I really want to have a baby, but can we afford to?

[ClusterFluster]

DH and I don’t own our own home. Also, we have around £20k in savings. We already have two children and the youngest is 7.

I desperately want another child and have never felt that we are done. DH would have another but doesn’t think we can afford to. We do want to buy our own house at some point in the next few years, and are currently renting from a family member - paying less than the going rate. We make ends meet without using credit and are able to save a small amount per month. Most of our savings was inheritance.

I work and attend the Open University. I am half way through a degree but currently a low earner. DH is a higher earner than me but in the location we live in, accommodation is expensive if/when we buy a home.

If I have a baby, I could continue my studies (i know it would be tough) and would be finished my degree when the baby is 2 (if I conceived relatively soon). The only problem is that I would be either out of work for 3 years, or paying virtually just as much in childcare as I earn until that point.

If we don’t have another child, I can continue working, saving a bit each month and hopefully progress, especially once my degree is finished.

Sorry this is so long winded and I’m waffling. I just need opinions please to help me decide what to do. I’m worried that if I don’t have another now, I’ll always regret it.

Can you afford to not work/pay for childcare and still live relatively comfortably?

This depends on what your personal priorities are.

i can only speak for myself. There is no conceivable way in which I would be so significantly reducing available income even further for my existing children, postponing even further the security of their own home for my existing children - because “I want a baby”.

here is what I would do: I would focus on the fact that I have 2 children, I would rapidly increase our earning potential, get on the housing ladder and give those 2 existing children the best resources, the best financial safety net and the most solid future I possibly can amidst a world torn by crisis after crisis after crisis,

How old are you?

Personally I think if your marriage is strong, you’ll make it work

You sound like the type of person who can get by, and aren’t especially arsed about material things and family is more important….so do it imo!

So tough isn’t it, I’d love another but I just don’t think it’s viable financially - we’d really need a larger house as I’d want a bedroom per child and like you it’s the childcare issue whilst working and I don’t want to buy a bigger house as that would put us under huge financial burden for many years. But do remember that there never seems a good time to have a baby and somehow we all manage to make it work somehow and it isn’t hard forever

I don’t think anyone here can make your mind up for you though 💛

You didn’t mention your age, but my suggestion would be to wait a couple of years (if you can, age wise), then see how you feel? Once you’ve finished your studies and are working more

What you really need to ask yourself is, is another baby in your existing children's best interests? From what you've said, the answer is no. You've got a duty of care to the children you already have.

There are some regrets we just have to deal with because the alternative is detrimental. I would focus on what's best for your existing children.

How old are you?

We're in pretty much the same position, have 2DC already and saving for a deposit.

In our case we've decided to buy a house first (currently planned for when DC2 starts reception in 2 years time), and see how we feel then - if we still want another one, or if we feel too old (I'll be 37). I just think it would be too hard for us to save enough with 3DC.

I want to be sensitive as I know first hand how powerful the baby urge is. But I really think you would be doing your existing family and yourself a disservice here. Buy a house, get your education, further your career, focus on your kids and partner. I don't think going back to baby stage with a 7 year gap is optimal for any one.

My advice would be to focus on your existing children. Finish your degree, increase your earning power and buy a home.

I wouldn’t do it. But that’s just me.

I totally agree with the poster that said no time is ever perfect to have a baby, and I fully agree you can make it work. Your personal Age is such a huge factor also in making this decision, you might not want to wait if you are late thirties to finish college ect but if you are early twenties it might not be an issue to save. You never know also, house prices might even drop again you are buying!

Sorry, realise i missed my age out in my OP. I’m 34, but have had some recent changes to my periods that are making me feel like I should probably not wait much longer.

I wouldn’t . Not until I had bought a house ( if that’s what you want )

Personally I would wait until we had bought a house then see if I was still fertile. I think that would be fairer on the existing children. I would let fate decide.
But only you know how much you are prepared to sacrifice and whether being a family of five would outweigh the financial challenges.

Usually I am a complete advocate for having the baby and then working out the practicalities. I know the MN line is that you need a mortgage, a large house, and a substantial savings buffer before you even think about TTC, but that really doesn't reflect the reality of most people I know.

BUT in your case I just don't think I would do it, sorry. Personally I'd be too worried that it would reduce quality of life for your existing children. I'm not sure what your household income would look like while you're not working, but i think the savings you have are simultaneously too high to allow you to claim any means-tested benefits and too low to get you comfortably onto the property ladder or really cover 3+ years of no/low earnings on your side.

All that said - I can think of a few 3-child families I know who definitely have much less money than we (2 children) do, live in rented accommodation, share bedrooms, don't really have holidays or expensive days out etc but are really particularly lovely happy families. Very engaged, patient and loving mothers, genuinely kind siblings, lots of time at home baking or playing or reading or going to the park etc. They seem to have a kind of self-sufficiency where as long as there's a roof over their head and food on the table, they're thriving. And maybe that's the sort of family for whom having that extra baby is exactly the right thing to do.

You have 2 children. A baby with that age gap will massively upset the balance and impact upon them.

Plus you do have financial worries. Plus it will affect your studies.

What would another child bring that the current ones don't?

I think your DH is right, you can’t really afford it. What makes you want another one so badly?

May I ask, why do you feel you need to have another? What's wrong with sticking with the two you already have? Do you feel you're missing out on something?
Sorry if that's too personal.

With what you've said, I wouldn't. If you want a house you have to factor in having a decent deposit and being able to afford the rising interest costs. That coupled with exterminate childcare costs doesn't sound viable. It's also a large age gap with your existing children already.

For me I think a 7yr gap is good enough to have another baby, I would but looking at the fact that you are almost done with your school and will buy a house soon plus your age is on a safe side, I would push through 2 more yrs and complete those goals, then have a baby. We hope to buy a house next year and start trying for another baby.

This. In spades.

@ClusterFluster - I so wanted another child . Didn't happen . So I only have one. , I would have loved another baby but over time DS is so lovely and the baby years do go very quickly. Only you know how many children you would like but the baby years do go quickly. The older years can be so glorious.

She's not going to listen to a word you say .