What advice would you give to a mumtobe?

[Mumtobe2305]

I’m 13 weeks pregnant today with our 🌈
What advice would you give to a first time mum / mum to be?

Don't take well-meaning advice as a slight. People are trying to help and it's hard to see that when you're changing a shitty nap on 4 hours of broken sleep, but they're well intentioned even if they're not welcomed!

Always trust your own instincts. And don’t listen to the baby-gloom-mongers on here - those who like to tell you how exhausting/stressful/etc. it’s going to be.

Ditto those who ban all visitors for a month - WTF is wrong with them? Most people love to see and cuddle a new baby, and as long as they haven’t got colds or any other bug - plus of course as long as they’re not the types who stay for hours and expect to be waited on - it’s lovely to welcome them.

Congratulations!

I would agree with trusting your own instincts as you know your baby best.

Also, prepare as much food as you can in advance. You will be glad you did!

The thing I wish I had felt more confident in was setting boundaries as some of our family and friends definitely outstayed their welcome. It's okay to let people know you're just having short visits initially as you want to get used to life as a new family (if that's what you want of course!), nobody has any entitlement to see the baby so if you're not up to them visiting then it's okay to cancel or cut the visit short (think of an excuse in advance or make up fake plans and let them know in advance that they can come for an hour but you've got the health visitor booked in for example). Also, it's okay to ask for the baby back! I felt a bit lost if others had been holding my son for too long and took him back again and either held him myself or laid him down to 'give his bones a wee rest'. Also, if you keep feeding to just you or you and your partner ( as recommended for better bonding), it can be a good way of getting the baby back. If you have persistent over stayers and baby hoggers, invest in a sling!

All the best

Omg YES. MN would lead you to believe that your baby will scream for 18 hours a day, never sleep, be permanently attached to your boob, you’ll never shower or drink a hot drink ever again.

maybe some elements are true temporarily but motherhood is a much more enjoyable experience and babies much easier than MN makes out

I’d encourage your partner to attend any antenatal classes you attend and to read the books or articles you read so he/she is on the same planet when the baby arrives. You read so many posts from mums shattered after being discharged from hospital and expected to “host” family and friends who outstay their welcome. So many men apparently unaware that new mothers need rest and that babies cluster feed and wake at least twice a night; so many parroting or going along with outdated advice from their own parents because they don’t know current best practice with regard to weaning, car seats, safe sleeping. If the baby has two parents it’s better that both parents take responsibility for reading up on all these issues, not just one. It amazes me that someone who can spend hours researching and debating the best mountain bike configurations will approach parenthood blind.

Your partner needs to understand the toll on you and your body and be gatekeeper and nurture you a bit.

On your side, I’d guard against correcting all but serious differences in handling and encourage them to do what they can with the baby. If you breastfeed particularly, your newborn inevitably ends up glued to you most of the time and so sometimes partners lack confidence and even “give-up”; so it’s nice to build in something they can do like bath-time or bedtime routine and not fall into the trap of rather enjoying being “the expert” and then having a problem months down the line getting your partner to be an equal parent.

Ask for what you need, you may be a hormonal mess so try to remember in advance that you can ask for specific help, don’t silently despair or seethe because your DH/dad/mil hasn’t NOTICED how shattered you are and they are expecting you to cook Sunday lunch, just say, “Sorry darling, I’m shattered, do you mind either cooking or cancelling as it’s just too much.” etc. I know ideally they’d notice and offer or even better just do it, but if you get on the habit of saying things like “Can you hang out that wash that’s just finished if you don’t mind? I’ll try to sneak a nap while she’s asleep”, it eases the load and you would hope might encourage them to do it without prompting the next time.

Dont listen to others. There will be competition on the labour, sore boobs, biggest belly

ignore!

It's so important to let the dad take responsibility for the baby by himself, from the off.

That you can make it up as you go along.

It's a very liberating thought, if you can embrace it fully

I'd go the exact opposite - listen to everyone's advice no matter how bats. You don't have to follow any of it

Twin benefits:

• sometimes there's really useful stuff
• people are being kind (usually) and trying to help. And by listening, you're being kind, and it's always useful to have well-disposed people around

Congrats OP exciting times!

Get partner involved from the start (I.e now!). Keep him involved and parenting 50/50 when he's not at work. Remember as time goes on you are with the baby all the time and he isn't so he might not get everything 'right' or always know what to do but keep insisting on it and being encouraging to each other. You're on the same team!

Don't feed to sleep, even at the beginning when it seems to be working. Biggest mistake of my life lol.

Try and remain light-hearted and easy going as much as possible. Don't be too harsh on yourself or other people. Things will often not go well so force yourself to see the funny side.

Put a towel on the changing mat as baby won't like the cold sensation of the plastic directly on their bare back.

Don't feed to sleep lol.

Make mum friends. It's so worth it when you're on mat leave!

Don't get caught up in all the weird judgemental competition stuff about birth and child raising. It's great that Mary Jones gave birth in the forest with nothing but the moonlight for pain relief and only drank organic oat milk and pressed goji berries and her baby didn't see a screen until he was 35 but honestly you do what's best for you and only you. I promise you won't traumatise your baby.

Ask for help and take it.

Don't be frightened of going out and existing in the world with your baby. Take them places and have fun. Drink in cafes and go to parks and museums and on buses and trains. Ignore any sour faced tutters. Most people are lovely and helpful.

Don't feed to sleep.....

Try to see if there is a sling library in your area otherwise you might splash out £80 on buying one that you end up hating!

if you aren’t married get married - you will have way more rights if things go pair shaped later

No matter how wanted your baby is, there may be times at the start when you’re tired and overwhelmed, where you resent and even regret your baby. That’s ok, it doesn’t make you a terrible mum, it will pass.

Bonding isn’t instant for everyone, even if you don’t love your baby straight away, doesn’t mean you don’t deserve it. The love will come!

Congratulations! Also, do your kegels. 😂

1. Get yourself some pure witch hazel and pack it in your hospital bag - after delivery, pour on your maternity pads to bring some soothing relief to your lady garden. Can use after episiotomy, tear or over a c-section incision. Bonus level soothing if you keep it in the fridge.

1. Get some back flower rescue remedy for the few days/weeks after birth when you're a ball of hormones and want to cry because you someone else is holding your baby and you miss them, or if you drop your iPhone on their head by accident and make them cry and then worry you've given them brain damage... (you haven't).

1. Set any expectations of yourself really, really low, that way you'll always exceed them!

1. And slightly controversially but anecdotally successful for all my friends who did the same, if you're planning on nursing but might need to leave your baby for any length of time (work, doc appointment, child free piss up in Ibiza), start them on taking a bottle from about 3 weeks old, once you've established nursing well and baby is gaining weight. That way they will go between breast and bottle with ease. Obviously more vital when needing to return to work full time at 16 weeks post partum, but could be helpful nonetheless.

Accept offers of help. Don't feel like you have to be supermum and do everything yourself.

Get the other adults used to dealing with the baby on their own (without you having to constantly instruct).

When your baby cries take a few minutes to work out what may be wrong (Don't always assume they need feeding). Also, babies cry. Don't stress that you're disturbing other people!

Babies (and toddlers and children) have their own personalities and also they change! You can do everything right but still have a grisly/ crazy baby.

Take lots of videos.

Don't get caught up with the labour. Honestly, it doesn't matter whether you need one paracetamol or a c section as long as everyone is safe. There are no medals for being brave.

Sleep when baby sleeps

Dont sweat the small stuff

Later on… Pick your battles …
Not everything is worth it

Get all the diy/decluttering done now.

Sort out a 'station' upstairs and downstairs where you can sit comfortably and feed the baby - water and snacks nearby, phone charger, changing stuff etc.

Don't worry about a routine - instead let yourself and your baby discover a rhythm to your days.

Remember that everything will feel worse at night - cries seem louder, everything seems a bit more desperate, but the dawn will come.

Get your partner to make you a sandwich lunch every day or get microwave meals.

Pick a pram based on the terrain outside your house - have a look at how narrow/uneven/non-existent pavements are, and get one that can cope. So annoying to spend money and have to start again because the little wheels are no good where you live.

Also with prams, don't get a really expensive one - it's not a one and done purchase, you'll have more than one as your needs and your baby changes.

If you end up formula feeding, get a tommy tippee perfect prep machine and an all singing and dancing bottle washer and steriliser. With the perfect prep, set it up in your bedroom so you don't have to go downstairs to make a bottle when your baby is screaming in the middle of the night.

You'll buy and get given loads of stuff for your baby which you'll hope will change your life but will either never get used or won't work for your situation.

If you have a big baby, you might not have the strength to carry your baby about in a sling.

A really good, interesting, reassuring book is 'What mothers do when it looks like they are doing nothing' - so so comforting to read.

Nothing in the world is like the whirlwind of a first new baby. It's magical, brutal, wondrous and satisfying all at once.

If you google your issue and add 'mumsnet' at the end, there will be at least three threads on the same niche, specific topic which will have the answer you need somewhere on them.

Everything this is a phase! If they start waking up every hour... that will end eventually. But also if they start sleeping well don't bank on it lasting 😆

Let other people love your baby and accept help. My mum and PIL have seen DD almost every week from when she was tiny and their relationship now is lovely to see. Not saying you shouldn't have boundaries too, but make them reasonable.

Don't sweat the small stuff - cleaning can wait! Enjoy the cuddles!

Oh, and join Peanut. Met some lovely mum friends on there 😊

Shower your baby/child with kindness and you won’t go wrong.

That’s a about it

All babies are different. People will offer you advice and swear by this and swear by that. Just stay relaxed and trust your instincts and be confident that you know your baby best.

Routine routine routine. From day one. Decide on a bedtime, figure out what you need to do (for us it was 7pm bath, story - yes even just a 1 minute made up one - feed then bed). When awake but drowsy. Then I'd wake baby up for a sleepy feed at 11ish, then again only if baby woke.
Limit day time naps - don't be afraid to wake the baby up.
Get out every day for some fresh air and exercise if you can. Talk to your baby, even if just narrating what you are doing (let's put the kettle on.... what shall I dress you in today...blah blah).

Read what to expect when expecting. Been around for 25 years. Very well trusted source. Drink loads of water. And walk walk walk - this will help with labour.

I used to think people were nuts when they said “you know your baby better than anyone”, I figured if that was true my son was at a disadvantage. But it’s true, trust your instincts.