I can't prop my daughter up forever, feel like I'm going to lose her

[PointlessPoster]

This might be long, am thankful in advance to anyone who reads it!

My DD is 21. Problems forever, diagnosed as autistic when she was 16. Struggles emotionally, been on anti depressants for years, she also smokes weed, takes recreational drugs and drinks (I have NO control over this,she knows what I think about it). She split with her partner a few weeks ago, took an overdose and was taken to A&E by the police once we'd tracked her down, referred to community MH team after being seen, lady she saw said it sounds like Emotionally unstable personality disorder which, reading about, I agree. This is the latest in a long, long line of similar incidents and my coping mechanisms are shot. Constantly feel like I'm waiting for a knock on the door from a couple of policemen.

I feel like I'm on constant suicide watch. Yesterday she didn't get out of bed or open the curtains, then last night she said she felt like she wasn't destined to live a long life, then she was going out to meet a "friend". I've been awake half the night worrying. She is OK and on her way home but I know she was out getting wasted. She is basically either saying she wants to die, or going and getting drunk/stoned. Says she has no friends but is so all over the place that I'm not surprised.

I feel like I spend my time telling her things she could be doing to improve her life, services etc but she doesn't listen and won't really engage in anything. She does have a job but only manages to work about 20 hours a week. She did a couple of months in a young person's rehab/training place last winter which did help until she met new partner and moved straight in with them. Her sleep is all over the place. It's really impacting on the rest of the family, we have a younger DD in the house. It's like walking on eggshells. I don't know what to do. Help, feel like I'm drowning........

Wow what a twatty comment at the end.

Not sure where op has sais she resents her dc.

Describes the stress as feeling like she is drowning, and the ops posts read as a living parent at their wits end struggling.

Nice one Gruffling.

Life coach.
Psychologist.

First things to look at for support. My psychologist got me down to the very reasons why I took drugs - explained to me in a way that I understood why I was addicted to them. It was an escape from reality for a few hours at a time. They got me off drugs, I was also sensory seeking and now I have a massive weighted blanket when I get aggravated and 3 cats to cuddle and that's my sensory self happy. It's weird how it works.

Life coach to help her get on in life. You say she likes working that's great, but they can help with things like socialising and connecting with others on a level she feels happy with. It will help.

Good luck op don't give up as others have suggested - you've just got to keep trying from all angles. And don't be fobbed off with mental health conditions.

Ahhh @IntrovertedPenguin I love the image of you with a weighted blanket and a pile of cats! That is very cheering. We should have more role models like you out there. It sounds like there are loads of pieces to pick up here, @PointlessPoster. Make sure you get your own life ring on first before trying to help DD. Whether that's finding local parent support or seeing your own GP or just reaching out here for moral support. If you have a posse around you it will be much easier to do the emotional work of supporting her. You have not let her down.

Wouldn’t it be better if she worked full time? When you are occupied at work and being productive then you don’t have much time to wallow in your self pity and feel sorry for yourself about how shit you are. Sitting at home doing not much will make you think more about your shitty existence, then you will feel less likely to go out into society, so will stay indoors more and think more about your shitty….you get my drift. It’s a vicious cycle. Only she can break it. Being busy and productive is the way ahead.

Oh I've suggested

Bloody phone - have suggested working more hours. She was working more but not really coping. What I'd like to do is take her to live in the countryside with lots of dogs, she'd like that. Not really an option sadly though.

Only she can choose to change her life. But you can also assist in providing the means to do that. Finding meaning beyond bf is important. A hobby, exercise, a passion etc.

Outdoors and exercise is good. Structure. Something to look forward to. If you can assist in facilitating these in anyway then I would.

Ie. A ski season is probably the extreme end. Does she ski, can you afford to book a holiday to look forward to and learn with the view she could do a season that year?

Smaller end of the scale - a betterment budget. My mum bought me a 10 class pass for yoga one year and that changed my life as it became a real passion of mine. Sometimes I drop it but it’s always there to pick me up when I need structure and to focus on myself again. Really grateful she did that even though I did leave it to the last two weeks before expiry before smashing through the classes 🤣.

My dad is 16 and we are heading in the same direction.

ASD depression. Eupd has been mentioned for years,but is diagnosed after 18. I can't work as she can't be trusted alone... So no extra money for private therapy, and camhs are totally useless, we are again back on a waiting list.

She has not plans for the future, no real aspersions, thankfully not taking drugs yet but tbh I think it's only because she doesn't go out anywhere to have access to them,. He ideal day is to sleep in her bed all day or dress up in cosplay in her room.. it's very very tough and equally sad at al the things she is missing out on

Dogs is good. As dogs can = outdoors.

Can you help her set up a dog walking side business. Subtly suggest ways she can use the dog idea to add value. Volunteer/ work at a dog rescue. Train to be a police dog handler.

www.animal-job.co.uk/career-advice-cat/careers-with-dogs/

Good ideas re. dogs. I do have a horse that she could ride but unfortunately she is so terribly allergic to them that it's not an option. Dogs she is 50/50 with allergy wise, I have suggested dog walking and volunteering which I guess I could do with her (I am also full time in the NHS so time starved). It would be a good start, dogs do bring her a lot of joy.

I wouldn’t dismiss the MH team too quickly regarding EUPD. There’s a lot of overlap between the two and it’s possible to have a dual diagnosis: www.rightpro.org.uk/s/article/Autism-and-Emotionally-Unstable-Borderline-Personality-Problems

Usually autistic traits start incredibly early in the developmental stage whilst EUPD starts presenting later.

Some of the treatment options for EUPD will help with emotional regulation which helps with ASD. It’s all a bit chicken and egg but diagnosis is never a completely accurate tool for either of those things. Where’s her father in all of this? Is he around to support? Sounds tough on all of you.

Plus the secondary MH teams have access to employment support specialists now within the clinical teams which could help her on a more stable employment pathway etc.

I'm autistic, and CBT really turned my life around. It helped me manage my overwhelming emotions.

Her father not around (deceased) but my DH has been in her life since she was 6, she's never known her dad anyway. Have called to chase up the community mental health referral 🤞 thing is we go through flurries of this sort of thing every time there's a crisis but nothing ends up changing, it's so frustrating

@AfricanAmericanFriday When work is adding to the sensory overload, and being busy is pushed on you, it leads to burnout and shut down as an autistic person, and makes the overstimulation and negative self talk worse. If she is not coping with 20 hours a week, then doing more at work is not going to help.

@PointlessPoster You are doing a good job as mum, and you clearly care deeply about your daughter. The main thing you can do is support and accept her for who she is, and also as a PP said, find a support network for yourself- you sound like you are trying to pour from an empty cup at the moment, which is impossible, you need time and space for yourself as well (easier said than done, I know!)

What I'd like to do is take her to live in the countryside with lots of dogs, she'd like that.

Can she do some outdoor volunteering? My DS is a bit older at 24, and the healthiest (mentally and physically) he's ever been was when he was part-time employed and volunteering twice a week with a conservation charity, sawing through branches and occasionally chatting to (older, usually retired) other volunteers. He would come home utterly shattered and actually sleep. Sadly, he needed to get a full time job and has regressed a bit.

I've suggested volunteering (a lot 🙈) in the past but she's always said she doesn't want to work for free even though I've explained the benefits of it. In some ways I feel like I'm turning myself inside out trying to help her but she always throws it back in my face.

By the way thankyou for your kind and helpful comments. I'm not very good at reaching out in general and apart from my fab husband haven't had a lot of useful support at all with this.

She has you, her wonderful mum, fighting her corner so don't give up. As a teacher I worked with autistic students at university but not as a specialist. I didn't know much about autism but professional development was an eye opener. All students were different but some things they experienced included oversensitivity to light and sound. Too much of this physical stress could cause a meltdown. Undersensitivity to touch could cause burns e.g. from boiling water or a hot oven. Making and maintaining eye contact could be a struggle. And the effort to try and fit in and conceal differences could be overwhelming. So 3 suggestions to consider. 1) You and daughter need to get lots of support and advice and knowledge about autism. The Curly Hair Project online is apparently helpful (recommended by a uni student). Local groups and the national autism bodies should help too. 2) No more work hours yet as this will increase her stress 3) For dog involvement look up Borrow my dog..a chance to engage in a stress free manner.Choose Non allergic breeds like Schnauzers perhaps. I found the first series of The A Word , a drama about a young child and his family's experience of autism, quite realistic and a good drama. Might be on I player? Come back on in a few months to let us know how things are going.

Women with autism are often misdiagnosed with EUPD. Personally I don’t think EUPD exists, I think it’s always undiagnosed autism, trauma, or both. I agree with autism specific support but that can be hard to come by. Can she apply for pip and access private help?

I wouldn’t push more work hours. She is likely to need a lot more time than average to decompress / manage the sensory and social demands of work.

The thing is, OP, that you can’t change her situation, only support her within it, and we can’t control what other people do. It may be a case of supporting her day by day and not looking too far into the future.

I can't advise on getting support for you daughter but I can give you one bit of advice on getting support for yourself:
Join the FaceBook group Parenting Mental Health. It doesn't matter that your daughter is 21- you are still her parent. Many of the parents in the group have younger children but plenty of us have older, adult children.
Parenting Mental Health offer courses (online) to parents on how to best support their children- by, amongst many things, acknowledging you can't fix them, by validating their feelings even if you don't agree, and by resourcing yourself adequately so that you can manage the long term emotional demands having a child with mental health challenges can bring. They are a supportive community.

There is some great advice here which I will read properly when I get home. My DD is 16 and diagnosed with ASD last year but I can see her being just like your DD at 21 OP. My DD is currently pretty much rejecting her ASD diagnosis and trying to find a mental health condition that fits with her. She is on Sertraline and Quatiapine and can be very risky in her behaviour and self harm. Clearly I have no advice and will refer to this thread for advice but just to let you know you are not alone and I really feel for you.

I’ve 2 with autism ,and I’m a whisker away from my diagnosis of autism.
i don’t work ,I’m a housewife and mum of 4.didn’t realise I was autistic untill my youngest was diagnosed.
there is very little support out there ,none of us coped with school ,neither of my boys went to secondary School ,one left at age 8 ,the other age 11,both have on line learning.
neither cope with busy places ,neither will cope with a job ,one is 24 and never worked. ,still has his EHCP so has 9 hours a week at college with a one to one .
you need to help her remove all demands ,she is in burnout .
get her signed off work ,get her doctor involved,get an application for pip going .
she needs to have no demands while she recovers .
my eldest was at college doing full time ,he started having suicidal thoughts and acting irrationally,we had to get him signed off his course for 6 months and he just spent time at home recovering..the mental health problems went away when he recovered.then he took on what he could cope with ,and no more .
so out went full time college ,and in with 9 hours at college .out went the train journey alone to college ,and in came social services with funding for a taxi .out went any demands on him at home …he rests a lot now ..but all his mental health problems went ,once he wasn’t overwhelmed with his life ..

at 14 I tried to commit suicide ,I meant it and wanted to die ,no camhs in those days ,and no one to spot my autism .3 days in hospital and then left to get on with it ,feeling overwhelmed with my life and having no control over what was happening to me ,left me very vulnerable mentally …
im only just at nearly 50 learning what I need to not burn out …I frequently have to take time out in the day to recharge my batteries and have time alone .i need to be in control of my routine and in control of what I eat and when I eat it ..I need to do my special interest every day ,To keep on an even keel.
I rapid spiral downwards if I’m not in control of those things …
my advice is she needs signed of work ,she needs pip ,she needs no demands on her to recover …she needs time to discover what makes her tick as an Austin woman ..plenty of books on Amazon all about other women living with autism ,there’s a Facebook group called ,surprise your autistic ….,and autism and Asperger’s U.K. support group ..I’m on both and find it so helpful to not feel alone .

Also
social services have a moving on to adulthood team .
for under 25 year olds ..we got the taxi paid through them ,and he is having a PA provided and paid for to get him out in to the community.
you could try your social services and ask for moving on to adulthood team to get involved

My son actually told the adult mental health team he was suicidal,and they discharged him.
they didn’t inform us he was suicidal either
about 4 months after the appointment they sent a letter detailing the appointment to him ,and that he was discharged.
he won’t read his post ,he puts it in my hands and tells me to read it ,that’s when we found out he was suicidal,and when we realised there actually was no help available ,
I phoned his doctor who was appalled and re contacted the adult mental health team ,but they refused to see him again because they said ,it was all part of his autism …..,said he wasn’t a risk …our gp signed him of college on sick leave for 6 months ..so even when we reached out ,other than our doctor help wasn’t there