I can't prop my daughter up forever, feel like I'm going to lose her

[PointlessPoster]

This might be long, am thankful in advance to anyone who reads it!

My DD is 21. Problems forever, diagnosed as autistic when she was 16. Struggles emotionally, been on anti depressants for years, she also smokes weed, takes recreational drugs and drinks (I have NO control over this,she knows what I think about it). She split with her partner a few weeks ago, took an overdose and was taken to A&E by the police once we'd tracked her down, referred to community MH team after being seen, lady she saw said it sounds like Emotionally unstable personality disorder which, reading about, I agree. This is the latest in a long, long line of similar incidents and my coping mechanisms are shot. Constantly feel like I'm waiting for a knock on the door from a couple of policemen.

I feel like I'm on constant suicide watch. Yesterday she didn't get out of bed or open the curtains, then last night she said she felt like she wasn't destined to live a long life, then she was going out to meet a "friend". I've been awake half the night worrying. She is OK and on her way home but I know she was out getting wasted. She is basically either saying she wants to die, or going and getting drunk/stoned. Says she has no friends but is so all over the place that I'm not surprised.

I feel like I spend my time telling her things she could be doing to improve her life, services etc but she doesn't listen and won't really engage in anything. She does have a job but only manages to work about 20 hours a week. She did a couple of months in a young person's rehab/training place last winter which did help until she met new partner and moved straight in with them. Her sleep is all over the place. It's really impacting on the rest of the family, we have a younger DD in the house. It's like walking on eggshells. I don't know what to do. Help, feel like I'm drowning........

I am pretty confident I am autistic with ADHD (although not officially diagnosed). In my teens and early twenties I was depressed, drank too much and made risky decisions.

Things that helped me (before I knew I was neurodivergent);

1. learning how to treat myself (often something basic but often sensory like particularly nice socks, blanket, chocolates or even a more expensive but nicer toothpaste!). It's self care really!
2. CBT book - 'feeling good: the new mood therapy'. I know CBT doesn't work for everyone but that book really helped me gain a new perspective (and didn't require me meeting a stranger in an unfamiliar environment).
3. being kinder to myself- often by reducing demands and accepting it's ok not to try to do everything especially if not feeling up for it.
4. having positive role models - I actually found some quite geeky friends many who I actually think are quite likely neurodivergent. Their special interests and differences were embraced and didn't involve excessive alcohol.

To give you hope, most of my excessive behaviours reduced and my mental health improved massively once I was 23/24. I think it took that long for my brain to mature.

"She needs a very regimented routine"

This may be sound advice for OPs DD, but just have to say that autistic people aren't clones either, they're individuals and some may hate regimented routines. The autistic person I know doesn't get on with regimented outines at all - and is sick to the teeth of people suggesting them as helpful for all autistics. People aren't all the same, whether autistic or not.

I'd say honest rather than twatty. But then I am autistic myself so sometimes don't always get tone right. I really do believe the daughter might be better living somewhere else and was not being sarcastic or trying to insult OP.

How’s things going op ,I was thinking about this thread ,and hoping things might be a bit better

I would add some things to that…

She may not be sensory seeking wrt drink and drugs. She may be escaping overstimulation and dealing with that in the only way she can. She may need less sensory input rather than more. Or more and less, at different times.

As another poster said, not all autistic people need a regimented routine, particularly if there is PDA involved. All the autistic people in my family need a LOT of unstructured downtime. A low demand approach works best here (Google low demand parenting - I know dc is older but info will still be relevant, and also the PDA ‘Pandas’ approach).

She may or may not need friends. Online friendships may be more manageable for her. A paradox for autistic women in particular can be that we are overwhelmed and exhausted by socialising yet feel isolated. Let her drive this and don’t pressure. She may find it easier to socialise with other autistic women who understand her. Friendships may not look like neurotypical friendships.

It may be that she would function better in her own space but alternatively she may not cope. She may need support in the form of co-regulation and her executive function may not support independent living atm.

The only answer is to find what works for her, and believe her when she tells you. Backing off can be a positive in reducing stress for both of you. Be her ally in her situation rather than trying to change it?

@Autumflower You have a lot on your plate. I can’t imagine how you cope and plan for the future. 💐