Avoiding a step parent you can't stand

[Changename4]

So yesterday I was told that my dad will be coming down with my stepmum to visit. They want to probably buy us something as they don't really do Christmas.

The only problem is I haven't spoken to my Stepmum in ages and I have just limited my contact for my own peace of mind. She just a nightmare.

After I had the call from Dad which was about something else he dropped that on me. Later that evening I messaged when they plan on coming. He told me a date so I said I don't know my work rota yet and that is the day I normally work. Plus that I am busy with appointments etc.

Do you avoid seeing a step parent? If you can't avoid them do you say something to your parent why you can see your step parent?

I know personally I can't keep avoiding her but at the moment with my health and something else don't need the stress at the moment.

Any advice?

Bump

Would meeting them somewhere other than your home be easier? You get to leave when you've had enough rather than having to wait for them to leave.

Assuming you love your dad and want to maintain a relationship with him, I think you have to suck this up to an extent.

Does your dad know how you feel? If not, do you think he would be sympathetic if you made him aware?

This can be a tricky dynamic to navigate. My relative's father married an absolutely vile woman. She was the OW who he took up with while the kids lovely mum was terminally ill so obviously didn't get off on the best foot anyway. But she's treated the (now adult) children objectively terribly and many people have gone NC with the pair of them. He still doesn't see it though, it's everyone else's problem.

Whether you are reason depends on why she's a "nightmare" is it because she's married to your dad and nobody would be ok (be honest) if is there a specific reason. One of my dds is a bit resistant to dp but I've told her straight, she was already over 18 when we met, her dad had already left me, and quite frankly I was fed up for years prior so tough (other dd chose to move in with us)

I can't stand my mother's husband (I refuse to call him my step father as that makes him something to me - and he's nothing to me) but, on the rare occasion I have to see them together I just smile and nod and get it over with through gritted teeth. Can you really not fake it for a one off visit?

@TheMatlockMangle

Just at the moment don't need the stress with health and something else.

They haven't spoken since finding about my news all I say is don't need the criticism or questions and just don't need anything making me more anxious.

It's been so peaceful but really don't want to see her now. I am really stressed already with a lot at the moment would rather see her after something is sorted and probably can be able to talk to her now. Feeling quite vulnerable at the moment.

Just not really myself and have a full plate and she the last person I want to see.

I will have to somehow get out of it tell my dad I got a lot on my plate.

She quite a negative person too.

I dont see my mother any more because she insists on going everywhere with my stepfather who was violent and controlling to me when I lived with them as a child. It wasn't "home" for me it was hell. I have no happy memories.
I refuse to see hi. So I haven't seen my mother for years.

I'm fortunate that both of my step parents are brilliant and I get on really well with them, but step MIL on the other hand... I just grin and bear it. I see her maybe three times a year. She hates me, she's always hated me, and she's ignorant and naive (oh and it turned out during the last visit racist too and that was something I couldn't keep my mouth shut over).
Sometimes you just have to smile and nod and let things wash over you to be the bigger person.

There's lots of information missing OP.

Your news and health problems and why she is a "nightmare"

However you sound like you don't want to see her so you don't have to. You really don't. There is no obligation. You can say you haven't been feeling great and don't want to meet up. You can say you are busy. You can make the plans and cancel the day before.

How long is the travel time.

Is he joined at the hip with her? Can you not just be honest and tell him that as you and step mother don’t get along, how about dad pops over or meets up with you for an afternoon?

When they were in a hotel near by visiting actually they came for funeral. My DS went with them to hotel and my dad tried very hard at guilt tripping to go for a meal at the hotel. I wasn't feeling great probably happy at watching Netflix in peace.

I haven't seen her since April or May. That was enough for me.

What happened then was my dad took the boys and partner out to shop. I was left with her so quickly got out of there. I did ask her how to get to a shop she was trying to hold me there by saying I should wait for my dad.
There's like woods that lead to shops and she knew how to get there but wouldn't tell so found my own way asking someone. I got there as I needed to buy something and I did get my dad to pick me up.
Then he like she didn't know where went I didn't cause a scene but said she did know.
Then he dropped us off somewhere and went to collect to come back where we was. Then she was like so did you the thing you needed. So she knew exactly where I went because I asked her how to get there then tried to lie saying she didn't know where I went.
Everything was fine nothing more said. But I won't be sitting with her being interrogated.
Especially when she asked about a friend of mine which I wondered why. It wasn't like she liked her. So this why I quickly left her. She would of made comments and just didn't want that.
Even though I won't be alone don't want to have her near me at all.

I’d either just say that the day isn’t convenient or arrange to meet just your dad somewhere for a drink, and if she turns up have a reason to leave (awful toothache or something).

@Rainbowshine

I won't see her at the moment. I just can't do it at the moment.

Thanks for your comment

Yep. My step is a bigoted, racist, sexist buffoon who facilitates my narcissistic mother and has spent a large chunk of her inheritance. Whilst my father was alive, step constantly bad mouthed him. My father was lovely and didn't facilitate my mother who treated him badly.

I left home at 16 (for weekend boarding and spent weekends with my grandparents). That was 46 years ago.

They visit us once a year, I visit them once a year. Funnily enough at 12 years old my dd saw through the pair of them. It took me until I was about 50 to realise they were the problem, not me.

It's very sad.

Hi @Changename4 are you familiar with the Stately Homes threads on the relationships board on MN? You will find kindred spirits there and maybe some ways that will help you with your Dad.

I'd just tell him that you'd love to see him but not her. If he gets the hump, that's his choice and look out. Life is too short to put up with bullshit like that.

I have just been telling my friends.

I think I will have too. Because my anxiety gone through the roof at the thought of seeing her.

No sorry I am not.

Here you are:

Stately homes thread

Hope that shows you that you’re not alone

@Rainbowshine
Thank you so much.