games' section! But wasn't really an AIBU or relationships thing either.

I'm just so unhappy in my life and I'm trying to pinpoint what the main problems are and how to turn it around. This is probably going to just be me tipping my mind out on paper as much for me as to try and get some advice on this.

I'm in my mid thirties, been with my partner since late teens and for the most part we get on well. I don't think the relationship is the lead thing making me unhappy - not sure if it's my life stage, lack of joy/purpose or feeling like there's nothing positive to look forward to. I don't have much motivation or interest in the things that used to make me happy and just sit here in my head worrying and feeling tearful and unsure what to do.

My relationship is long past the passion stage but we have a solid friendship, he's supportive of me, shares all responsibility at home, we have fun together, cuddle on the sofa etc. he's not got much of a sex drive and things are definitely more comfortable than exciting now, but I couldn't imagine my life without him and don't find myself daydreaming about other men.

We don't have children and practically I'm happy with that decision - I have some health issues that give me severe fatigue at time not to mention hellish PMDD that really impacts my quality of life at times. So I just don't think it's something I could manage and probably wouldn't make me any happier. I do feel though that my life is heading in a different direction to a lot of my/our friends and therefore social life and sense of fun is massively affected. I don't think the grass is greener though as a lot of them are unhappy and miss their freedom.

I feel a sense of loneliness and boredom as though my life is just rinse and repeat with no variety or positive change. I WFH the majority of the time which I think plays into it - I have limited social time through work unlike I used to and with the long dark rainy days everything just feels depressing. It's not like I can go into the office more either as it's like a ghost town unless there's a specific workshop to attend.

My job is OK and I don't dislike it, I just miss there being a social element to it and I miss the shakeup to the routine so that I wasn't constantly working and then also relaxing in the same room. My house probably needs work doing to it, I have more clutter than I'd like and I think the environment is also adding to this. But I feel overwhelmed at how to move forwards and have no motivation.

My health obviously plays a huge part too as for weeks at a time I can feel so exhausted and unwell I struggle to function in work and at home. I have friends who I see when I can - some who don't have kids yet, but sometimes it's just sitting around moaning about their lives/partners/money which isn't the best environment when feeling low myself.

I also worry as we all do about the future - finances, job security, whether any of the above will get better and what to do about it. My partner has been there for me and will talk to me about it, I struggle to open up to others eg my parents and friends to admit I'm struggling - I'm quite a private person when it comes to talking about this type of thing.

Does anyone feel similar or has anyone been here before and found a way forwards? Some days are better than others - if I'm distracted by social activities I can be laughing and having fun, then the next day at home I feel low and stuck in this rut and keep crying. I don't want to keep dragging my partner down with this all the time. I can't afford a therapist right now, and I'm not sure if will help if I can't pinpoint the exact source of the problem.

I also feel a lot of guilt. I know people with terminal cancer, disabled children, job and home losses, one even had her newborn baby die at 8 hours old. They're often holding it together better than I am, or are more positive about their lives/future. I've not had any of these kinds of traumatic things happen to me so what right do I have to feel so down and lost. I just feel like there's no way out and no path to being happy again.

Be kind to yourself!

I see a fair amount of putting yourself and your achievements down in this post.
Just because your life isnt going in the same direction as others, doesnt make it dull or boring. Try not to think that way.

Being someone who struggles badly with depression, I understand the "rut" feeling you have, but unfortunately I also know it's only you that can change it
The fact you are reaching out and saying its making you miserable is already your first step into changing it
Is there any family you could socialise with after work? I understand that being around people who dont have a similar life to you can be irritating and unhelpful at times.

Try to set yourself little goals to tackle on regards to clutter, dont tackle too much at once!
Ask your partner for some help?

Here if you want to chat xx

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I guess I feel like on paper I don't have anything drastic to be complaining about so is there something really wrong with me to be feeling this way.

I'm sorry you also struggle with it too. I'm unsure if the rut feeling is depression or just the monotony of life right now and the wider world being in such a shambles. Have you found any tips that can help?

I love my friends, I really do, but my best friend in particular loves to bitch and moan about her partner not pulling his weight and just talks about herself a lot. Sometimes I just want to do things that move us away from focusing on negatives and wallowing in our struggles as I don't think it helps anyone.

I've not got much family around me unfortunately. My mum is great but she works extremely long hours and is more or less caring for my Nan full time on top so I don't want to add to her plate. Not really got any close family members aside from my partners parents. Who again I love to bits and see often but I don't want to worry them with all of this.

My partner has been great lately helping with the house and offers to support me. I feel like I'm letting him down. I'm great at making the plans but executing them is harder. I feel like I get halfway but don't finish things. I've tried the things that a Google search says should help... gratitude journals, positive thinking, mindfulness and meditation, exercising when I have the energy, going for walks, eating healthy.. etc and they may briefly make me feel better but it doesn't last and I just end up back where I am.

I guess I need to make some sort of action plan without overwhelming myself and I don't know where to start if I can't pinpoint what needs fixing.

I hope you are feeling okay.

Sound like you need an activity or hobby that you either do together or on your own.

Travel is also an option if you can afford it.

Chemicals in your brain can make you feel this way. It can also be a symptom for other things.

visiy the gp and get some happy pills, why struggle? It will make things better in 6-8 weeks

Hi OP,

I wanted to respond because your post really resonated with how I was feeling over the last few years. A lot of similarities - mid 30s, with partner for a long time, no kids (and not planning any). I was feeling extremely depressed for a good few years up until a few months ago and everything you mentioned in your post really struck a chord.

A few things that helped me:

• Getting a new job. My job was perfectly fine, but I was so unfulfilled and unchallenged by it. I had also been in it for far too long. It took a long time, but I set my mind to applying for jobs that pushed me out of my comfort zone and I was finally successful. I haven't even started my new role yet, but just knowing that I'll be doing something new in January is so amazing.
• Developing my hobby into a (very small) business. Gives me so much fulfilment.
• After years of resisting them, I went onto ADs for a few months. I'm not sure how much they helped me (or whether it was other factors) but I definitely feel a lot better now, and have recently weaned myself them.

I hope this helps in some way - it's a horrible way to feel.

This is another point. I've been on three international holidays this year. I'm well aware that I'm extremely lucky to be able to do those things - all three not in Europe.

But as soon as I'm home the feeling returns. I can't keep booking a holiday as soon as I feel down - and who knows if that will be sustainable if costs keep rising.

I have zero motivation or energy to do my hobbies so that isn't really working for me - I think I need a mindset shift or to pinpoint the problem.

I'm dubious to mask the problem with SSRI's to be honest. They have heaps of negative side effects and only really mask the problem. I'd like to try and find a way forward without taking drugs that make me numb to the world. No offence of course to those who do and who it works for - but with my medical issues I'm quite sensitive to pharmaceutical drugs and I find they cause me more problems than they solve.

Thank you so much for your post. It was really insightful. I think there is something to be said for the job situation, I enjoy it but don't feel challenged right now - hopefully if I can do something about that it'll give me more sense of purpose.

Hobbies and dedicating more time to them really does make sense. I think my issue is around fatigue and energy making this harder which then means I've got a lot less joy in my day to day life.

I will consider medication if I can't make some positive steps without it, I'm just nervous because my hormones etc are so sensitive, that synthetic things really do cause me no end of problems.

It's possible to spend a lot of time with other people and still be lonely. Have you thought of spending time with your mum helping to look after your nan? You might all benefit.
Reading your post, I was wondering whether you had considered volunteering. Many volunteering opportunities can give you a boost in self-worth, and will likely help you to meet people who are more positive and enriching to your life.
In any event, you need to do something. I'd agree that a visit to the GP might help - if not by antidepressants then maybe social prescribing.
Good luck!

Don’t be too judgy with the medication route. They don’t make you numb to the world, if they do there are lots of different types and you can also lower the dose. There is side affects for the first few weeks. I had dry mouth and sometimes a funny tummy but that was it.

it just restores chemicals in your brain that are missing. If you lacked vitamin C you would take vitamin c pills wouldn’t you?

Give it some more thought, it really will help and make you see clearly

Hi OP I thought I'd throw my twopenneth - do with it what you will!

This is what I hear from your post:

• your partner is lovely, no desire to change this part of your life. Tick!
• your job is ok, doesn't light any passions but you don't dislike it. But it's not very sociable.
• your house needs a bit of work - shelve this for when you are feeling motivated- no need to do anything about this now
• children - you aren't sure you want them at all but if you do then now might be the time

I think you are bored and need to make one big change in your life. I would pick either a new job with more challenges and a good office atmosphere OR try for a baby.

If you read this and have any gut reactions then listen to them!

OP, please feel free to private message me. I could’ve written your post exactly!

Im not sure of your age, but I am 27, feeling like I’m the only one without babies or marriage or a house. I WFH full time as well so have pretty much zero interaction with the outside world as I don’t do a hobby. (I’m not sporty so not sure what I would do)

I also have days where I feel slightly lost and unsure of myself and who I am, what I want so you’re not alone at all. If you’d like someone to chat to, please message! I’m very interested in turning my life around in the New Year

@unhappybutnotsurewhy

I think the last few years has made many of us feel a bit like this, stuck in a weird funk about life and not sure what to look forward to. It's pretty hard to shake off the lockdowns, the fear, the way our life was upended.
I feel like I can't remember what I was like before, and for a while it was just 'get through it', and now that we are pretty much past the worst I'm thinking 'what now? - There is definitely a bit of a hangover happening.

And even now 'the worst' is supposed to be over, there is endless depressing news cycles to contend with. The world is going down the toilet apparently - fan-fucking-tastic!
Plus many of us are still kind of stuck indoors more, WFH, zoom calls, the lure of a new Netflix series, especially now the weather has turned crap .... and as comfortable as that is, it's a bit suffocating after a while. I haven't reconnected with friends as much, nobody want's to do anything really, and when we do meet up it's a bit samey and depressing.

I have other stuff going on in life right now, an elderly parent with dementia who I'm caring for, but even without that I think I would be feeling this way. For the first time, I'm really not looking forward to Christmas, it's too much forced fun or something. Or I can't be arsed.

Really hope next year I can pull myself out of this and feel better. Sorry that wasn't really helpful, but you are not alone.

I would also not be so quick to dismiss anti depressants. They didn’t make me feel numb at all but really got me out of a hole. I didn’t have to take them long as they worked and I felt amazing. When I stopped after a few months I didn’t drop back down and I see it as they gave me a leg up out of a dark place. It makes me sad to think of I hadn’t been open to them I could have been still feeling awful. It would have been a real waste.

OP I know exactly how you feel, it sounds to me like what your experiencing is some form of depression.

I have no useful advice, but wanted to reply if nothing but to say your not alone in how you feel. I have been in and out of these depression cycles throughout my life, but just knowing that it is a cycle that you will come out of sometimes helps. Also don’t be afraid to seek help for your mental health if you need it, it’s not a sign of weakness to ask for help but rather a sign of strength. 💐

How much exercise are you doing OP? I know it can be hard to do it when you're in a slump, but it will 100% make you feel better in so many ways.

Doing things for others can lift our mood.
Could you help your mum to help your nan?
Taking something off her plate would lighten her load.
When we're busy we have less time to mull over stuff!

For the lack of purpose feeling, have you tried volunteering somewhere? I've been stuck in a rut for a long and have recently started volunteering for a charity that does amazing work for women and children. There's such a lovely atmosphere there, and it's very sociable.

What about animals? Do you have a pet? My cats drive me crazy, but our house is a much happier place with them than without them.

Also think about what makes you happy. What are your surroundings like? Could you maybe decorate one or two rooms in your house? Do you go for walks (walking in the woods/forest is supposed to be good for your mental health)?

I literally could or written this post! Almost exact same circs but unfortunately my DH and I don’t have fun. He works a lot and when he’s not at work he just nags me constantly and doesn’t help out at home. I can’t remember the last time we went out together or laughed, it’s depressing really.
I feel completely lost at the minute and I can’t remember when life got so serious. I’ve considered anti-depressants but I have a lot of weight to lost and I’m terrified I’ll gain more if I go on them.

Oh my goodness, if my circumstances weren’t different to yours I would have thought I’d written this without remembering.
I have two children but the rest of it - relationship, job and working from home, state of house, lack of motivation, energy levels - could all be me.
I am about ten years older than you and thought it might be perimenopause kicking in but maybe it’s the state of the nation / post pandemic blues..?

OP, are you in the U.K.? If so, do you know about IAPT? It’s NHS, they offer talking therapy, and there should be one local to you. If you PM me your approximate location I’d be happy to
look it up for you. You can self-refer, and they’ll assess you. It sounds to me like you’ve got a bit of depression. Some CBT could really help.

You are isolated, though some like WFH I think it’s the death of social skills and interactions. I am not working so I volunteer in a Charity shop and am in two hiking groups. I feel so much better to be doing stuff with others is an understatement.

I don’t necessarily think you have actual depression I think it’s complete and utter boredom.

Life has amazing moments, a once in a lifetime holiday level kind of stuff and then other stuff that’s fine and then lots and lots of mundane shit, sounds like your mired down in the Mundane shit bit.

You're young, healthy, (you sound bored rather than clinically depressed), loved by partner/friend and have other friends and if you can afford 3 international holidays this year then you're clearly wealthy. So, you miss your mum's full attention and the ambiguous relationship with the rest of your family. Relying on others isn't working and it's a relief you recognise how much more difficult other people's lives are. You're miserable because you're a classic coward, afraid of being uncomfortable and living a life that demands you wake up and stop sleep walking to your unremarkable easily forgotten grave. It's not too late, at least you know pharmaceuticals are bs, and temporary indulgences are just that. Find a charity you believe in and ask them how you can physically help (don't throw money at them) get properly involved. When people genuinely start respecting you you'll start to respect yourself. It's that simple. I've saved lives and they've saved mine.

Thank you for all the responses on here - some of you really helped me, I'll respond to some posts directly but before I do I just wanted to say a few things I did off the back of some of the advice here that helped me and hopefully it'll help others feeling the same way.

I'm still up and down with how I'm feeling but today is a slightly better day. I think it's definitely some form of depression and of course I shouldn't rule out medication, I'm sure it can do great things and I will absolutely give it a go if I can't work through things naturally.

I picked up a mental health journal at Paperchase which is a guided journal with questions and prompts and I've been working on this whenever I've been feeling 'in my head' and it's helpful. It also gets you to store positive things and lists of what you enjoy so that when you're in a bad place you can refer back to it and hopefully get some ideas to lift you out.

Some of the posts here mentioned doing things for other people - I got my mum a lovely gin advent calendar and a pretty card as a treat and wrapped it up as pretty as I possibly could. It's currently sat waiting on her bed for when she returns from her trip. I've also made nice cards for the family for Christmas, the creativity aspect got me in the zone and out of my head, and as a result they'll get some awesome looking cards with heartfelt messages inside when usually I'd just scramble something generic together.

I've also started looking into therapy as the journal helped me realise some of the issues I'm facing are a mix of current events and childhood issues. I'm extremely lucky to have BUPA through my partner but I researched online and most people say psychotherapy really helped them work through their issues. I think it's available on the NHS too but I know waitlists vary.

Ive also tried to get myself interested back in hobbies, sometimes I just have zero motivation and other times I find it a happy distraction. Some things I've been doing if it inspires anyone else - Nintendo switch, magazines (Readly subscription is great for this), learning digital illustration on procreate or drawing/painting, getting ahead with Christmas crafts and wrapping, learning hand lettering, baking treats and giving them to my sick neighbour, going for walks and putting inspirational or just plain funny podcasts on, swim & sauna at my gym. Oh and a free trial on Skillshare.

I'm also writing this in the hope that when I'm back having a shitty day I can remind myself of these things that helped.

To those who offered me to private message - thank you so much it means a lot, I use the app though and have no idea how the message function works 😅

Lately not enough. I was in a great routine but my mood made my energy tank and put it off. Also my nutrition went out the window. I need to prioritise this next week even if just to get out the house more and see daylight!