Miscarriage and I have nobody to talk to

[GenerationXYZ]

I am looking for a handhold really. It was a completely unplanned pregnancy and the dad was someone who I wouldn't ever see again (holiday romance, from another country, who hadn't wanted to stay in touch). I had made my peace with this and had decided to continue with the pregnancy nonetheless. I hadn't even told my close friends or anyone as was only 7½ weeks but I feel totally bereft. Due to the circumstances I can't try again, with the same partner, like I would do if I was in a long-term relationship. I hadn't even got round to telling him I was pregnant. I just can't believe it's happened and I can't believe how invested I was in this (making plans, rearranging my future) considering I only knew I was pregnant for about 3 -4 weeks. I can't stop bleeding and it's just horrendous; I feel so lonely and can't stop crying.
I feel like if I tell people they'll say it was probably for the best (and probably be quite judgey) but to me, my world is shattered. How can I move forward?

Oh OP, I'm so sorry. I had a loss at a similar time and know what you mean about being invested. Please take time to grieve.

You will move forward by taking one step at a time, when you're ready to. Do you feel comfortable telling someone in real life?

I know it doesn’t make it any better but I’m sorry you’re going through this. 💐

There is nothing I can say that will make you feel better but I am writing this to let that you know I am thinking of you and sending love. You are allowed to grieve and cry. Please be kind to yourself, physically and emotionally. It is a hard thing to experience no matter when it happens.

In all honesty I feel a bit stupid telling anyone in real life 🤐 my mum would probably say I was very irresponsible for getting pregnant on holiday in the first place and I would feel that my friends would be thinking this even if they didn't say it. I just quite believe it's all over so suddenly.

So sorry to hear of your miscarriage

Please don’t feel the need to undermine your loss because of the stage you were at or the circumstances.

Allow yourself to grieve and practice the best self care you can. ❤️

Happened to me I was young and my mother (already toxic towards me just yelled at me). I remember feeling so upset I thought I would never get over it. Maybe I had depression linked to hormone changes.

It's a horrendous time and I say this nearly 20 years later. You will get stronger and you will slowly get over it. It won't leave you and you will still think about the little one. I know I still do.

I had no support and it was the loneliest feeling in the world. If I had known about MN then it would have helped tremendously. I wouldn't have had sympathy either because I was young and not married.

Be kind to yourself during this time and tell yourself with each day I will heal a little bit more.

So here's a hand to hold 🖐and wishing you healing x

Thank you for your kind words. I think what makes it so sad for me is that the baby/pregnancy would have been totally unique and random. The father was totally uninterested in carrying on after the holiday was over (pregnancy aside I would have liked to have stayed in touch a bit), I can't even grieve with him. It just felt so special and star-crossed and now it's gone.

I am so sorry you’ve lost your baby. I had a loss at a similar stage in pregnancy and hated people dismissing my loss as irrelevant because of the number of weeks (yes, looking at you big sister!).

you’ve lost what you that was your future and that takes time to adjust. Handhold from me and here to talk if you want it.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's heartbreaking isn't it it's a lonely, emotional and hormonal place to be.

You can call the Samaritans they're really good to talk to about anything that's on your mind. You don't have to be on the edge as it were to call them.

You're grieving and it's a complicated strange, upsetting situation to be in.

Thank you 💕 so sorry your sister said that, people can be awful! That's exactly what happened; I really had adjusted my future and I can't believe how used to that timeline I became in such a short period of time. And now it has just been taken away so suddenly.

Thanks, I might try giving them a call, I didn't think that I meet their threshold. Yes very hormonal, I just can't stop crying. And yes, feeling dreadfully lonely right now. If I contact the father (I can't even call him my ex as we only knew each other for about 10 days) I think I would just sound like a bunny-boiler.

There is no threshold for the Samaritans - you call them if you need to talk, it’s as simple as that

I get what you are saying, I really do. That specialness and uniqueness, which you feel you won't get back. I felt that way too. I remember thinking, that's it, being a mother may never pass my way again. It did however. I was anxious about loss, I was fragile, but it was ok, I did have another baby four years later.

Now that I'm older I also see that I learned a big lesson in that I had some more time to develop my life, time to myself that I wouldn't have had with a baby. At the time all I wanted was my baby, I just wanted to see and hold my baby. When you're grieving it's one day at a time.

Later on, many years later, I could see that I went on to do other things that would have been hard with a child at that point in my life. Study for example.

It was a hard time that year my worst year. You will no doubt create new chapters in your life and you will get this opportunity again. There's nothing to say that later, you won't meet someone and have a child under different circumstances with many new positive experiences.

I’m sorry OP, I know that as soon as I found out I was pregnant, I started making plans and thinking how my life would change with a child. It only takes a few hours for a pregnancy to fill your head with hopes and dreams for your future life together.

So a loss at any stage is heartbreaking, it’s not only the physical process, but the loss of the future you thought you were going to have. I remember wanting to either turn back the clock to when I had been pregnant, or fast forward to a time I could be pregnant again - it might be harder for you if you are not in a relationship.

Be kind to yourself, your grief is real and harder to process because you are isolated. I found that talking through my losses really helped, and so would encourage you to do the same. Online forums are actually really supportive, although perhaps have a friend you could confide in too.

Lots of love xx

I'm so sorry you are going through this OP.

It's hard not to start imagining the future when you find out you are pregnant even if it is unplanned and it is early in the pregnancy. It's exciting and when it doesn't work out it's understandably very disappointing. When I miscarried at 12 weeks I wasn't grieving the baby as I don't think it was a viable pregnancy but I was grieving the massive disappointment of not being pregnant. As a woman your hormones are making you want to get pregnant - you shouldn't underestimate their effect.

I'm sure that the Samaritans or one of the miscarriage charities such as The Miscarriage Association would be happy to talk to you and wouldn't minimise how you are feeling. I think it might make you feel better if you could talk it through. Keeping it to yourself would be difficult for most people.

I really felt ok when I miscarried and was surprised how it didn't effect me but since being on Mumsnet I've realised that it is very, very normal to be knocked for six by a miscarriage even if it is early in the pregnancy.

Thank you. I might speak to the miscarriage association; I didn't know about them.

Yes @IfOnlyOCould I am grieving the future I could have had with a new baby. I really had it all sorted in my head. And I don't know if it's hormones but I do feel like I want to be pregnant now. But like I say my holiday fling doesn't even want to know.

I had two miscarriages at similar times, and for both I spent a lot of time in bed crying. I just needed a bit of space. Some people understood, some didn't, but I needed space to grieve the children I was never going to meet. It is over 10 years ago now and I still cry about it from time to time, just on my own really, to acknowledge the pain of losing them. Do what you need to do OP and you don't need to justify anything to anyone.

Oh OP I'm so sorry, I've had a fair few and they're really unpleasant. The bleeding will stop and things will get back to normal, I hope you find a decent bloke soon enough and start a family, in the meantime enjoy life and prepare for when you can't drink and eat everything you fancy 😉

Thanks @coffeeisthebest - I have been in bed loads. I keep seeing babies everywhere and all my targetted ads are for baby things because of all my recent googling. I am very sad I won't meet this child of mine, I could imagine what s/he would look like (gorgeous!) and the things we would do together. I think that s/he was conceived under such weird circumstances makes it so much harder as I can't replicate this and I will never see my holiday romance again.

Also @coffeeisthebest I am so very sorry for your two losses 💐 thank you for reaching out to me and sharing your story x

Thanks - that is what I hope for now 💕 I keep having these weird moments where I think I can't have a coffee, then I remember actually that I can again now 😕 x

Ot will be a mixture of hormones as your body readjusts and the fact that you had gotten your head round having a baby. You are allowed to grieve. Miscarriage hurts. Sending hugs

OP- I had 3 recurring miscarriages (after having my daughter who is my absolute world). It's heartbreaking and for me it's the end of the road in terms of having any other babies as I'm almost 45 now.

I feel your pain. But time is a healer and I promise you'll be fine. You'll get a lot of support on here as you are not alone, so many women experience miscarriages, shame it's not talked about it more.

How old are you? I had DD when I was almost 40 and I have a few friends who had a few children in their 40ies. Please stay positive!

I am so sorry, OP. I know what it is like to adjust very quickly to a new future and then to have this dreams come crashing down around you. Miscarriage is awful, physically and mentally.

If I were your friend, I would want to know. Can you text someone you trust, telling them what you’ve told us (including feeling vulnerable about being judged as to how the pregnancy came about)?

Thanks for your message and very sorry for your losses 💐 I am 37. I have one child who's 8 and (obviously) from a previous relationship. It was an abusive relationship and I'd intentionally been single for 4+ years; this was my first holiday on my own and my first time I had been with someone since splitting up from my husband. I had fully expected DD to be an only child and had got used to this but then I got swept completely off my feet and was imagining a future for me, her and this new baby / pregnancy. Because I am already a single parent I just know if I told people in real life they would just think I had been silly or irresponsible (even though we used condoms). As I am late 30's I don't think I will have any more children now and I feel sad about that for the first time. But really I just want the baby I have lost back 💔

Samaritans do not have a threshold - they just listen. They were wonderful with me when my OH died

I am sure it will help you to talk to someone - a horrible situation for you to feel so isolated with.

Take care.