Do I give my children this option?

[BastardtheCat]

My 98 year old MIL passed away last night. She was our Queen and up until recently, was hands on and had a strong relationship with our DC. She is at the chapel of rest and we have the option of seeing her.

DC are 14 and nearly 17. Do I give them the option of seeing their beloved Grandmother? I'm a bit numb and not thinking clearly. Your thoughts are appreciated.

Personally I would not bring the subject up unless they do. I think their last memory of her should not really be of her in the COR but everyone is different, families and beliefs are different.

I would not suggest it to my kids at that age but that is just me, You know your kids.

Very sorry for your loss

I would myself. Just make sure they are well prepared for it. They are old enough to decide. I'm sorry for your loss.

To add to this, my children have seen a dead body from 12 up. They coped just fine. They only saw it after embalming and preparation.

At 14 and 17 they are old enough to make their own mind up.... just tell them that people can visit and see what they think.

Sorry for your loss.

I haven't ever visited a chapel of rest, so I'm not sure what that's like. But I have witnessed two people at the moment of death. It's not something I'd want a teenager to see.

There's a big difference between seeing a body that has not been prepared and one that has been. I'm the only one that saw a relative unprepared and I'm glad my children didn't have to see that.

I would let them decide.
My much younger children had seen several dead bodies by the time they were 9 and 12. In each case we gave them the choice.

I would let them make the decision at those ages

Personally I wouldn’t. I’d view the funeral as saying goodbye, not going to the chapel of rest. I’m sorry for your loss.

When my stepdad died, the bereavement nurse said it was wisest to allow the children to make their own informed decisions. They were younger than yours and COR wasn’t an option but funeral was.
I’d speak to them and let them know it may be distressing, but it’s an option. Of course if they would prefer to remember her in life that is absolutely fine too, and not disrespectful.

Very much depends for the 14 year old. For the 17 year old completely up to them.

In other countries people of any age would see the body. Totally normal for kids. Much healthier attitude IMO, why would a 14 and 17 year old need to be shielded from the notion of death?

I would absolutely offer them the option, mortuary assistants are masters of their skills and my gran looked far more peaceful in the COR than she did fighting for breath in the hospital before she died, that haunts me. The COR experience reassured me a lot and allowed me to say goodbye my way in private before the funeral

I also am used to a culture where seeing the body before funeral is the norm, and it would be completely normal, especially for teens. That said, t should be their choice, so go with what they want.

I would explain to them that some people want to see a person after they have died in the chapel of rest to give them some closure. But others don’t like it and prefer to just have their memories.

At that age I would give them the option. The Chapel of Rest will be a calm, peaceful place, they will make sure she looks nice.
I went to see my nan, though I was much older. I was very apprehensive buy it was fine when I was in there.
Sorry for your loss, she sounds like she was a grand old lady

I would let them know it's an option, seeing a body in the chapel of rest seems fine to me.

I can’t see any benefit in this at all. Let them remember happy times with her instead of having this as their last memory.

I think they are old enough to be given a choice, just be prepared to support them if they do go.

Obviously more usual in some cultures than others but if you're not used to this, you may be surprised how much more like themselves people look at this stage than when dying. I'd certainly give them the option. It can be a relief to see or touch someone once more without all the panic and apprehension that surrounds a last illness. And you're in control - can leave at any time.

Yes, I would give them the choice. But try to fully explain as much as you can about what they'll see. I'm sure there will be some really good guidance online about to how explain things to young people and help them how to decide what to do.

I would let them decide.

MIL died at home (she was living with us) very gently and peacefully. She was with us for the day until the undertakers came and both DGDs asked if they could say goodbye and see her. They are 9 and 6. They just popped into the room and waved goodbye to her. DGS 13 did not want to and that was fine as well.
Be guided by them but I would ask as they might feel it’s right for them to ask.

might NOT feel it’s right for them to ask

I'm sorry for your loss. My DC are a bit younger. At 14 and 17 I'd let them know it's a possibility, and also let them know that there is no expectation that they will or not, that it's a purely personal choice. They are old enough that they probably know that viewing a body is a "thing", or will do shortly, and could resent not having had the choice.