I’ve been told by two consultants that I need to relax - but how?!

[Nuttyhatch]

I think part of my nature is that I research things, so of course with anything medical I will research papers, stats and so on. I like to be as educated as possible so that I can advocate for myself better.

This might be why I am coming across to the consultants as someone who needs to relax? But I actually find the researching part of it reassuring, it makes me feel more in control.

So, with that aside, how do I… relax? I don’t fancy yoga in a cold dark hall. 😁

I tried acupuncture and it was £70 I’ll never get back.

I love massages but really can’t afford them right now.

Have you tried things like mindfulness? Try the headspace or calm app…. You can usually get a free trial?

What do you enjoy, OP?

Walking is incredible. Not because you're going from A to B - just walking. Ideally in nature on a regular basis. So simple but makes such a huge difference. It's the east access version of meditation - which is what I would recommend adding once you've got a good walking routine.

Exercise. Your body takes it from there.

I second the walking suggestion.

Even better if you can do it in woodland (look up forest bathing), or along a beach to take in the salty air.

There’s absolutely nothing wrong with researching from reliable sources so that we can have an informal discussion with our HCPs. I do this. Some appreciate it, others don’t and might not want to have a long discussion or have the time to do so.

Do you think you need to relax? I think it’s a case of finding out what works for you. Personally I like gym classes whether it’s cardio or something like pilates. I can’t do the mindfulness stuff though I understand it helps others. Even dancing round your kitchen to loud music singing into your wooden spoon can help relax. Or perhaps going for a walk or having a coffee with a friend and putting the world to rights.

I've never relaxed even at yoga tbh.

What is it that you are researching? Are the consultants dismissing your concerns?

Are you anxious? If so, the first line advice is usually
exercise eg walks outside,
good diet,
good sleep hygiene & routine. (I'm enjoying sleep hypnosis videos on YouTube.)

I'd add in small every day things that make you happy- see friends, read a good book, cook something nice etc

Then do something to help someone else every day- takes your focus off yourself for a bit and can make you feel better about yourself.

I wouldn't stop the research, if it helps you. If it promotes anxiety, I'd knock it on the head.

Well, stop with the Googling and "researching" because it sounds like it actually doesn't help you. Maybe it comes with age, but eventually we all learn to accept that "what will be, will be" so maybe you need some therapeutic support to help you stop worrying and be more accepting. Remember, the only certainties in life are death and taxes!

Humm depends OP....

I do a lot of research as well, same as you 🤷🏻‍♀️ but I use that knowledge to understand what the doctor is telling and to ask relevant questions and not to talk over them........ is that maybe what you're doing, even unconsciously?........ and getting worked up?

Think about the situation in which the doctor (or doctors) said that you needed to relax

You can't relax until you feel safe. You obviously don't feel safe. What do you need to make you feel safe?

I’ve been told the same! Not managed it yet….

This! Psychologically safe - physical is important, but emotional safety is key.

It’s more after yoga that you feel relaxed but you have to do it regularly to make s a difference. It gives your brain something mundane to focus on - hand here / foot here/ breathe slowly etc - so the critical thinking / over analysing section of your brain doesn’t get a look in for a short time. The more you do yoga the more you can activate that mental state at will.

Exactly. When consultants say relax they really mean "I want you to trust me and my ability to help."

Not saying that you necessarily should or shouldn't, because sometimes those signals are valid and I won't gaslight you out of them. Sometimes though we're worried about other elements.

Cooking, baking, reading, painting… this question has made me think that perhaps my issue is not finding the time for me to do these things. I used to be a voracious reader but think I’m only up to three books this year!

Safe in what way?

What is safe is up to you. You have to be able to let go, to trust other people, to believe that others have your best interests at the forefront and are working for your benefit. If you have a history of abusive relationships then you probably won't believe any of that, because experience.had taught you that isn't true. Likewise if you've been let down by people in authority before then you won't trust these ones. If you can listen to your feelings then you might find out what the reasons are. I'm sure you have reasons and that are very good ones.

They’re not dismissing my concerns as such. It’s more me researching the evidence base, treatment options, stats, outcomes of each etc. And to be fair, some of the things I’ve brought up as a suggestion they’ve said, “yes ok we can do that.” So I do think the self-advocacy is a good thing in this regard.

Do you feel you need to relax @Nuttyhatch ? I don’t think researching the outcomes of different treatment options is necessarily a bad thing.

I find "relax" being said by consultants to be terribly demeaning and somewhat grandstanding by them.

You haven't mentioned what your issue is

If its something like getting your tonsils out or a very routine procedure, then yes I am likely to agree with them and say relax, this is something that is common and dealt with daily in a hospital environment.

If it is a rarer, chronic or a disease which has many different treatment options then l belive you have every right to keep questioning and researching BUT not to the detriment of your own mental wellbeing. Lots of illness have groups, online or in real life and I have found them very valuable to be able to toss ideas back and forth (be careful for the weirdos/the poor me's and the Debbie Downers)

Maybe give yourself a set time a day for research - no middle of the night googling (my personal downfall). Try and enjoy the things you did before as much as you are able. Reading sounds good - very easy to get lost in a book and block out real life.

The suggestions up thread are great too - but I don't know if you're being affected mobility wise, books usually can be enjoyed by anyone, even audio might be helpful - I recently found there are quite a few on the free part of Spotify as well, which saves on an audible subscription

Good luck and I hope you can come to an agreement with your consultants which leads to the best treatment outcomes.

It’s infertility treatment @MrsDeWinter. I have just downloaded Audible!

Just an idea, because it’s still not clear what kind of issue it is…

Have you researched polyvagal theory? Parasympathetic nervous system and the sympathetic, rest and digest vs fight/flight etc?

If you read up on it, think about it in the context of how couples often conceive naturally very soon after they give up on infertility treatment.

Is the consultant perhaps meaning you need to be in rest/digest mode more to let your body get into creation mode? You can’t create when you’re in fight/flight battle mode. Is researching perhaps keeping you in battle mode - your energy spent on battling rather than allowing?

2 Consultants sounds like several medical problems.

The biggest contribution you can make to their medical treatment of your condition, is adapting your daily life to reduce stress, avoid tension, improve quality of sleep, diet, and time spent in fresh air.

Being too busy or over-stimulated is stressfull. One could be less available to demands from others; cut out boring "social duty" stuff ; do less cleaning, driving, socialising, spend less time on line and on screens.

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Reading, walking, singing, dancing, sex, cooking are all ways to relax.

You can do yoga, relaxation and meditation in the comfort of you own home