Depressed at work, is it okay to leave work and do nothing?

[Autumn999]

Hello everyone,

Lately, I have become increasingly frustrated thinking about the fact that I spend (waste) the best part of my waking hours and all my energy at work. My earnings are average, not too low and not very high, but good enough to survive on. However, I constantly think about work, even after I have wrapped up for the day. I work long hours, first thing I think of in the morning is about work related issues /meetings etc.

I know a lot of it may stem from issues such as low self esteem, confidence, imposter syndrome etc., but the end result is that for 5 days a week all I am doing is “work” or thinking about “work” and totally neglecting health, wellbeing, socialising with friends/family or even exercise! Tried setting boundaries, but have not been very successful.

My questions are:

1. Does anyone else feel like this?
2. Is it okay to leave work and stay at home? [My husband also works, and we have no children, so if I leave work, we will need to make compromises and cut down outgoings, but we should be able to just get by. ]

Looking for words of wisdom, advice or any shared experiences.

thanks in advance x

I think everyone feels like this!

I don’t feel like that; they don’t pay you to think about work when you’re not there so don’t

Can’t you find a new job or go part time? If you could technically juggle your finances not to work at all what about moving to a lower paid/part time, less stressful job to give yourself more balance?

I feel like this a lot, but unfortunately financially it’s not an option for me to voluntarily earn less than I do right now :(

😒I think so too at some level, as whenever I discuss this with someone, everyone says how tired they feel, how busy they are, and just playing catch up with everything. But even then, people (including me) still slog for all hours at work!

I don’t feel like that, could you look at going part time instead or retraining?

What would happen if you paid a lot less attention at work? Unless you are a HCP then probably you can slack off more than you are….

Your choices are very stark - stay or quit but there is a lot of middle ground that you could try first

I have been trying to do that. I think people are just wired differently. I have friends who can compartmentalise work / life for the most part, however, I really struggle with this.

do you have any tips or anything that works for you?

I’d ignore what other people say about work. If I am talking to a miserable friend I don’t tell them how easy my job is ! That would be rude

what do you want to do? There is always more shit to do at work so no point flogging yourself to death for it

Surely you should be asking your husband this if you leaving work means just being able to get by?

Is he happy to support your lifestyle?

Thank you @Changingplace and @bobtheveryoldBuilder . Yes, I understand my options are quite stark. I have been feeling so burned out and overwhelmed at work, that I don’t have the energy to think about another job or go through an interview process and start somewhere new. Hence, the drastic thought of just quitting and not doing anything.

No, I am not HCP, but work in an area where we have false sense of urgency - management consulting. I have been meaning to “pay less attention” or “do less”, but this is my problem that I try and put in 200 % at work, and am constantly out to prove something (not sure what!) which takes a toll obviously.

My irrational fears that force me to work harder

1. I feel afraid when I give less than 120 percent, and even after that I doubt myself, I.e., have I been productive enough!
2. I have been receiving good feedback etc., but still I am constantly worried and stressed that someone will catch me out

When I had started out, I used to be quite excited, but 15 years down the line, I feel burned out.

I think you need a change OP.

The job is no longer exciting you and just causing you stress.

Work is good for people's sense of purpose and self worth so you may find you feel worse and lose confidence just staying home.
Can you go for a complete career change? What have you always fancied doing? University course?
Consult a careers advisor

Ah yes, management consulting- all makes sense. I swear the industry runs on getting people to do 50% (++) more than scoped/strictly necessary.

have you considered an adjacent field/role? I moved from project delivery/management to a purely sales role at another consultancy where they separate those functions (in many companies sales is just another responsibility), and my workload was 25% what it was before at higher pay + commission. I still felt massive guilt initially about how little I was working, and it was a. It of a process to unwind/step back,but eventually it happened and I have a much healthier relationship with work.

project delivery in management consulting is always going to be tough, as you are only as good as your most recent project and they like to keep you jumping for the next hoop. For years I thought my obsessive approach to work was how I was wired- and it is partly- but work culture is a major contributor

Thanks @StrataZon . Yeah perhaps, I do. I am not sure if I ever fancied doing something specific. Complete career change, again falls in the scary territory. But I will consider the idea of consulting a careers advisor, thank you for the suggestion. Do you have any recommendations?

Also, have you considered freelance? I do that now on the project delivery side. Money is great and I mostly work for ex employers when they have a capacity or skill crunch. When they pay for each hour they are far more pragmatic about what is required vs indentured servant salaried employees.

I only work a couple of days a week on average but earn 2/3 -3/4 full time salary. It does come in peaks and troughs though, so better if you are not totally dependent on the income

Well, what if your husband wanted to do the same? I certainly wouldn’t be prepared to work to support my partner if they chose to give up work.

It sounds more like you need either a career change/new job, or some therapeutic work around setting and managing boundaries and your own stress/thoughts.

Could you request to go part time?

How does your husband feel about supporting you if you give up?

This is resonating so much and very reassuring too. Thanks for sharing your experience.

I totallly agree, and part of my frustration comes from the fact:

1. you have barely jumped one hoop when they expect you to start jumping through the next
2. project delivery is just a hygiene factor, and any growth will come from doing all of the extra work around it, so sales for example

Hence, you are always made to feel inadequate. “You are doing great, but here are your next steps…”

I will try and look up some opportunities in the market, but honestly, I feel so dead / burnt out that have zero energy. May be will take a break, and will think through this.

Really happy for your transition to a life with better W/ L balance.

Yes yes. If your partner is supportive.
I felt utterly consumed by work and I've has a break for 2 months and done NOTHING and feel 100x better. I'm going to look for something part time for a few months now and reassess next year.
We have cut back on spending.
I know im in privileged position and my husband been v supportive and has said while he doesn't want me unemployed forever that it's nice to see me happy and around again!
Don't let anyone make you feel guilty. As long as your relationship is OK its ok to do nothing!

He has seen me struggling over the past 2 years, and in fact brought it up and happy to support me if I go ahead and quit my job.

I was more worried, but he feels that the trade off that we will have as a couple, where I am not going to be perpetually stressed and zoned out, but will have more time to spend together, and be at peace and present, is worth it.

This will also give me the time to look after all the life/house admin, and free up some of my husband’s time. Whereas currently, like all other FT working people, we work 10-12 hour days, and then dedicate our weekends to chores / admin stuff.

I will be supportive of him too, as he is of me. Yes, I have considered part time too /as well as job change / setting boundaries.

My blockers are:

1. My work leaves me with zero energy to invest in job hunting
2. at this point feel seriously burnt out
3. setting boundaries have not worked successfully, but as one pp suggested this could be a combination of org culture and my attitude

Thank you for sharing your experience. Yes, I completely agree with this. I find myself wondering, what is the point of additional income IF all we are doing is “staring at a screen” for the next part of the day and then no energy to do anything else.

But why have not yet pressed the “quit” button, is also I feel most of us have create dour identities around “work”. At least I have, so my self worth (which is already low) comes from the work I do?! I am not sure, how I will deal with letting go of that, and relating a more balanced / healthy sense of self worth :)

I felt like this In Other jobs - moved around a lot and been settled in current work place almost 4 years now and I love it there - never take work home, don’t dread going in on Mondays after the weekend

its a lovely relaxed place

maybe it’s this particular job ??

I fail to even dream that there could be such workplaces. Yes, definitely one of the contributing factors is the area I am in - management consulting. If you don’t mind sharing, what sort of field / area of work are you in?

I agree you need a change, but doing nothing is not an option, certainly not for your mental health. When you talk about being under pressure to achieve, have you thought about going back to basics and doing "just a job", ie unskilled, part time work just to allow yourself to breathe and reset?

I work in payroll and office management @Autumn999 ive worked the same job in awful companies - but current place is lovely.

I guess I’m lucky that my job is transferable to basically all industries

have a think about what skills you have that are transferable to other roles to get yourself out of that industry

how long have you been in this current job for ?