My friend I've known for over 30 years, just doesn't bother to keep in touch now. ☹

[Wisteriabloom]

We only live 5 minutes walk from each other, too! We're both in our early 50's, been close friends since college days.

Her mum died about 6 months ago (she lived with her, and was her main carer), so I realise she's going through a lot of hurt. 🤔 I'm unsure whether to reach out any more though, as she seemed to change about 2 years ago, just completely stopped contacting me unless I did her. She'd reply promptly and turn up, but a catch-up would only happen if I instigated. It used to be about 50/50.

She did text me to say her mum had passed away, I said how sorry I was and a few days later, took flowers & a sympathy card round. She seemed pleased to see me, and myself & another friend of hers (she hardly hears from her either now), went to the funeral, as support for her. No contact from her afterwards though, not even a text to say she appreciated us coming.

Another month went by with no contact, so I messaged to ask if she was ok, and did she fancy a coffee catch-up. We met up (this was July!), we're now in November and still radio silence from her. ☹ She did message me, thanking me for sponsoring her for an event she participated in for Cancer Research, (her mum's charity) in early September, but again, nothing since. I wish I could read her mind. I don't want her to think I don't care, but I'm reluctant to reach out again in case she's just deliberately 'phasing me out' and hopes I'll take the hint.

I feel very sad about it tbh, we've not fallen out, I've not upset her as far as I know, and I miss her. Earlier this year I took a birthday present round to her (she was out, so I gave it to her mum). All I got was a text saying 'Thanks for the prezzie. x' A lot of thought went into choosing it, and she gave me no indication whether she even liked it!

Would you reach out again, or just leave it? I've always been someone who has a few 'close' friends rather than a big group, so this feels a big deal to me.

Reach out again. You have been friends a long time and the change between being a live in carer and her mum dying is huge. Give her another chance- she may be struggling to move on.

She might be getting grievance counselling and it might be triggering her to reassess her relationships in general.

She might need time to digest all the upheaval she has recently gone through.

You and the other friend could arrange coffee, and invite her along, in the knowledge that there are two of you going anyway, so it's her choice to join or not, no pressure if it doesn't suit her.

I wouldn't give up on her just yet, she might be trying to sort out probate, the house, her mum's belongings. She might be trying to protect herself right now, and might not have a lot of light hearted joy to bring to the friendship right now.

I imagine that being a carer for their mother would make anyone feel low and then when they die perhaps the emotions are further upset.

It sounds like she can function ok but has a very low mood which causes her to be reclusive.

Why not ask her round to yours or out for cake and coffee and be direct with her. You are very old friends and you don’t want to say or do the wrong thing but would like to see more of her and have a few outings etc as you kiss her company.

Shw will either be pleased at your interest or will politely decline.

I would try again but with something that leaves the ball in her court. Something like “I’ve been thinking of you and wondering how you’re getting on but don’t want to intrude. If you fancy meeting up for a coffee or lunch anytime just text and we’ll arrange something . Hope you’re okay x” If I got no response I think I would leave it at that point.

Id reach out with something like this:

Dear X I'm just checking in, we have been friends for so long and I often think about you. I know the last few years have been difficult for lots of people and also the loss of your lovely mum is also hard. I wanted to say I'm always here if you wanted a chat, a walk or a coffee, the door is always open. Take care.

Then leave it at that. You have laid your cards on the table.

I would try again but with something that leaves the ball in her court. Something like “I’ve been thinking of you and wondering how you’re getting on but don’t want to intrude. If you fancy meeting up for a coffee or lunch anytime just text and we’ll arrange something . Hope you’re okay x” If I got no response I think I would leave it at that point
I would do this.

As someone who has experienced a lot of loss, grief can paralyze you and make you appear much more antisocial than you really want to be, as you feel overwhelmed and numb. I really doubt she is trying to phase you and your other friend out. As someone already menrioned she could be suffering from depression and/or anxiety. One symptom of grief can be loss of pleasure. It could also be hard for her if you have not had a major bereavement in your life as she may feel you don't relate or may find it painful right now if you have a good relationship with your mum for example.

If she is grieving she may find it really hard to get out of bed, off the sofa or to be motivated to go anywhere or do anything. I would call her and tell her youbreally miss her and know she has been going through a lot in the past couple of years (+ covid on top of all of this). Tell her you would really like ro come and see her and can you bring lunch or dinner? The first year of grief is particularly acute and she may not even be looking after herself very well.

Whatever you do, don't give up. Call her regularly, send emails and cards. It may be that she cannot reciprocate very well right now. The worst thing would be to allow her to become isolated.

I would also not be hard on her if she seems thoughtless at times (not thanking you) especially if this is out of character, this is also common when people are grieving as they can be preoccipied and emotionally distant but not because they wanr to be. Grief can come in waves, while one day she is running a marathon and the next day home alone crying.

Of course none of this may be the case but I have witnessed a lot of grief to find these rhings common.

Thank you all, yes, maybe that's the way to put it, invite her to reach out to me if she wants to. I do know she's looking at selling the house, I wonder if she'lI even stay local. I was in two minds about going to the funeral, as she hadn't told me the details. The friend I went with, found out from someone when & where it was, and offered me a lift. I felt it important to go, as I thought a lot of her mum. But did she want us there? Hmm, I'm not sure. At the Wake afterwards she sat with her family (natural, I know) and only joined us when the friend I was with called her over.

It's recently been Halfterm (I work in a school). Sometimes in school hols I'd meet her for lunch as I have more time then. Again, the last few times it's been me who suggested it, so I waited this time, but again, no contact. 🤔 She'd have known it was Halfterm, washer sister also works in school.

I'll try once more, and yes, maybe it's easier if the 3 of us plan to meet. It doesn't look she'll take the initiative herself.

I'm going against the grain here to suggest that actually it's a bit unfair to put the ball in her court. Normally I would say friendships should be 50/50 but in this case she may be having a really tough time just getting out of bed in the morning so to expect her to reach out if she needs you is never going to work. I understand your fear that she may be phasing you out but perhaps you could still reach out to her and initiate something, just do it a bit less often in case it's unwelcome.

When I've experienced grief there's been weeks where I haven't brushed my hair or my teeth, texts from friends just didn't register on days like that. When I'd recovered enough to work I still couldn't face the idea of having coffee with a friend in case I broke down crying or couldn't think of anything to say. I hated the idea of being a drain on other people's happiness but I couldn't find anything light to talk about as my life sort of froze in time for a year and I lost my sense of fun.

I would reach out again to her.

I was in a similar situation to your friend and my DM died about 6 months ago too. In the time since her death, I have been adapting to my new life without her. I have had my hands full with ongoing admin regarding her financial affairs and am also trying to decide what to do with the property we shared. I have had my ups and downs especially recently when I have felt really gloomy. I am trying my best to maintain friendships and contact with people but I can tell that I'm not exactly oozing enthusiasm!! What I do know is that I am grateful to my friends who are texting me and arranging to see me. I would persist with your friend and invite her round for a coffee and a catch up.

I’d say reach out to her.
After DP died I found in my widows group there was a thing known as the 6 month dip. It hit me slightly later than 6 months but when I sank, I really, really sank. Just say you care about her and are there for her — it means a lot even tho she may not feel sociable.

Bereavement can leave you barely able to function let alone maintain friendships, And being alive in carer takes a massive toll ebcause you have nothing to talk about. Your life slows down and becomes so dull you live in a sort of servile stupor. Add bereavement to hat and Covid and she has probably lost all her social skills.

Can you think of some low key activity that she used to enjoy - eg a walk around a National Trust garden and tea - that you and your mutual friend could invite her to? Just say you both love her and want to treat her to a day out.

Alternatively, you could offer some practical support. Say, 'I don't want to intrude but I do want to help. If you need someone to help you sort through stuff or do some cleaning in the house, I am available.'

It may be that she is still grieving for her mother, which can have a huge effect on personal relationships.
Let her know that you still thinking of her, and hopefully one day she will respond to you.

I am crap at contact when I'm depressed and then overthink getting back in touch because I'm embarrassed.

If she always responds positively when you contact her, then I would absolutely keep contacting her. She's had a tough time - presumably her mother was unwell before she died - and she may not have the bounce to reach out and plan social stuff, but I feel sure she would love to hear from you and see you.

You say she fizzled out a bit a couple of years ago. But she lived with her mum and was her carer, so covid? Maybe the health issues were becoming harder for her to deal with. Her mum obviously needed a lot of care which would have taken up
a lot of time and energy. And her mum and housemate has now gone. She’s likely all over the place and has been for a while in the lead up to her death so in the nicest possible way she’s had a lot on her plate and is grieving and you’re making it about you and whether she’s phasing you out and suggesting she should have thanked you more for attending the funeral. She’s gone through something huge, you should understand that and be there for her.

Six months is nothing given her mum actually lived with her, she might have developed depression, anxiety, be seriously struggling.

I would absolutely reach out and would have tried to fix a day to see her most weeks a long time ago. You sound distant. Just dropping by when she probably needs much more, and doesn't want to be a burden with her sadness.

30 years is a huge amount of time. Don't let her down op. I would do all of the organising for now without a thought.

Please don't give up on her. She's still processing stuff and she needs you to just be 'there'.

For a while the friendship will be a bit one way.

Caring for parents before they pass away and then the grief and shock of their death (even if expected) is enormous. Factor in the processing all the feelings that hit you afterwards (guilt, etc) it's no surprise that just for a while she's got no headspace to think about anyone else.

This was me 3 years ago and certainly during that first year at times it was like I was wading through treacle whilst underwater. But my friends didn't abandon me. They just loved me and gave me space without judgement.

If she is grieving she may find it really hard to get out of bed, off the sofa or to be motivated to go anywhere or do anything. I would call her and tell her youbreally miss her and know she has been going through a lot in the past couple of years (+ covid on top of all of this). Tell her you would really like ro come and see her and can you bring lunch or dinner? The first year of grief is particularly acute and she may not even be looking after herself very well.

This, and only this. It's so hard to do anything during this period of grief and to be pro-active. You need to take the lead and just show up for her, and not expect very much back in return in the short term.

I'll try

Sorry, pressedSebd too soon! Meant to say, I'll reach out to her again this week. To the poster who's saying it sounds 'all about me', I can guarantee it isn't!

Over the last 2 years, I've suggested many coffee catch-ups, invited her if I'm seeing other people she knows, texted to ask how she was, kept up with birthday/Xmas presents (so does she, but doesn't contact me in between). Several times since her mum's funeral I've made it clear I'm here if she needs me, but again, nothing. I DO realise she's grieving, but I'm wondering if my attempts at contact are wanted. Yes, she does respond, but it's hard when initiating us all one-way.

I'll try once more though, I don't want this friendship to just wither away.

I am in the same position as your friend. My mother was ill for sometime and I lived with her, caring for her. It was the greatest honour of my life to look after her (though of course I would rather she had been well and still here). It is 3 months since I lost her, my best friend. I have no other family and sorted out everything myself during the time she was ill and after. I don’t know if it was the same for your friend but this takes its toll even if you have help . I am completely heartbroken. I have gone back to work but mainly wfh so can go a good while before seeing anyone. I have little support. Most of my friends don’t ask me how I am or check in on me and I could be lying dead for all they know. I am struggling with processing the trauma of what I went through, struggling to cope with my grief and wake up most mornings sad that I am still here to face another day without my lovely mother. I will hazard a guess your friend is probably depressed too and I will hazard another guess that you have not had any big losses in your life. It’s only when you do you can fully understand. I can spend my days sitting at my laptop working with tears streaming down my face, then having to pull myself together to speak to colleagues. Just because I’m up and dressed doesn’t mean I’m ok, far from it. I’m not writing this to garner sympathy but simply to try and help you understand. If it is hard for you, think about her. She is thinking about all of this every second of every day. Her sleep is likely affected ditto her appetite and ability to function. I have lost any interest in anything and feel listless. She might do too. My mother was the one constant left in my life, she wasn’t old and it wasn’t her time to die. I’ll never be the same again. Sit with this for one moment and think about it. Because your friend thinks about it constantly. Contact her, be kind, let her know you care x

Sorry but I think you ARE making it about you and being harsh on her. Your title was “friend doesn’t keep in touch anymore”
and only when we read on we see she’s been live in carer for her mum who has recently died. Your friend responds positively to you when you contact her, seeing you when asked, and she’s been buying you gifts at christmas But it’s like it’s not enough for you. She wasn’t grateful enough for the gift you put a lot of thought into. Maybe because she was distracted with her dying mother. She’s gone through a hard time and her friends need to understand that she’s probably been too busy and or upset to be instigating meet ups but the last thing she needs is people giving up on her as she’s not “making enough effort”. Sorry if that sounds harsh but really, a friendship over such a long period should be more understanding and be able To support and survive a bereavement and all that brings with it