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Original poster

I feel so responsible for my nanas death ...what could I of done differently ?

49 replies

santascomingtotownn · 08/11/2022 13:38

My nan was 98 and I had been her carer for 18 years since I was 18.
She had dementia and was getting frailer but she still knew me and I loved her so much.
We had afternoon tea every Sunday and she would put her best clothes on and she said it felt like it was a nice day out.
I can't even explain how much I love her.
She had a fall and broke her hip.
I felt guilty for going to Tesco and leaving her.
I always told her don't stand up till I'm home -but you know what nanas her like.
Soon as she got in hospital social services wouldn't let her home.
Said she needed more care than just me and a care home was the "best " choice.
She started walking with a frame and I picked a care home.
I was heartbroken.
I thought I had picked a nice home but covid was happening so I couldn't visit her.
After been in there for 5 weeks when I rang her I could tell she wasn't well.
They waited a week for a doctor (saying it's normal old age)
It was a uti ,I told them the antibiotics she had been prescribed she was resistant too (this was the Friday )
They said they would ring back to gp.
Sunday they rang saying she was unresponsive.
The hospital said she was severely dehydrated and they put her on a drip.
They said the care home hadn't rang the gp again.
She had ulcers all on her little mouth.
They had left her to rot in the bed -they put a jug of water down but didn't make sure she was drinking.
The uti made her dementia worse
She died a month later has her kidneys failed and she couldn't fight

This was two years ago
I can't forgive myself for picking that care home
I needed to protect her
I let her down
I don't know how to move on

OP posts:
Original poster
santascomingtotownn · 08/11/2022 13:39

*nanas are like

OP posts:
Hbh17 · 08/11/2022 13:39

She was 98, so death was inevitably imminent. It was nobody's fault. You are not responsible.

FooFighter99 · 08/11/2022 13:43

Oh sweetheart, it wasn't your fault. Not at all. You spent 18 years caring for your lovely Nana and you absolutely did her proud!

I am so sorry she had such an undignified death, it breaks my heart, but it was taken out of your hands and the care home is the one responsible

Please don't let this tarnish the time you spent with her and your lovely memories of her

Please have a think about speaking to someone, either your GP or maybe a helpline, because grief can be a slippery slope and your Nana wouldn't want you to be blaming yourself like this

Abra1t · 08/11/2022 13:44

Flowers You did a fantastic amount for her and this is not your fault. You weren't running the home--they are responsible for the lack of care, not you.

The fact that she reached 98 tells you everything about how well you had cared for her.

It's very common to feel guilty when a loved one died and it's often not rational, just part of the grieving process. People have died who I was close to and I still think I should have done this or that.

tiredmumma8696 · 08/11/2022 13:44

I'm so sorry for the loss of your nan.

This was not your fault, it sounds like you did so much for her for years and had a wonderful relationship.

There is nothing to say the outcome would have been any different if she had been at home.

Have you spoken to anyone else about how you are feeling? Maybe some therapy would help come to terms with what happened and help you move on.

Mamoun · 08/11/2022 13:46

You sound like a lovely person.
The fact that Covid prevented people to visit care home is very very very sad.
She knew how much you loved her. She knew.
Sending all my love FlowersFlowersFlowers

ChakaKhanfan · 08/11/2022 13:46

Please don’t blame yourself.
why don’t you try and get in touch with your GP and ask for a referral for some bereavement counselling?

MyLovelyPen · 08/11/2022 13:47

You’re a truly wonderful human being and your nana was exceptionally lucky to have you ❤️.

I lost my dad during Covid in a care home - it was too sad 😢. I think you need someone to talk it through with x

fortifiedwithtea · 08/11/2022 13:56

Heartbreaking OP, Flowers with your love and care she reached 98 . You are not to blame. Please speak to your gp and ask for grief counselling.

BobbyBobbyBobby · 08/11/2022 14:02

She may or may not have received the best care but during those times when everyone was being mislead about Covid, the majority of people did their best for their families and in their workplace.

Some people were told not to come into work and that left others under enormous strain to provide care for many.

You did what you could and those caring for your nana did what they could.

You can rest assured that she knew you loved and cared for her so please relinquish any guilty feelings and replace them with the lovely memories you have of her.

Uninterestedfamily · 08/11/2022 14:02

I understand your feeling guilty, I feel guilt about a parent, but you did your absolute best for your nana. It's not your fault covid meant you couldn't keep a close eye on her care.

She lived a happy life to a wonderful age because of you.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 08/11/2022 14:04

You made her old age happy and delightful. Covid caused a lot of people to die in ways we would not choose. This is not your fault and all care homes were over run at the time so whichever one you chose the outcome would probably have been the same. You miss her, but she is at peace and she will have died with your love in her heart.

carefulcalculator · 08/11/2022 14:06

I'm so sorry Flowers

Have you considered counselling to help you?

Humans like to feel we can control things, but the reality is we try to make the best decisions and we are at the mercy of events.

carefulcalculator · 08/11/2022 14:06

she will have died with your love in her heart this is a lovely way to express it

Mariposista · 08/11/2022 14:08

Your post has made me so so sad. Please don't blame yourself OP. The love you had for your gran is evident, and you did your very best for her. Even if you had been in another room, she could have stood up and fallen (these elderly people are stubborn and think they are spring chickens still). You sound like a wonderful granddaughter and you have done far more than most would! May your lovely gran RIP.

TomTraubertsBlues · 08/11/2022 14:12

She was 98, and it was inevitable. Nothing you did was wrong. Counselling might be useful for you to help you accept it.

You say you were her carer from the age of 18 to 36 - what sort of adult life were you able to build for yourself in that time? Do you have a job, partner, social life etc? Are your own needs in life met?

Caring for others is noble, but you also need to make sure you keep yourself healthy too - mentally as well as physically. Put your own oxygen mask on first, always.

Lilliflip · 08/11/2022 14:15

It’s not your fault, you looked after her for so many years, you have done your best.
My Nan also died from covid in a care home aged 98, it’s very sad, but at that age combined with her physical frailty it was just to much to recover from, it was no one’s fault. Your man will have known how much you loved her.

Lilliflip · 08/11/2022 14:16

Man = Nan x

mamabear715 · 08/11/2022 14:16

Your Nana got to 98, sweetpea, you definitely did everything right, bless you..

I know how you feel about the ba*tard Covid, my mum was in a care home, Covid visited there too & she couldn't understand why they all had to be shut in their rooms, I'm sure that was the start of my mum's final decline, so if you want to blame anything, blame that.. (she also had a UTI..)

Get yourself out in nature, talk to your Nana as you're walking, she'll hear you.. ask her for signs if you believe.
The pain WILL fade, & you'll be able to remember her as she was, & not lying in a bed, big hugs to you..

Righthandcider · 08/11/2022 14:24

No useful advice OP, but as others have already said, you sound wonderful and gave your nana a wonderful 18 years of love and happiness.

None of what happened was your fault. It also sounds as though the lead up to her passing away may have been much less distressing for her than it was for you.

If she hadn't fallen that day, then her last few months would have come about in a different and possibly much harder way. Compared to what might have been, perhaps this was a relatively gentle ending after a long and happy time with you.

LearnerCook · 08/11/2022 14:24

None of what happened is your fault, OP. Instead, it's clear that you filled your Nanna's later years with love and care. She must have been so very proud of you. And I'm sure she'd want you to be kinder to yourself.

Whenever you feel a sad, angry or negative thought come into your head, try to replace it with a lovely, happy memory of your Nanna.

TicketToRideFan · 08/11/2022 14:28

You are right to feel safe, and to grieve, not just done a much loved Nana who was taken by old age, but by the loss of that relationship you had as her carer.

i think counselling could be a very positive thing for you. This service is free (this story is about baby loss but it is there for any kind of loss and operates on many parts of the UK).

they will help you work through your feelings, find peace and find joy in happier memories.

www.portsmouth.co.uk/health/free-bereavement-counselling-in-portsmouth-and-surrounding-areas-3862502?amp

TicketToRideFan · 08/11/2022 14:30

*sad, not safe

AliceS1994 · 08/11/2022 14:34

You have been the most caring and kind granddaughter she was so lucky to have you xxx

TabithaTittlemouse · 08/11/2022 14:34

It isn’t your fault. You looked after her as much as you could, you couldn’t have done any more.
Cherish those good memories and maybe have a look at grief counselling or CBT for the not so nice memories.
She was lucky to have you.

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