I'm unhappy, stuck in a rut, feel lost and lonely

[unhappybutnotsurewhy]

I've no idea where to post this, so feel free to move it as it's hardly appropriate for 'fun and games' section! But wasn't really an AIBU or relationships thing either.

I'm just so unhappy in my life and I'm trying to pinpoint what the main problems are and how to turn it around. This is probably going to just be me tipping my mind out on paper as much for me as to try and get some advice on this.

I'm in my mid thirties, been with my partner since late teens and for the most part we get on well. I don't think the relationship is the lead thing making me unhappy - not sure if it's my life stage, lack of joy/purpose or feeling like there's nothing positive to look forward to. I don't have much motivation or interest in the things that used to make me happy and just sit here in my head worrying and feeling tearful and unsure what to do.

My relationship is long past the passion stage but we have a solid friendship, he's supportive of me, shares all responsibility at home, we have fun together, cuddle on the sofa etc. he's not got much of a sex drive and things are definitely more comfortable than exciting now, but I couldn't imagine my life without him and don't find myself daydreaming about other men.

We don't have children and practically I'm happy with that decision - I have some health issues that give me severe fatigue at time not to mention hellish PMDD that really impacts my quality of life at times. So I just don't think it's something I could manage and probably wouldn't make me any happier. I do feel though that my life is heading in a different direction to a lot of my/our friends and therefore social life and sense of fun is massively affected. I don't think the grass is greener though as a lot of them are unhappy and miss their freedom.

I feel a sense of loneliness and boredom as though my life is just rinse and repeat with no variety or positive change. I WFH the majority of the time which I think plays into it - I have limited social time through work unlike I used to and with the long dark rainy days everything just feels depressing. It's not like I can go into the office more either as it's like a ghost town unless there's a specific workshop to attend.

My job is OK and I don't dislike it, I just miss there being a social element to it and I miss the shakeup to the routine so that I wasn't constantly working and then also relaxing in the same room. My house probably needs work doing to it, I have more clutter than I'd like and I think the environment is also adding to this. But I feel overwhelmed at how to move forwards and have no motivation.

My health obviously plays a huge part too as for weeks at a time I can feel so exhausted and unwell I struggle to function in work and at home. I have friends who I see when I can - some who don't have kids yet, but sometimes it's just sitting around moaning about their lives/partners/money which isn't the best environment when feeling low myself.

I also worry as we all do about the future - finances, job security, whether any of the above will get better and what to do about it. My partner has been there for me and will talk to me about it, I struggle to open up to others eg my parents and friends to admit I'm struggling - I'm quite a private person when it comes to talking about this type of thing.

Does anyone feel similar or has anyone been here before and found a way forwards? Some days are better than others - if I'm distracted by social activities I can be laughing and having fun, then the next day at home I feel low and stuck in this rut and keep crying. I don't want to keep dragging my partner down with this all the time. I can't afford a therapist right now, and I'm not sure if will help if I can't pinpoint the exact source of the problem.

I also feel a lot of guilt. I know people with terminal cancer, disabled children, job and home losses, one even had her newborn baby die at 8 hours old. They're often holding it together better than I am, or are more positive about their lives/future. I've not had any of these kinds of traumatic things happen to me so what right do I have to feel so down and lost. I just feel like there's no way out and no path to being happy again.

Totally agree. Part of my problem is I wasn't busy.. I am used to work always being busy and when it's quiet I'm back in my head. I'll definitely see what I can do re. My Nan and I'll look into volunteering opportunities after Christmas.

OP, it sounds as if you’re stuck in a rut and I can’t honk if you chose one thing to change other things will then change and you’ll get a bit of a spring back in your step.

Volunteering I think is a good one as I want to meet new people too. I think I've just been a bit overwhelmed as to where to start.

Regarding pets yes, my cat is my therapy right now, she is so affectionate and dependable she's the shining light in my crappy grey days.

And your comment about surroundings is very accurate. I tidied up the living room today and it's made such a difference that I don't feel as stressed simply being in the room. I think I need to prioritise doing some work in the house to make it more of a sanctuary and cosy environment - I'm a very creative person too so if I can get in the right headspace to do this it should help on more than one level.

I can relate to you there. I hope some of the things that have lifted my spirits the past few days are able to help you.

I'd really recommend the journal or speaking to someone as a starting point ☀️

It could be a combination if I'm honest! I suffer from hormonal issues that probably are aligned with peri menopause symptoms.. I think when you're struggling health wise with hormones it can amplify everything else and give you low tolerance for stress and things not being perfect.

Thank you so much. I'm going to see if my partners BUPA can help me with this and not take up an NHS space for someone else. Still waiting to see if it'll be authorised but I've taken the first step which I'm quite proud of 😊

I think you're right on some level, the wfh and feeling cut off from people is hard for me. Which is weird as I'm not this huge extrovert, but I think I'm somewhere along the middle as I think introverts love being away from people 😅

I think there is a bit of depression woven in, but the social/WFH thing is only down to me to change so I need to see what I might be able to do there.

I think your post is a bit harsh and very presumptuous. I'm not wealthy but my partner and I earn a reasonable salary, don't have children and we prioritise saving for holidays. We also have reward flights with BA due to being unable to claim during covid (we use British airways credit cards) so we didn't actually pay for the flights in full this year. I know I'm fortunate to be able to travel as frequently as I do but I've not got a silver spoon - I save and prioritise it, and don't for example spend money on smoking, new clothes, alcohol, nursery fees, commuting, sports channels etc, I don't think that makes me a coward.

Also one piece of advice to you - don't assume just because I understand how difficult other peoples lives are that mine has always been sunshine and rainbows. You never know what someone else has been through and endured in their childhood or previous years.

I didn't have a happy childhood and my life hasn't been easy. I said those things because right now I don't have those pressures, but it doesn't mean I don't have them from the past or from my current health issues.

This may help five ways to well-being trying to have something in each section does help. www.mind.org.uk/workplace/mental-health-at-work/taking-care-of-yourself/five-ways-to-wellbeing/

If cold water swimming is an option it’s worth a try, I see many many women now cold water swimming- I’m lucky to live by the sea. It’s fab for boosting mood.

Hi OP, couldn't read and run. I've got nothing clever to say about why you feel down, just one thing - you've got every right to feel whatever way you feel. Don't judge yourself for it, you don't need permission to feel a certain way, you don't need justification.

I've known someone with serious depression saying 'why am I feeling like this when my life is OK externally? Why am I so weak?' But they had their reasons. And all reasons are good enough.

Here's hoping you find a way to unpack what is ailing you. Take care.

Seriously Muddays? You can tell from OP's posts that she's 'a classic coward'? What a presumptuous, self-righteous, nasty thing to say. You sound like a classic bully.

Ignore the one that called you a coward op, they are projecting as not enough info to call you that.

I've heard great things about this actually. One for the list!

Thank you. I'd hate to think a friend or family member would think their feelings weren't justified because people are worse off than they are, you're right. Harder to see when it's about yourself than if it was someone you care about I guess.

Thank you. Completely agree that I and everyone else on this thread who is feeling similar isn't a coward no matter what their home situation is. It's comments like that that lead to people making tragic decisions so I think that poster must have some issues of their own.

I feel a bit like you at the minute op. All I can say is hang in there, I’ve felt like this before and it does pass. Keep healthy and keep to routines, be easy on yourself.

That is definitely something to be proud of. I hope you find it helpful.

@unhappybutnotsurewhy well that’s a bit more like it!Showing some backbone and fire rather than the self-entitled dribbling waffle you began with. There’s hope for you yet and i take back my coward comment as a result. The MNs i angered have either boosted your confidence which is good, or enabled selfpity, not so helpful. Either way it’s your life, not mine and i do genuinely wish you well.