Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

Adolescent DD seems almost repulsed by me... normal??

47 replies

PinkTrackies · 04/11/2022 23:27

DD (just 13) has recently switched from being really close to me (her mum) to often acting like I'm kind of repugnant. So if I go to hug her, she'll sometimes not just shy away but also look at me like she's properly grossed out by me. I have an older DS, and he never did this, so I wasn't sure if this can be a standard part of adolescence...? No particular other issues that I know of for DD.
Anyone else's child so/done this?
TIA

OP posts:
JudyGemstone · 04/11/2022 23:29

Er, only every teenager since time immemorial!

don’t worry, it passes!

Original poster
PinkTrackies · 04/11/2022 23:31

JudyGemstone · 04/11/2022 23:29

Er, only every teenager since time immemorial!

don’t worry, it passes!

Thank you @JudyGemstone - this is very helpful to hear. I feel a bit pathetic saying it, but I can't help feeling quite hurt and taken aback

OP posts:
edwinbear · 04/11/2022 23:47

DS 13 is the same - until he wants cash, food or a lift. Then I’m the best mum in the world.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Discovereads · 04/11/2022 23:49

Very common. At that age, mum giving them a hug is embarrassing and awkward. They grow out of it but the hugs become adult hugs, the long child cuddling hugs never come back.

Stupidbonfire · 04/11/2022 23:50

I’m 42 and i even remember feeling like this about my mum! It’ll pass. Sorry I’m sure it’s tough atm, I’m dreading my 2 getting to that stage

Original poster
PinkTrackies · 05/11/2022 07:45

edwinbear · 04/11/2022 23:47

DS 13 is the same - until he wants cash, food or a lift. Then I’m the best mum in the world.

Ha! Yes, it's definitely different when she's after a trip to New Look

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkTrackies · 05/11/2022 07:46

Discovereads · 04/11/2022 23:49

Very common. At that age, mum giving them a hug is embarrassing and awkward. They grow out of it but the hugs become adult hugs, the long child cuddling hugs never come back.

Yes this makes sense. Thank you

OP posts:
determinedtomakethiswork · 05/11/2022 07:47

Yes, I remember my daughter actually flinching. It's very very hurtful, especially if you've had a really close relationship before that.

Original poster
PinkTrackies · 05/11/2022 07:47

Stupidbonfire · 04/11/2022 23:50

I’m 42 and i even remember feeling like this about my mum! It’ll pass. Sorry I’m sure it’s tough atm, I’m dreading my 2 getting to that stage

Interesting you can remember feeling this way @Stupidbonfire . Perhaps I can too, if I really think back...

OP posts:
Chomolungma · 05/11/2022 07:48

DS (nearly 17) went through this phase a few years ago - I would go to hug him and he would leap away from me. Luckily he's now happy to hug me again, and DD age 15 hasn't yet hit this phase (so maybe won't?).

Chomolungma · 05/11/2022 07:49

Oh but I do recognise pp comment that DS's hugs are now 'adult hugs' rather than child cuddles.

Original poster
PinkTrackies · 05/11/2022 07:50

determinedtomakethiswork · 05/11/2022 07:47

Yes, I remember my daughter actually flinching. It's very very hurtful, especially if you've had a really close relationship before that.

Oh yes, DD flinches too. I feel kind of silly about it, but it does hurt, doesn't it? It was just a few weeks ago when DD merrily told me I was her very best friend and always would be. Now she can't stand me most of the time!

OP posts:
Paq · 05/11/2022 07:51

Keep gently checking in with her periodically to make sure nothing big is bothering her. Otherwise just try to be philosophical, it will pass. DD nearly 15 here is becoming much more pleasant after a nearly 2 year sulkfest.

pictish · 05/11/2022 07:51

Normal. My thirteen yr old daughter is very scathing of me and doesn’t want hugs. It’s “mum mum mum” when she wants something though.

They’re striving for independence and don’t want to be babied any more. It’s a natural aversion to being infantilised even when we intend it with the utmost affection.

Original poster
PinkTrackies · 05/11/2022 07:52

Chomolungma · 05/11/2022 07:48

DS (nearly 17) went through this phase a few years ago - I would go to hug him and he would leap away from me. Luckily he's now happy to hug me again, and DD age 15 hasn't yet hit this phase (so maybe won't?).

Fingers crossed your DD won't do this. At 15, you might be out of the main mum-disgust zone, if she's already through puberty?

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkTrackies · 05/11/2022 07:55

Paq · 05/11/2022 07:51

Keep gently checking in with her periodically to make sure nothing big is bothering her. Otherwise just try to be philosophical, it will pass. DD nearly 15 here is becoming much more pleasant after a nearly 2 year sulkfest.

Thank you @Paq - yes, will try remember to keep trying to check in on any big stuff

OP posts:
musingsinmidlife · 05/11/2022 07:55

Absolutely normal. Teens start to want their own identity and independence and they don't transition through that developmental shift gracefully or kindly much of the time. They have a lot of thoughts and feelings they don't understand and so they go to extremes in their actions as a way of communicating that they want space or want more independence or are confused. Parents become an embarrassment who are out of touch and who only seem to want to mess with or overly involve themselves or ruin the teen's life.

Not all teens go through adolescence the same way but it isn't about you. It is about them and a completely normal developmental change as they age through puberty and shift from children to adults over the years. There is a lot of change that happens in a relatively short time to get from childhood to adulthood and they don't have a manual or even a well developed brain to navigate this journey so it comes with alot of angst and irritability and annoyance and confusion.

Original poster
PinkTrackies · 05/11/2022 07:56

pictish · 05/11/2022 07:51

Normal. My thirteen yr old daughter is very scathing of me and doesn’t want hugs. It’s “mum mum mum” when she wants something though.

They’re striving for independence and don’t want to be babied any more. It’s a natural aversion to being infantilised even when we intend it with the utmost affection.

Thanks @pictish - this makes sense. Hope you're doing ok with it with your DD

OP posts:
Kabbalah · 05/11/2022 07:56

JudyGemstone · 04/11/2022 23:29

Er, only every teenager since time immemorial!

don’t worry, it passes!

Absolutely. It’s an unwritten law.

Original poster
PinkTrackies · 05/11/2022 07:58

musingsinmidlife · 05/11/2022 07:55

Absolutely normal. Teens start to want their own identity and independence and they don't transition through that developmental shift gracefully or kindly much of the time. They have a lot of thoughts and feelings they don't understand and so they go to extremes in their actions as a way of communicating that they want space or want more independence or are confused. Parents become an embarrassment who are out of touch and who only seem to want to mess with or overly involve themselves or ruin the teen's life.

Not all teens go through adolescence the same way but it isn't about you. It is about them and a completely normal developmental change as they age through puberty and shift from children to adults over the years. There is a lot of change that happens in a relatively short time to get from childhood to adulthood and they don't have a manual or even a well developed brain to navigate this journey so it comes with alot of angst and irritability and annoyance and confusion.

Thanks @musingsinmidlife - this is really helpful to read

OP posts:
OrangePumpkinLobelia · 05/11/2022 07:59

musingsinmidlife · 05/11/2022 07:55

Absolutely normal. Teens start to want their own identity and independence and they don't transition through that developmental shift gracefully or kindly much of the time. They have a lot of thoughts and feelings they don't understand and so they go to extremes in their actions as a way of communicating that they want space or want more independence or are confused. Parents become an embarrassment who are out of touch and who only seem to want to mess with or overly involve themselves or ruin the teen's life.

Not all teens go through adolescence the same way but it isn't about you. It is about them and a completely normal developmental change as they age through puberty and shift from children to adults over the years. There is a lot of change that happens in a relatively short time to get from childhood to adulthood and they don't have a manual or even a well developed brain to navigate this journey so it comes with alot of angst and irritability and annoyance and confusion.

This and also it is entirely healthy (and even desirable!) for them to go through this process. Otherwise I guess they get stuck in child and dependant mode.

It's not nice to be on the receiving end though!

Original poster
PinkTrackies · 05/11/2022 08:02

Thanks all - this has been really helpful. I have a feeling the dog is going to be getting a lot of hugs while I get used to DD not wanting them !

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkTrackies · 05/11/2022 08:03

@OrangePumpkinLobelia interesting thought that this is actually desirable /necessary. Useful

OP posts:
RoseHarper · 05/11/2022 08:05

So needed to read this today, understanding the "why" makes it a bit less hurtful.

HeBeaverandSheBeaver · 05/11/2022 08:05

Absolutely normal and necessary

Natures way of us and them letting go.

By the time they are 18/20/21 you are more than happy to see them leave home. Lol

Trouble is now it's too expensive to go

Swipe left for the next trending thread