Managing 4 days work, teenagers, life - how?

[FallenFigs]

I'm preparing to return to work 4 days a week, having had some time off for study.

I'm slightly panicking about to fit everything in - and how to be a good parent - whilst working 4 days/week.

How do you manage it and feel like you are doing things well? In particular, I'm worrying about how to support/be present for teenagers when really pushed for time? They are home from school by 3.30pm and would spend hours on devices if left to their own (ahem) devices. However, they have homework to do (that also requires light supervision to minimise distractions, hello YouTube). But I want to avoid my time at home with them being a constant nudge to get homework done etc.

Basically I have a few weeks to get the teenagers trained and work out a routine and some rules that will help us all feel like we are making the best of life, not skidding through it. So I'm interested in others experiences and how they make it work.

I'd be out of the house from 7.15 until around 5.30 two to three days per week, and one day from home. Would still need to fit 8 hours work into the wfh home day - so still needing to work (productively) in the post school time.

So for example, do any of you who do this have your kids cook meals whilst you are commuting home? How do you do it and still manage a social life? Is there something obvious I'm missing in how to make this run smoothly and not be exhausted?

Tell them you will block wi-fi if they don't do their homework first.

Are you a single parent?

How old are your teens? I've got one in yr 11 and one in 6th form.

I don't oversee homework if I'm honest. I might double check on a Sunday afternoon that it's all done but I don't micromanage it. If ds doesn't pass his GCSEs that's on him. If he gets a detention or has to go to homework club then again that's on him. It means riding his bike to school rather than catching the school bus so he's pretty self motivated in that respect. Dd is a high flyer and has never needed my input.

I sometimes put a slow cooker dinner on if I'm working late but they can and do also cook dinner.

I've worked FT and done qualifications whilst they've been teens. My two are very independent and I like that they are. Teach your teens to cook, it's a game changer.

I love having teens. I love that I can go for a swim or go to the gym whenever I want. I love the freedom - although mum taxi duties on friday and Saturday nights can be a pain.

Build your life outside of kids and work so you don't become dependent on them. They'll be off your hands in a few short years. I make sure I see friends a couple of evenings a week so my life isn't just work, kids, netflix and sleep.

@frozendaisy I could, but I guess in life I aim t be more carrot than stick.

@TheMorigoul They're year 9 and year 7. We've developed some pretty unhelpful habits, DD started secondary in lockdown so has spent a lot of time learning digitally - she's easily distracted. So whilst I don't want to micromanage, I do want to help them develop good habits around homework.

I also love the freedom, but I am also very aware that their time at home is rushing past and I want to be present for them whilst balancing my own needs to socialise, see adults, have a life of my own.

@Uninterestedfamily no I'm not, but for many various reasons I need to approach this as if I am. Sounds ridiculous/mysterious I know, but the cause of that is not the subject of this post. I'm planning that this is on me to sort out.

Are you a single parent? DH and I both work full time, sometimes long hours. Two teenagers 14 and 16. We agree a day a week that each of us will be home by 5 or earlier and the rest of the time one of us is home by 6-6.30. The teenagers are home by 4 most of the time and know to get on with their homework/empty the dishwasher before we come home. It’s good for them to be independent as well as having time with us available. They know that if they don’t do their homework and other responsibilities the devices are removed, so the vast majority of the time they just get on with it.

I have limited experience so far. Classic Mumsnet tip of batch cooking and freezing for some easy dinners. Every Thursday is frittata Thursday as that takes half an hour and if/when DC were older I could train them to make it.

Plan, make time to connect. Have a regular programme we watch together and off phones eg Taskmaster, Bake Off. Always have a little chat at bedtime. Weekends do one half day thing together - country walk, beach walk, charity shop mooch, cafe. Obviously can and do do more than this but it's about making sure there's something happening together and that's expected.

Homework is their look out though I do ask if they have any and can sometimes make suggestions about helpful resources. I have limits set on their phone and our shared iPad so these just go off as I do not want to be nagging. The school laptop doesn't have this so has to be downstairs overnight.

Mine loves reading and some crafty stuff they spontaneously do alone, and can (generally) be trusted to make a healthy after school snack- so long as I have done the work of making sure the right foods are in the house.

I was here but mine had a get changed, snack, drink, short chill time then a set time for homework. The expectation was it had to be done to a high standard, reflected in feedback from school and school reports. Any tech was a privilege and earned.

Would yours be able to prepare a dinner together? Mine did, homemade meatballs or salmon, surely chicken pesto pasta for ease one evening. Mine had helped out with dinners anyway so knew what to do. They also did chores like the dishwasher in the mornings and emptied bins. Plus some laundry. All scheduled so every Friday is bed strip day that way it is just routine.

We then had dinner together every night and most nights spent some of it watching TV shows together. Then they went off so Dh and I had time together too.

In same boat.. following
Good luck OP

Don't supervise homework. But make it absolutely clear they will face any consequences from school and you will not be making excuses ( unless a genuine reason).

I’ve worked 4 days a week since mine were babies (now 16 and 14) and I’ve been full time since 2020. I don’t find it any hassle or difficult really now that they are much more self sufficient and I’m not juggling childcare as well but maybe I’m just used to it.

I work 5 days a week (usually from home) with 2 teens and various activities.

Lower your standards on cleaning, tidying, etc.

Dd1 often makes her own tea as she's fussy. She also tends to go to a cafe for drinks on the way home with friends and they work on homework together there, which helps a lot.

Dd2 needs more help with homework but I try to do that at a weekend when there's more time to work through problems.

I think generally I leave them to their homework but they know they have to try their best with it.

I didn't really oversee homework either, doing it straight after school didn't work for either of mine as they had long school days and needed to decompress a bit, doing it after dinner worked much better for them (they took A levels and GCSEs this summer so one is at uni and one at college now and have to manage their own workloads). They also help out with cooking, chores etc. We never restricted use of devices, never needed to.

In their earlier teens they both did a lot of sports etc in the evening so we had a lot of time in the car together. But DH and I did plenty of evening activities too, it all just went in the online calendar and we managed somehow. DH and I both go out with friends during the week too when there's a free slot in the calendar. All this did require both of us to be on hand some evenings though. We also had a lot of liftsharing arrangements with other parents. We still manage time watching telly together and trips out at weekends, but mine are quite homebodies, don't go out with friends as much as some.

Fridays are my day off, I exercise, do errands, meet friends for coffee, do housework then. Also meet friends at weekends.

I WhatsApp the dc from work to remind them what needs doing before tv/devices (dh works from home but if on calls he’s not checking and they get away with murder until I get home and learn they’ve done nothing then dh gets cross with them.
we both work 5 days a week.
we have a white board that we used to use - might start that again so they can tick off what they’ve done.

Thanks all, I posted then disappeared ill....

I would like to be in a position where they could do all the common sense stuff suggested above.
On reflection, I think the actual question is how do I get them to do that?
For example, we have limits on devices but they spend an inordinate amount of time trying to hack the limits (often successfully) instead of getting on with what they're supposed to be doing instead.

They are Y7 and Y9.
So unfortunately a lot of bad habits were incubated during the pandemic times with device time, lack of attention/distraction and so on.
So I think my real question is how do I get in place those very sensible practices you've all described, without constant conflict.
I'm trying very hard to put these good habits in place, but unpicking the 'bad habits' - not least having everything done for them - is causing some conflict.

Any points on how to be firm but fair whilst not having conflict every night?
Who wants that?

It usually involves a financial incentive here. They have their weekly allowance but that is dependent on chores and study being done without me having to chase.
In reality I do end up doing a bit of chasing, but it’s less than it would be if there wasn’t anything in it for them. I don’t like having to bribe them, but really, that’s the same as the world of work.
The phrase ‘you don’t get ‘owt for nowt’ is regularly trotted out by me.

Assuming they’ve got phones, I keep in touch with mine on messages once they’re home from school. It’s annoying at times to be honest because they also message me about the petty squabbles they’re having. But that way I can ask what homework they have and make sensible suggestions.

Like other posters I don’t oversee homework as such. But I do ask what they have, and I offer to sit with them while they do it when I’m home (usually weekends), so maybe on a work from home day you could all sit around the table for half an hour each working on your own thing.

They should be able to take turns making dinner. When I’m making dinner after work I often chop things the night before - eg chicken and veg for sweet and sour chicken. Also batch cooking as another poster said. Agree with dropping the standards on the house. Something’s got to give.

I'm a single parent and work FT so don't have time to be 'on it' with DC (16 and 14). They've always been responsible for doing their own homework and the school deliver any carrots or sticks required..... they don't like being in the teachers bad books or detentions so tend to just crack on. They ask for help with homework occasionally and I'm happy to help where I can or with revision cards.

They both quite like cooking and know my meals are likely to be 'freezer dips' in the week if they've not either requested something or chosen to do dinner instead. We did start sharing meal cooking during covid as I was working stupid hours so it's evolved from there which is easier than starting from scratch.

I do have a policy though that we all live in the house together so we all chip in. If they need a lift somewhere then helping out is a way to ensure the answer to that request is a yes!

In the nicest way @FallenFigs that's boundary issues not setting up a system. You've set limits, they're not respecting what you've put and are actively working against them. I'd remove the devices if they were my two.

I'm not a strict parent, I didn't have limits on devices etc but I've always made sure that they listen to me/do what I've said/follow through if they don't. That's probably the only thing I've bee totally consistent on with parenting and looking back it has worked.

I’m wfh with a yr 8&10. They come home, grab a snack and vanish upstairs. I don’t remind about homework, they know the consequences that will happen if they don’t do it - it’s usually a huge pile on a Saturday to catch up on tbh!
I wouldn’t expect them to prep dinner, they are happy enough waiting until 7pm, then they eat that and continue eating until bedtime… I do expect them to do a couple of chores after dinner (bins, sweep floor), which they huff and puff over.
The only days I struggle with is when they have activities so they have quick meals on those evenings.

@TheMorigoul I agree. Unfortunately have a DH who doesn't see it quite the same way and is not able to stick to the limits or rules/boundaries we have in place. So the DC have confusing messages.

I think we need to go back to basics and be clear on the different between a privilege, and their responsibilities. And that they need to deliver on their responsibilities to receive/achieve the privileges.

5.30 isn't late to be home.
Why not let them unwind and use their devices when they come home from school?
You could have a rota to help prep food, so you can have it ready to cook as you come in, or they could prepare a meal? Homework should be a nudge not close supervision now so maybe you need to step back a bit.
Once you get home, it's time for homework if they haven't done it already. Then eat together and then relax, etc. 1 hour a night for homework is usually enough

Teenagers really shouldnt need supervision on homework, my 12 year old doesn't. I do have an app that tracks what's been done but I rarely look at it, it's important he learns himself how to manage his time. Expectation homework is not left to the night before. No devices on a school night except for homework.

I have increased my hours and I'm in a perpetual state of confusion/ winging it.
Social life was first to go. I have also greatly reduced social media.
It's a bit 'all work and no play' at the moment, but I'm trying to find joy in minimising the cost of living crisis on my dc's.

Honestly I am marvelling at all these DC who do their homework on devices without supervision. Do you not find they are constantly distracted by YouTube and other sources of mindless scrolling? They will set off with the intention of doing homework, but as it's all on devices they are soon distracted. I agree they shouldn't need supervision with homework per se, but I think we all know how utterly absorbing and distracting devices are.

I wouldn't be able to check in my text when I am working - I'm likely to be in meetings and things and I can't be encouraging my own distraction with constant messaging. It also feels like replacing one 'bad' habit with another.

I like the idea of prepping tea the night before so they have a head start and know what is coming up.

@FindingMeno I am determined to keep my social life! It's one of the things that keeps me sane. Plus new job will probably mean adding a bit more socialising if I can, to get to know people. Don't want to always miss out on the after work pub trip too often.

Definitely can reduce social media tho. That will have a win-win effect, I hope, as will be demonstrating better habits to the DC too.