Polyamory

[uglyducklingx]

NC for this.

I have just watched a few documentaries on polygamy, I found it really quite interesting.

I think they are onto something. The older I get and the more failed relationships I have, I have begun to start believing that for me trying to attain all my needs from one person and another person attaining all their needs from me will be extremely challenging and quite honestly expecting too much.

I am not young, I'm late 40s and all my life I have dreamt of 'the one', the perfect relationship where one man will have my back, be supportive of my dreams, needs, give me the security I wanted, while I do the same for them, however, there's some needs I can't personally meet for them and vice versa which leaves one or the other becoming resentful.

With the polyamorous lifestyle there's that opportunity to have all your needs met, just by more than one person.

There was so much love in their various relationships, love that I haven't experienced in what I thought were my monogamous relationships (few cheats thrown in there).

Anyway, views?

ive been following sister wives the kody brown family for quite a while on tlc the whole idea of the show was to show that polygamy works over the years the family has fallen apart they lived in one house when he had three wives and they were all fairly young with dependent children he then took on a fourth younger wife who he really fell for, as the children have got older and so have the three original wives his children realise that he now has one favourite wife, he dosent want the original three wives the way he did then and there are huge rifts in the family now and over time has proved that long term polygamy dosent work

@Isseywith3witchycats

Sounds like the story of Joseph and the Technicolour Dreamcoat. 🤣

Polyamory and polygamy are not the same thing

I know someone who appeared in one of these documentaries, the C5 one from about 15 years back. Very much as the pp says - the wife said she was falling in love with another woman too, the husband agree to polyamory and while he was “ok” with it, it wasn’t a mutual decision really, he felt like he’d lose his wife if he said no, and he felt she’d had a rubbish childhood and he wanted to make her happy, so he decided to make the best of it. It wasn’t something he’d needed in his life.

Not exactly the same. Polyamory is multiple loving partners. Ethical non-monogamy is simply not being monogamous e.g. having an open relationship.

Makes me feel a bit queasy.

In all the documentaries I've watched about it there is always one in the relationship that has everyone else orbiting around him/her and there is always one that is deeply unhappy. None seem to last more than a decade.

The people you wish you were poly never are.

I never liked or understood it, but then I met someone in this kind of relationship and I totally got it. It’s not for me and my husband but I can understand why it might work. She has a lovely girlfriend who is married to a man she gets on work and there are no real issues of jealousy as they’re so open about what they want and need. Nothing is shameful or secret. And she has a boyfriend she sees every couple of weeks. All open. She’s happy with her relationships and sees them at different times for different reasons but also enjoys living alone for her own time. Such a nice person and made me much more open minded about the whole thing.

I have three friends who became a throuple. Two are married to each other and their marriage was always open. The third partner joined them on that basis and then it became permanent and closed.
It works well, but it isn't easy. It works because each member is scrupulously honest and fair. Occasionally, I am asked to assist, if there is an issue they can't resolve. It has given me an insight into polyamory, done properly. I don't recognise the description of polyamorists as egotistical or wanting to be seen as edgy or growing out of it.The youngest of these is late 50s.

I think it can work, but it's a lot of hard work and needs lots of openness and honesty about needs and feelings, which aren't going to stay the same as they were in the beginning. I think a lot of people aren't good at that working through that even when there are only two of them in the relationship.

Also, there's no legal precedent for it in Western cultures, which is likely to leave at least one person involved more vulnerable than the others, especially if the relationship breaks down.

You do need to be aware of sexual health, but a polygamous relationship isn't necessarily an open relationship, so there may very no more risk than in a conventional monogamous relationship.

I'm not totally sure that monogamy is the natural way - there are so many affairs and divorces. But it's certainly easier, and many people are fine with it.

I do think some people go into relationships (of any configuration) with a clear idea of how they expect it to work, and assume that the other person/people agree, or that they can get the other(s) to agree, rather than really discussing it and looking at compromises where all parties involved aren't in agreement. You don't have to read many threads on here about partners who don't do a fair share of housework or financial contribution etc etc, and at least some of those situations arise because one person assumes they'll go 50:50, and the other thinks, well, I work more or whatever, and things like that wil be even more challenging to resolve with more people involved, particularly if at least one is a self-entitled arsehole. Some people will be shots whatever sort of relationship they end up in.

(I am entirely single, and 'twas ever thus, so what do I know?)

It’s entirely unreasonable to expect all your needs to be met by one person.

Which is why I have friends. But hey if poly works for you then crack on

It’s not for me as a one man woman, but whatever floats your boat.

Hmm see DH only meets some of my needs. He filled a space in my life when I met him and has happily continued (yet we've both changed as we've grown older).
He has a life outside of me and I, one outside of him.
But, he does fulfil all of my sexual and intimate needs and has a more dominant place my in life.

I've been in an open relationship before (ethical non-monogomy). Works well for me personally and is my preferred type of relationship however my DH doesn't like it, so we don't do it.

I am a massive slut though and enjoy the chase.

I think different relationships work for different people. I don't think I could be in a throuple. Or have two concurrent serious relationships, nor would I like my partner to have another actual relationship. But casual sex, I'm fine with (strict sexual health rules adhered to).

Good luck with that...

Always think it is a lot of nonsense dreamed up by people who don't want to be described as casual sex seekers or commitment-phobes so instead re-branded themselves as seeking ''ethical non-monogamy''.

I think one relationship is hard enough to maintain so unless you have a lot of time on your hands I don't see how it is possible to have several relationships simultaneously with everyone feeling their needs are met.

If you have kids it must be rather confusing to have a parent with several partners. Plus there is the increased risk of STIs and issues with jealousy, insecurity and so on.

I met a few people who were into this type of lifestyle.Mostly it ended either in divorce or with the primary couple in the end doing the old fashioned thing and getting married or at least moving in with each other and having occasional casual sex with other people.

No way could you describe this as having a deep emotional connection with several people. It was about sex and nothing more.

I think you're absolutely spot on in that someone can't get everything they need out of 1 relationship. I think for the right people, it could work fabulously.

I'm far too insecure and jealous for that type of relationship but I think the theory behind it makes sense.

Thing is, even the most compatible couples piss each other off at times. If you have two partners, you could have two people pushing you off.

Also, why do you need a man to meet all your needs? That's a big ask. I find it easier to meet my own needs.

Also, why do you need a man to meet all your needs? That's a big ask. I find it easier to meet my own needs.

You don't necessarily. Plenty of women manage fine without a man. I agree no one person can meet all your needs, though, whatever their sex. If nothing else, you probably need at least one other person to blow off steam to when your spouse/partner/significant other/whatever has pissed you off, and there are always situations where it's good to get more than one perspective.