I feel so responsible for my nanas death ...what could I of done differently ?

[santascomingtotownn]

My nan was 98 and I had been her carer for 18 years since I was 18.
She had dementia and was getting frailer but she still knew me and I loved her so much.
We had afternoon tea every Sunday and she would put her best clothes on and she said it felt like it was a nice day out.
I can't even explain how much I love her.
She had a fall and broke her hip.
I felt guilty for going to Tesco and leaving her.
I always told her don't stand up till I'm home -but you know what nanas her like.
Soon as she got in hospital social services wouldn't let her home.
Said she needed more care than just me and a care home was the "best " choice.
She started walking with a frame and I picked a care home.
I was heartbroken.
I thought I had picked a nice home but covid was happening so I couldn't visit her.
After been in there for 5 weeks when I rang her I could tell she wasn't well.
They waited a week for a doctor (saying it's normal old age)
It was a uti ,I told them the antibiotics she had been prescribed she was resistant too (this was the Friday )
They said they would ring back to gp.
Sunday they rang saying she was unresponsive.
The hospital said she was severely dehydrated and they put her on a drip.
They said the care home hadn't rang the gp again.
She had ulcers all on her little mouth.
They had left her to rot in the bed -they put a jug of water down but didn't make sure she was drinking.
The uti made her dementia worse
She died a month later has her kidneys failed and she couldn't fight

This was two years ago
I can't forgive myself for picking that care home
I needed to protect her
I let her down
I don't know how to move on

Oh OP, you sound like a wonderful granddaughter and you had a wonderful relationship 💐Please try not to feel guilty, you really couldn’t have done more. Maybe try some counselling as a PP said.

If your Nana knew how you are feeling I imagine she'd give you a big hug and a kiss and say thank you for all the years of loving care you gave her.I

Don't dwell on the things that cannot and couldn't be changed, but remember your lovely Nan with all the fun things you did together.

So sorry OP it's not your fault, and your nanna knows that, I promise.

So sorry. It wasn't your fault. At the age she was, there is no saying that it wouldn't have happened at home either.

If covidhad never happened, you may never have had any reason to doubt the quality of that nursing home. At the beginning of covid, nursing homes were in chaos. It was an issue that no one had ever faced before and any staff who had possibly been in contact with a positive case had to isolate for two weeks, which put a huge strain on a small workforce trying to do everything. This could have happened in any care home.

You sound like a wonderful granddaughter who did a lot for her nana and its very clear from your post how precious to you she was. Covid took so much from so many people. You made the best decisions you could have made with the info and knowledge available to you at the time. You acted on the understanding that your nana would be looked after well and thoroughly by the care home and it sounds like ultimately they let you both down. You had no way of knowing this in advance or she never would have been there would she? This is not on you but having cared for someone you loved for so long it's a huge adjustment when they eventually pass away. Grief doesn't have a timeline, it comes and goes in waves and over time we grow around it. There will come a time when you'll be able to look back on all the beautiful, loving moments with your nana without it being just so painful but in the meantime you are allowed to feel sad/ angry/ betrayed/lost and everything else in between. If you're really struggling counselling might help you talk it through and process some of those really difficult feelings and that misplaced guilt. There's no right or wrong way to grieve someone you love you just need to give it time and be patient with yourself.

You sound like an angel. You kept her going for 18 years from age 80! And you were only a teenager yourself for some of that.

Your post is heartbreaking, I’m so sorry the system let her down but you have NOTHING to feel guilty for.

Please seek some talking therapy xxx

@santascomingtotownn - not your fault at all. She could have fallen at any point when you were not in the room. People in their late 80s and 90s can seem fine - get around, have a good conversation - but an illness (chest or urine infection) or fall can cause them to deteriorate and they never recover - I used to work in hospital and saw this a lot.

The sequence of events is common and it isn’t anything you have done. It is because As we get older our body is weaker and more frail. I’m so sorry her mouth was dry - this should have been attended to. I can’t comment on the care home - there is so much pressure on the health and care system, often there is a lot of under-staffing. You could not have done any more for her - if people were allowed to come in the home during covid - there may have been more covid transmission in the home and she and others may have caught it.

If I got to that point in my life I would be more concerned about the quality of the time I had left than the quantity. If my kids or grandchildren had the ability and inclination to care for me like you did your grandmother I would be blessed.

This is not your your fault 💐. Do you have a good friend or potentially go for counselling?

Your Nana sounds so lovely. Especially the part about dressing in her best for Sunday afternoon tea. She sounds lovely. What was she like? To be honest YOU sound lovely as well. What happened wasn’t your fault. She was very elderly and frail. Doesn’t make t any easier. X

Thank you everyone for your lovely replies
She would of been 100 tomorrow
She always said she wanted a telegram off the queen.
My nana was lovely.
When I was a baby and had whooping cough she stayed up all night incase I stopped breathing.
When I was little she would sing to me the old rugged cross - I remember that as if it was yesterday.
She loved her music -she loved max bygraves.
She was a mother figure to me after my mam died when I was 13 (her daughter ) she promised my mam she would look after me and she did.
I miss her so much
I cry more now for her than my mam and that makes me feel so guilty.
I just love her so much and don't think il ever be happy without her.

Huge hugs, @santascomingtotownn
I hope tomorrow isn't too painful for you.. be kind to yourself.. x

@santascomingtotownn

Please don't blame yourself you sound an amazing grand-daughter

Cherish the happy memories ❤️

I cried reading that. I love my Nanna endlessly, she's my best friend & I absolutely see how much you loved yours & looked after her.

You did all you could at the time & a lot of things at that time were completely out of your hands. You sound like an absolutely beautiful soul, still trying to deal with grief but maybe not allowing yourself to as you feel this guilt weighing on you so heavily?

You need some closure. It was clearly incredibly traumatic for you, understandably. How you seek that closure is up to you. Counselling? EMDR therapy I can personally recommend for dealing with past trauma.

Huge hugs for you. Your Nana wouldn't want you to feel like this for even a second xx

Your nana was very lucky to have you looking after her for so long. Sadly a lot of elderly people go badly downhill after a fall, and while the nursing home might have been lacking, she had dementia and was getting frailer, and her death sadly was inevitable. There is no way you could watch her 24/7 op, if she had stayed at home the result would probably have been much the same. Death is not pretty, and it is not kind, and its really hard when it happens to a loved one. You did your best for as long as you could, please be kind to yourself, that's what your lovely nana would have wanted.

Imagine yourself at 98, after being looked after your young grandaughter for 18 years before dying. I think you would feel immensely proud and lucky to have been blessed with such a caring grandaughter, and I bet you would be thinking "my dream is for her to go out there and live her life to the fullest now".

Please don't feel guilty! You have been an amazing family member

Bless you. Remember you made the best decision you could at the time. Forgive yourself and focus on remembering the good times.

Oh bless you. You did everything you possibly could have. Please don’t second guess all of the tiny decisions that led to her passing. Going to the shops was an absolutely normal, everyday thing to do and you’d probably done it a hundred times before with no issues.

I guarantee that your lovely nana would not want you to be feeling responsible in any way. You dedicated your young life to caring for her and she no doubt cherished every moment with you. She’d undoubtedly now want you to live this new chapter of your life to the fullest.

My grandparents passed away in care homes in their 90s and 100s. Even though they’d lived extremely long lives, it was still very hard to lose them. Focus on the time you had with her at home and the love you shared. Please try to let go of the guilt, you have no reason to feel anything other than pride for the beautiful relationship you fostered with your nana.

I’d be immensely proud to have raised such a caring, loving and beautiful daughter and granddaughter.

@santascomingtotownn oh lovely, my lovely nana also died at the age during Covid and I hadn't seen her for 6 months. I was devasted as she also brought me up. Try to live for her. What would she be proud of you for doing? Everytime I try to see or knit I think of mine. I wish she was here to guide me but she isn't so I do my best, just like she did

She sounded like an exceptional grandmother. Plus she had good taste in music. Grief is a funny thing. Keep talking to us lot if it helps ❤️

My mum is 96 and although she has several health conditions and is getting quite frail, she is lucky enough not to be still sharp of mind. I am one of 13 children, and between us we have managed to keep mum at home. Some of us look after her overnight care, the others do shifts during the day, bring her to appointments etc, and pitch in to get shopping, medication etc, and help keep her house and garden tidy. Even with so many of us we struggle at times, how on earth you have managed alone for so long seems incredible to me. You are amazing! Go out and live the life your nana would have wanted you to, in her honour.

lucky enough to be sharp of mind, that should say.

Think of what she would have wanted for you in life - she would definitely want you to be happy and not to be unhappy about her death. You did everything you could for her.

Nobody's fault? WTH?? Op listed the failings of the care home.
Maybe she would have died anyway but it's clear that the care home failed in their duty to her.

Op this is NOT your fault. You cared for your nan for 18 years. Almost half your life starting when you were still almost a child. That is incredible OP. To me you sound like a hero. You couldn't have known that the care home would do this. Also, maybe they weren't bad overall but just the member of staff caring for your nan was bad or just that last month was bad. Who knows?? It's definitely not your fault..please don't feel guilty. You should be proud of yourself for how much you added to your Nan's life. Looking after someone that isn't your child for 18 years is a big deal op.

If you want to blame then direct the blame at those that deserve it. The care home..if nothing else they owe you a few answers.

OP, from what I read she had two decades of being loved and well cared for, around a month of being ill and care not being what it should have been. Put it in perspective. The last few weeks of life can be grim, it doesn't mean that should overshadow everything. Or that it's your fault.

The care home should have done more. However at that time under covid, they were under lots of strain, which might have affected their ability to provide the right care. I don't think you should conclude it was a bad place or that you made the wrong choice. It might have been that everyone was doing their best but it didn't add up to your nana having the best end to life. I don't think telling yourself things like 'they left her to rot in bed' will do anything apart from to make you upset.

Anyway, you're not in your 90s. Get out and find things to fill your life with, you're feeling blue because you had such a lot of love to give and receive from your nana and now you don't have a focus for your love or energy. Find one. People, hobbies, animals. Your nana didn't bring you up to live like this, did she? Take her spirit with you and build a better life, leave all this in the past.

oh OP this is so sad to read and you absolutely did an amazing job. We are in a similar situation with my Nan. We don’t think the home she was in helped her - she was dehydrated they sent her to hospital to A&E. we’ve been to see her, helped her ear small amounts and given her water. She’s suddenly brighter and remembering people again. She’s late 80s. The hospital are waiting for a dementia home for her but there are none. So she’s stuck in hospital as her needs are too complex for the home. My Nan has said she just wants to go now as in die. We all have families/children it’s so hard to know what to do.

you were amazing to care for her for so long and 98 is an amazing age, on she reached it sounds like because she had you as a Granddaughter.