Polyamory

[uglyducklingx]

NC for this.

I have just watched a few documentaries on polygamy, I found it really quite interesting.

I think they are onto something. The older I get and the more failed relationships I have, I have begun to start believing that for me trying to attain all my needs from one person and another person attaining all their needs from me will be extremely challenging and quite honestly expecting too much.

I am not young, I'm late 40s and all my life I have dreamt of 'the one', the perfect relationship where one man will have my back, be supportive of my dreams, needs, give me the security I wanted, while I do the same for them, however, there's some needs I can't personally meet for them and vice versa which leaves one or the other becoming resentful.

With the polyamorous lifestyle there's that opportunity to have all your needs met, just by more than one person.

There was so much love in their various relationships, love that I haven't experienced in what I thought were my monogamous relationships (few cheats thrown in there).

Anyway, views?

Ive a couple of friends into this lifestyle. Can I recommend the book The Ethical Slut? The life isn't for me, but i found the book very interesting x

Ts bit something I'd do, but I guess I'm different as been with my DH since Uni and I'm 50 now.
I'm sure you could research what's out there in the UK (or whatever country you're from))

I prefer Jackanory, but each to their own.

It's othewise known as ethical non monogamy :)

It’s not for everyone but a word of caution on these documentaries is that the participants are putting on what they show in public. You cannot tell how much love they have or how good their relationships really are.

@Onnabugeisha

I agree. Totally. The same goes for those 'happy couples' you see on social media that end up splitting because one or the other has strayed or worse. No one knows what goes on behind closed doors.

Seconding the Ethical Slut, great book. Even if polyamory is not for you it's always good to question and consider your stance on things like that.

@uglyducklingx could you tell me which documentaries you watched please? I've only been able to find with Stacey Dooley but I'd love to see more about it.

I don't think it healthy to expect to get all your needs met by a partner. This is why we have communities, work colleagues, extended families, friends. People with different interests and levels of energy/attention.

We should value our partners and allow them the freedom to experience a rich variety in life, but we do not have to be constantly raising them up.

Trying to make an intimate relationship work by throwing in the unmet needs of another person does not sound like a solution for you OP.

@olivewalls Louis Theroux did an episode on polyamory.

Arguments about getting your needs met by more than one person sound fine, but they've always seemed intensely egotistical to me. Sure, it's all fine and dandy for the person/persons at the centre of the network, but they're essentially cannibalizing others to get their needs met. So you have an open marriage, great, but unless you also have some type of Pacific Islander longhouse and all shack up together, I can't imagine it's much fun for the people stuck on the periphery of the arrangement. How are THEY getting all their "needs" met?

It’s a terrible idea for 99% of people.
having said that you don’t need to get all your needs met by one man in a relationship - that’s impossible and if your expecting it your expecting too much. He should meet your need for a sexual partner and the man in your life - but still you should have female friends/relatives who can meet other emotional needs for you in a way he - or any man can not. And vice versa.

I think in the age of “equality” we’ve done this rather silly thing of expecting another imperfect being of the opposite sex who is inherently different from us to be our all of everything and it’s simply not remotely realistic - or fair to the man when he inevitably can’t live up to that expectation.

I once worked with a thrupple. It was always tense being in the company of all 3 of them. Person 1 and 2 were married, and person 2 and 3 owned the house together. They all slept together and claimed not to favour any of the other 2, but there were so many silent tensions between them. It seemed like like any other relationship but with 3 people to please instead of 2. In this particular setting person 1 and 3 had the most tension, they didn't have any legal ties to each other.

That's only one example, I'm sure it works perfectly for some people. I'm not a jealous person but I couldn't stand the thought of my husband having a girlfriend. But then I'm monogamous so that goes without saying🤣

I can understand to some extent why this might be interesting for you.Maybe it does work for some people.The thing that really puts me off it, is the chance of getting a STD. I know someone who was skeeping with someone casualy in a Polyamourous relationship and this person has Herpes. I'm not sure that she told her lover this and she was also casualy sleeping with others.
She was also mid to late 40's.
Just try to protect your health if you go down this route.

God no. They just seem over complicated and a bit seedy, especially if kids are involved. As a PP said, monogamous people aren’t using their partners to meet all of their needs, they have friends, families, colleagues, hobbies and interests outside of the relationship.

If you really want to fuck about then just be single and date who you want to date.

I'd be interested to know what you watched?

It's not something I personally want but I agree that monogamy fails, painfully, very often and am intrigued at alternatives.

I've watched a couple of documentaries (one was Louis Theroux, can't remember other) and you'd expect people to be presenting their best sides. However in all the examples there seemed to be barely disguised deeply unfair imbalances amongst the relationships. Always one person massively losing out or one person only going along with it so as not to lose the other person.

TELL ME THE NAMES OF THE DOCUMENTARIES PLEASE!!

I could never do polyamory personally, but I am fascinated by these documentaries for some reason, and thought I had watched them all..

Theoretically, polyamory works on paper.

In reality, poly people are among some of the most rude, entitled and presumptuous people I have ever met, and believe me I've met a lot of them through certain walks of life. They constantly go on about how polyamory is more evolved, they think of themselves as very modern and edgy, and look down their noses at everyone else for being boring. I have also had countless people trying it on with my DH on the grounds that they're poly so it was okay (erm... non-consensual behaviour? We're not poly, so it's not okay to overstep other people's boundaries), and this also happened with several of my previous partners in the past. There are endless examples of entitled behaviour in which they try to convert other people to opening up their relationships, then they come in and cause endless drama. The entire "scene" pisses me right off. They keep saying they have long chats about what feels right, yet they have no respect for other people's boundaries outside of the scene.

They seem like egotists in the documentaries I've seen. Obsessed with shagging as well. It's not about relationships when it comes down to it, it's about ego and sex.

Load of nonsense.
There will be competing priorities in such a set-up.

My ex was a narcissist who pretended to be poly in order to cheat- apparently/anecdotally there is a large crossover between narcs and poly, which is super illuminating if you consider a mono partner putting up with a poly partner/keeping the peace etc.
It's quite a thing in the younger queer community, that anything heteronormative is out and boring whether you like it or not, which is kinda ironic.
If it's done ethically, active rather than begrudging consent and communication are essential from all parties, which obviously can then be quite a few. Conversations around sexual health are essential.
I know a throuple (married het couple with a girlfriend) who seem happy but I think they like being seen as alternative and I also think the woman is gay but not ready to leave the husband/home security.
I believe it might work for some people and can seem attractive but it is more likely to turn into a total car crash in the longer run.

I know a throuple (married het couple with a girlfriend) who seem happy but I think they like being seen as alternative

Speaking from all the people I've met, I'm sure about 99% of poly people do it because they want to be seen as alternative, which is a frankly terrible reason to do anything, which is probably why it ends up in tears most of the time. I knew a lot of people who did it when they were younger, then they grew up.

More partners more problems I would think.

eeeww.

from my memory, Louis Theroux's documentary showed what a mess it can be (without him saying so obvs) there was one man, I think from the original heterosexual couple who was clearly very unhappy but didn't dare say so.

OP you need to be more realistic about what you want from relationships. One person will never fulfil all your needs. But that's fine because you aren't confined to just one person- you can have a spouse/SO and then have friends, family, children maybe....who will share other interests and meet other needs.