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Original poster

How to help stop my son being a BULLY

39 replies

EarBake · 01/11/2022 09:47

Name changed but long time user!
I really need so help, how I'm handling things clearly isn't working.

Another phone call from school this morning, my 9 year old DS saying unkind things to another pupil in his class yesterday which resulted in the other child not wanting to go to school.

Other similar incidents where he says unkind things and just shrugs it off.

Having his electronics/tv ban/talking/shouting(last resort)/ just does not seem to be working, it's like he takes it on board for a day and then reverts back to his ways.

He is the eldest of 3, he can say unkind things to his siblings too.

When school phoned this morning, I literally said, I don't know what to do with him, nothing we do is working to get him to be compassionate and to think before he speaks.

Any advice??

OP posts:

Notjusta · 01/11/2022 13:23

justasking111 · 01/11/2022 13:09

He's not a bully but painfully blunt. Is anyone else in your extended family like this @EarBake

I'm not sure that's true at all. Why do you think he isn't a bully? OP has stated her DS repeats this behaviour at school and at home.

OP if you have the money to do so, I'd invest in private counselling/therapy for him and possibly all of you as a family as well. Has he always been like this or is it a new development? How do you react in the moment, when you hear him say nasty thinks to his siblings for example?

blankittyblank · 01/11/2022 13:31

Has he ever been assessed for autism, or ADHD? I know it's classic to wheel out this line, but the fact you say he has little empathy and says exactly what he deems to be true would make me think he's neuro-diverse on some level. Do they school have any suspicions that he might need assessing?

Original poster

EarBake · 01/11/2022 13:58

I definitely think it's bullying too, I don't want to sugar coat it and want honest advice based on what's happened.

If he's made another child not want to go into school then that's bang out of order and just not acceptable.

He not like that all the time at home, he's quite pleasant at times and very helpful, wants to help with the cooking, always willing to help out, he reads, proper loves his Lego so will do that, close with his cousins, but I have to remind him each time, 'don't say anything unkind to Sam', because I know he has a tendency to speak before he thinks.

So, it was a new teacher I spoke to this morning, I basically said, we've been here before, nothing I'm saying or doing helps him change his thinking, she's going to try and do some work with him to see if they can help bring out some compassion/empathy.

I just wondered if there was anything I could do at home.

OP posts:

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

9 year olds Families

2bazookas · 01/11/2022 14:05

Having his electronics/tv ban/talking/shouting(last resort)/ just does not seem to be working, it's like he takes it on board for a day and then reverts back to his ways.

Do you mean, as soon as he gets back his games/TV he reverts back to previous behaviour?

If so, I suggest the privileges are withdrawn UNTIL he's shown a longer term improvement. He has to earn them by a sustained effort.

cultkid · 01/11/2022 14:09

If he thinks he is staring a fact do you wonder if he is potentially autistic?

cultkid · 01/11/2022 14:10

I say to my son:

Is what you're going to say helpful or unhelpful?

That is as basic as I make it with him and it seems to help (a bit)
My son is almost certainly autistic and we are on that long path now

SpaceshiptoMars · 01/11/2022 14:27

TeenDivided · 01/11/2022 13:16

Options

he's doing it on purpose in order to upset them
he's saying things he believes to be true and doesn't realise it will upset them, and when told he's upset them he still doesn't care
he's saying things he believes to be true and doesn't realise it will upset them, but when told he's upset them he's sorry, he wants to change

You probably need to work out which is happening in order to know how to deal with it. As it happens at home too you have lots of opportunities to explore with him why he's saying these things. Would social stories help?

I think there's a fourth option:

he's saying things he believes to be true and doesn't realise it will upset them, and when told he's upset them he doesn't believe it!

Scarydinosaurs · 01/11/2022 14:27

At 9 he’s old enough to start to appreciate how his version of events/perspective isn’t the only one. Many people can be simultaneously ‘right’.

He’s also old enough to know not everyone needs his input all of the time - he doesn’t need to share every opinion he has.

Can you get him to retell what’s happened using his Lego pieces? Even at 9 they’re usually willing to go along with this. Empathy work looking at - how did YOU feel before you said it? Then how did JAMES feel hearing you say that? And how did SARAH feel listening to it? What do they think of you now? What might they think will happen in the future if they speak to you again etc etc

Cause and consequence is still developing at 9, but you can definitely do work on it. Did you say he likes reading? Is this a good source to discuss characters and emotions?

Lopilo · 01/11/2022 14:29

Most bullies are insecure in some way. Otherwise there is no point in putting other people down. Is he struggling socially or academically? Is he trying to impress any of his peers?

Have you helped him to deal appropriately with people who he finds annoying. Have you helped him navigate other children with social difficulties and who say nasty things to him? Just telling him to be more considerate isn’t going to give him the tools he needs to deal with the cut and thrust of primary school.

hippoherostandinghere · 01/11/2022 14:36

In terms of things that you can do with him at home can you look at some social stories together? Some children need to be taught empathy and some social skills just don't come naturally to them.
If you do a Google search you should find multiple resources that can help to work on empathy and social skills together.

ABJ100 · 01/11/2022 14:43

Say those things back to him and ask him how it feels? Tell him he is a bully, and ask him how that feels? I think you need to be very harsh with him because he has the potential to be a horrible person as he progresses through life.

Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink · 01/11/2022 15:39

Compassion and empathy are built by compassionate and empathic parenting. Saying his behaviour is ‘bang out of order’ is judgemental, not compassionate or empathic. His behaviour towards others is telling you what he feels about himself and what he needs.

Going to the cinema isn’t one on one time - you’re sitting watching a film, not creating open space for him. The film takes up the space.

Same with trick or treating - if you’re knocking on doors regularly that’s constantly interrupted time, it’s not creating an open space for him. The activity takes up the space.

Labelling isn’t helpful because he isn’t a bully - his behaviour in that moment is bullying. There’s a vast difference between those two concepts and children are very tuned into how that language and labelling makes them feel. We all fluctuate between different feelings and behaviours all the time, some nicer and more comfortable than others. We’re never only one thing, we change from moment to moment.

If he is labelled a bully, his very self is made to be the issue. His sense of self will feel threatened and then he’ll project that onto others.

If his behaviour is labelled unkind, he understands his self is okay and always loved, and how he acts towards others is a separate issue.

Language is really important because your language conveys to him how you feel about him.

If he never gets one on one quality time and attention, his self is never nurtured. So of course he’s never going to learn how to nurture others. Some kids need more or different nurture to others.

I would take your attention away from what he’s doing wrong, and focus on giving him the experience of how to do it right (i.e. you model it for him).

FelicityFidget · 01/11/2022 16:01

Does he have any SEN?

My DS does and his lack of a filter is down to this. He means no harm but feels like he is telling the truth and is baffled why it's upsetting.

kirinm · 01/11/2022 16:02

It is really reassuring to hear the OP say she wants to help put an end to this. My experience of bullying is most parents do not want to hear it.

I think I would consider counselling for him. If he doesn't understand that what he is saying is hurtful or does understand it is hurtful but doesn't care, an independent counsellor might be able to help him understand that better than Mum or Dad.

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