My friend I've known for over 30 years, just doesn't bother to keep in touch now. ☹

[Wisteriabloom]

We only live 5 minutes walk from each other, too! We're both in our early 50's, been close friends since college days.

Her mum died about 6 months ago (she lived with her, and was her main carer), so I realise she's going through a lot of hurt. 🤔 I'm unsure whether to reach out any more though, as she seemed to change about 2 years ago, just completely stopped contacting me unless I did her. She'd reply promptly and turn up, but a catch-up would only happen if I instigated. It used to be about 50/50.

She did text me to say her mum had passed away, I said how sorry I was and a few days later, took flowers & a sympathy card round. She seemed pleased to see me, and myself & another friend of hers (she hardly hears from her either now), went to the funeral, as support for her. No contact from her afterwards though, not even a text to say she appreciated us coming.

Another month went by with no contact, so I messaged to ask if she was ok, and did she fancy a coffee catch-up. We met up (this was July!), we're now in November and still radio silence from her. ☹ She did message me, thanking me for sponsoring her for an event she participated in for Cancer Research, (her mum's charity) in early September, but again, nothing since. I wish I could read her mind. I don't want her to think I don't care, but I'm reluctant to reach out again in case she's just deliberately 'phasing me out' and hopes I'll take the hint.

I feel very sad about it tbh, we've not fallen out, I've not upset her as far as I know, and I miss her. Earlier this year I took a birthday present round to her (she was out, so I gave it to her mum). All I got was a text saying 'Thanks for the prezzie. x' A lot of thought went into choosing it, and she gave me no indication whether she even liked it!

Would you reach out again, or just leave it? I've always been someone who has a few 'close' friends rather than a big group, so this feels a big deal to me.

Maybe the 2 years before her Mum died, were hard work and stressful caring for dying mum with cancer?

Absolutely, yes, but some recognition of my attempts to support her through this time, would have been appreciated. When I've contacted her, it's normally been 'Oh I meant to phone you/I see you pass my work sometimes, and think I must text uou', but that call/text never comes.

Please reach out again and tell her you love her and are worried about her, that you’d love to meet more often. She might be feeling depressed and isolated herself off as a result. Even if she doesn’t take you up on your offer, at least you have let her know how you feel

I was very upset when her mum died too, I have fond memories of her going back years. This is why I turned up with flowers, some people just sent them by post as didn't know what to say, but it was important to.me to see her.

Honestly op I’m not trying to have a go at you but seriously. You’ve known her for 30 years and she lives 5 mins away and you’re trying to make out that taking flowers round rather than getting them delivered was some kind of big thing. I’d 100% expect a friend to do that in those same circumstances. I’m advising you for the sake of your friendship to really consider what she’s going through and take your own feelings out of it.

You want recognition for sending a few messages??? Heard it all now.

She's grieving for goodness sake.

Be a friend if you value her. Or drop her if you don't. But don't turn it round on her!!

There is every possibility it takes all of her energy just to get out of bed in the morning and function enough to get through the day, especially if she has to put a face on for work as well. She could well be running on fumes and even texting someone she’s known as long as you is just too much.

If she is your friend, then give her the benefit of the doubt. Keep messaging and inviting her to low key meetings and don’t get annoyed with her if she doesn’t want to come. Accept that she’s not going to be as appreciative as she normally would be. Let her know that you don’t need anything from her and that you’ll still be there for her when she comes out the other side. And ffs don’t ever say to her that you were very upset when her mum died too, because it sounds like you’re comparing your grief to hers.

Maybe recognition is the wrong word - I'll put it differently. It's more, I wish occasionally she'd think 'Wisteria has made the first move in contacting me so many times now, I'll text/call her this time'. If she's not up to a phone call, due to the circumstances, I so understand, but messaging takes a lot less effort.

I realise more and more each time you update op, that you’ve not taken the time to REALLY consider how she may be feeling. She’s likely not in the right headspace to think about whose turn it is to make contact. But I’m not going to post anymore, I’ve tried to encourage you to really think about what she’s going through but I’m you’re just not. Every time it’s “I’ve done this, I’ve done that”. Nothing about her and how she must be feeling. I don’t think you’re a good friend to her at all.

I think youve had some great advice here and i just wanted to add you sound like a lovely friend, she is very lucky to have you. Hope you succeed in rekindling the friendship.

I haven't read all the replies either but agree you've had great advice so far. Just to add that it might not all be down to the grief of losing her mum. Being a full time carer is exceptionally hard, really really exceptionally hard. It's constant strain and you can really lose yourself when you're a carer.

She may well have found the last 2 years much harder and this could have caused her to withdraw. She might not feel like the same person she used to. Grief in this situation can be complicated and it will take time for her to pick up her own life again, let alone work put who she is now.

I know its hard, but if you value this friendship in the way it sounds you do, keep the door open and be patient.

Absolutely, yes, but some recognition of my attempts to support her through this time, would have been appreciated.

I can’t quite believe you typed this, and your following posts just make it even worse.

I have a feeling she may have been trying to phase you out, and your total self-absorption may be why. Perhaps you were just as insensitive when she was dealing with becoming a carer?

Losing your mother can be an extremely devastating loss for most women, I'm not really getting the understanding from you OP of how serious this loss is. Its not uncommon with grief to be literally in shock and numb for the first year.

Perhaps its hard to be around you because you seem to think thar the loss was at the funeral when you brought flowers (a very normal thing to do BTW for a friend you have known 30 yrs) 6 months ago.

If you are as clueless to what she is going through IRL as you appear to be on this thread, that may explain why she hasn't been in touch.

Go round and see her. It’s as simple as that.
Kindly, have you ever lost someone you have lived with and cared for?

This is a sad situation to find yourself in. 30 years is a long time, but the meaning you each make of that might differ. Some things take a pause, some come to an end. If you can take the position of sitting back then maybe you'll learn it is just a pause on her part, but you've reached out and she's not responding in kind, so i would ease up.

And why on earth would you expect to be thanked for attending a funeral or dropping off flowers?

If she's not up to a phone call, due to the circumstances, I so understand, but messaging takes a lot less effort

No, it really doesn’t. You have to think of something to say and word it so that nobody could misinterpret or start worrying that you’re not coping. And then, when they respond, you need to fake enthusiasm for whatever is going on in their life, then worry about what excuses you can come up with when they ask where you’ve been or whether you fancy meeting for lunch. It takes just as much effort as actually seeing someone.

I mean this in the kindest possible way, but you seem to be expecting a 50/50 friendship from her at all times. Life just isn’t like that and if you can’t accept that there will be times when she can’t give you 50/50, then that is not being a good friend to her.