Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Chat

Join the discussion and chat with other Mumsnetters about everyday life, relationships and parenting.

Original poster

How to help stop my son being a BULLY

39 replies

EarBake · 01/11/2022 09:47

Name changed but long time user!
I really need so help, how I'm handling things clearly isn't working.

Another phone call from school this morning, my 9 year old DS saying unkind things to another pupil in his class yesterday which resulted in the other child not wanting to go to school.

Other similar incidents where he says unkind things and just shrugs it off.

Having his electronics/tv ban/talking/shouting(last resort)/ just does not seem to be working, it's like he takes it on board for a day and then reverts back to his ways.

He is the eldest of 3, he can say unkind things to his siblings too.

When school phoned this morning, I literally said, I don't know what to do with him, nothing we do is working to get him to be compassionate and to think before he speaks.

Any advice??

OP posts:
Foolsandtheirmoney · 01/11/2022 09:51

Is your son unhappy? My dd was bullied in primary and the thing all of the girls had in common were difficult homelives. I'm not saying this is your fault at all, I just think that happy kids don't tend to seek to hurt others to the same degree iykwim?

MolliciousIntent · 01/11/2022 09:53

Happy children do not behave like this. I think you need to find out what's bothering him. Dial back the punishments and dial up the love and connection.

Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink · 01/11/2022 09:55

Electronics ban all very well but what do you replace it with? Does he get focused attention from you regularly? Does he get a chance to chat to you and say what’s on his mind? You have to open up space and opportunity for that to happen - no pressure, no force from you, but just open the space and let him take it up. It sounds like you’re putting an awful lot of effort/work into ‘doing to’ him rather than ‘being with’ him, which will be emotionally exhausting for both you and him.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

9 year olds Families
coffeeisthebest · 01/11/2022 09:56

Yep, I agree, as hard as it might be you need to look very carefully at how you communicate with him. If you have a partner also look at how they are communicating too. Do you use name calling, even as a joke, do you belittle anyone, even unknowingly. Rather than singling out your son, use this as an opportunity to take a look at the dynamics in your family. This could be great for all of you.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 01/11/2022 11:02

Happy children do not behave like this

Well it really depends what he said, doesn't it? My son can say mean things at times that he doesn't really comprehend as mean - he sees them as being truth and what's wrong with telling the truth?

I think you need to know what it is he's saying (which to be fair you might already know) and have a serious chat with him. He needs to take time before saying something - how would he feel if you said something similar to him?

thelobsterquadrille · 01/11/2022 11:04

Does he hear you and his dad being unkind or mean to each other at home?

PersonaNonGarter · 01/11/2022 11:07

Where is his dad in all of this? Because if you are an aggro family that might explain a lot.

And stop punishing.

Original poster
EarBake · 01/11/2022 11:23

We're definitely a happy 'normal' family, no abuse, no agro, just a normal family.

He just comes across so 'matter of fact'

The incident yesterday was telling another boy to leave the school because 'no one likes you anyway' and when he was pulled up on it his answer was 'well no one's likes him, I just told him'
I'm sure there was more to it than this.

He does get 1-1 time, went to the cinema with his dad on the weekend, we went trick or treating yesterday, just the 2 of us.

The thing is, it's not just with people at school, he can be mean to his siblings and cousins, like the comments he makes or more so how he says things.

OP posts:
BlueChampagne · 01/11/2022 11:23

How is the school handling it? Can they offer any advice, or put you in touch with someone? There might be parenting courses on offer?

Kapalika · 01/11/2022 11:27

I think you need to schedule a meeting with the Head first. Then take it from there.

EdieLedwell · 01/11/2022 12:35

My neighbours son is exactly like this and the same age. They have a lovely life, no issues at home, but he's been dx with a processing issue.

His lack of empathy is stunning tbh. The more you know home the more you understand him, but he's borderline cruel to his peers and is alway puzzled when they're upset by his behaviour.

MolliciousIntent · 01/11/2022 12:47

Does he display any empathy, affection, emotional connection to people without an agenda?

willingtolearn · 01/11/2022 12:58

Don't label him a 'bully'.

All children say unkind things at times.

It can be simply how they feel in that moment - they might be feeling cross or unhappy, or to try and feel powerful or in control.

How does he generally act if he is feeling this way - does he manage his emotions well, especially anger and sadness? Do you think he might need help with this?

You could try having an open conversation with him about it - but this needs to be trying to figure out why rather than just reinforcing 'how wrong he was'.

He may not have any idea of why though or not be able to explain it, or be afraid that telling you why he did it will make you cross at him.

He's the eldest - sometimes older children feel 'responsible' for making their younger siblings do the 'right thing'. They can also be treated differently by parents who expect them to act in a particular way, or be more responsible than their maturity.

Sometimes you don't get answers. Children do whatever gets them what they want/need and then repeat this behaviour.

fUNNYfACE36 · 01/11/2022 13:03

I would want to know exactly what he said, and I don't think that we can really comment without knowing that.For example somw female teachers often regard normal male behaviour such as competitiveness or assertiveness as wrong

MolliciousIntent · 01/11/2022 13:04

fUNNYfACE36 · 01/11/2022 13:03

I would want to know exactly what he said, and I don't think that we can really comment without knowing that.For example somw female teachers often regard normal male behaviour such as competitiveness or assertiveness as wrong

Oh yeah, boys will be boys, right? Delicate women with their sensitive little souls, always overreacting to typical manly men.

PeekAtYou · 01/11/2022 13:06

I would be looking to talk to SENCO, CAMHS or similar. What he said is mean rather than insensitive /impulsive and a lack of empathy (if he truly believes what he said) might point towards neurodivergence of some sort.

PAFMO · 01/11/2022 13:07

fUNNYfACE36 · 01/11/2022 13:03

I would want to know exactly what he said, and I don't think that we can really comment without knowing that.For example somw female teachers often regard normal male behaviour such as competitiveness or assertiveness as wrong

Fuck that.

PeekAtYou · 01/11/2022 13:07

@fUNNYfACE36 OP's last update has an example. It's not "male banter. "

justasking111 · 01/11/2022 13:09

He's not a bully but painfully blunt. Is anyone else in your extended family like this @EarBake

PeekabooAtTheZoo · 01/11/2022 13:11

@willingtolearn what do you mean "don't label him a bully"?
He literally bullied another child who doesn't want to go to school now.
He needs to take responsibility for what he has done.

PAFMO · 01/11/2022 13:12

OP- I agree with others. Make an appointment with school and see if they think there is something underlying (neurologically) that makes him act the way he does. And take it from there.

From what you say, his behaviour IS bullying. It's not banter. It's not boys will be boys. It's not assertiveness. It's bullying. The older he gets, the less you'll find school are willing to accept behaviour that makes other children not want to go to school because they're scared. You say "another" phone call, so it's an ongoing thing.

Make an appointment for you, your husband and the HT/class teacher.

Good luck Flowers

Ellie1015 · 01/11/2022 13:14

If he does think he is just stating a fact then give then i would tell him he also has to ask himself "Is it honest? Is it necessary? Is it kind? If not then don't say it."

TeenDivided · 01/11/2022 13:16

Options

  • he's doing it on purpose in order to upset them
  • he's saying things he believes to be true and doesn't realise it will upset them, and when told he's upset them he still doesn't care
  • he's saying things he believes to be true and doesn't realise it will upset them, but when told he's upset them he's sorry, he wants to change
You probably need to work out which is happening in order to know how to deal with it. As it happens at home too you have lots of opportunities to explore with him why he's saying these things. Would social stories help?
BobbyBobbyBobby · 01/11/2022 13:20

Is he just an unpleasant person? His personality I mean.

Some people just are like that.

You can give them all kinds of labels to so ivy there might be something wrong or different about him and take him for counselling but at the end of the day it might just be who he is and as he grows up it’s his his choice to modify or change his behaviour or not.

BobbyBobbyBobby · 01/11/2022 13:22

Correction -

You can give them all kinds of labels to say there