I regret having my kids

threeisacharm18 · 2022-10-31T06:05:28+00:00

I finally said the words out loud and it was a relief to say it. I'd been holding it in for so long and I felt wicked and a terrible person for saying or thinking it. I have 3 kids all close together under 5 . They are so clingy - need me all the time and as kids should be , messy. There's laundry every day. I clean and its only tidy for the 8 hours they are out of the house. DH and me both work full time . Childcare eats almost all my income. I'm stressed about rising mortgage rates. We can't afford an extra 800 a month plus food bills etc. Number 3 was unplanned and has made life very expensive. We discussed an abortion and I couldn't do it . I almost wished for a miscarriage during the pregnancy so it would take the decision away from me. So here we are with 3 kids, a chaotic life and no end in sight. I dream about my previous child free days . I love my kids but it's bloody hard. I finally let myself have a good cry . Cry at the old life I had. Cry for the tiredness. Cried for sleep. Cried for time away. I feel better. Today. Not sure what tomorrow will bring.

Arewethebadguys · 31/10/2022 06:15

I hear you. It's so hard. 2 under 3 here and it's relentless. I enjoy cleaning as a rest. Never thought I'd say that! You've loads of worries mixed in around this too eg money, nursery.

Can you get abreak? A proper break away from the house and kids and maybe even your husband!

Do the feel guilty for your feelings. They're valid and most of us have had similar. I definitely have.

Sending you a big hug. 3 kids under 5 is hard af. It will get easier xx

Arewethebadguys · 31/10/2022 06:16

*do not feel guilty

bjjgirl · 31/10/2022 06:18

Firstly, anyone would hate 3 kids under 5, that sounds horrendous.

However, they will grow and the different stages bring different challenges. I personally believe that all parents have an age which they find easier / harder. For me I hated the baby and pregnancy stage, give me a toddler any day over getting fat and swollen. So don't beat yourself up about not liking this stage.

You may love the tween or teen stage. Mine are teenagers and I am loving it, not easy but I really enjoy them.

Think if their childhood as stages, this will pass

MassiveSalad22 · 31/10/2022 06:19

3 under 5!! That’s tough. I have a 5 and 7 year old and they’ve got sooooo much easier the past year or 2, they play together and are generally just less hands-on work. So things will change for you. I’m sure of it!

bjjgirl · 31/10/2022 06:19

Plus sleep deprivation is literally torture - try to have this in your mind when you are feeling bad, as it just exasperates things

MassiveSalad22 · 31/10/2022 06:19

Also once they all gradually start school your childcare costs will lessen? Things will ease up a bit.

MaverickSnoopy · 31/10/2022 06:30

I had 3 under 7 (with 2 under 3) and that was hard enough so can relate somewhat. I've really struggled and have pushed on through to my detriment, only now on anxiety tablets and with all sorts of stress related health problems. Having 3 children can be exhausting. Do you think you could be depressed? You sound very low.

Mine are a little bit older (youngest now 4) and all I can say is that it does start to get a bit easier. We removed stair gates not long ago and rid of some of the younger toys. Our house is starting to feel like our own again. I can feel bits of "me" coming back again and only now realise that "me" had totally gone and was very neglected. I still am really but it's getting better.

Re childcare costs, do you claim everything your entitled to - tax free childcare and any funded hours? Childminders are cheaper than nursery.

FramptonRose · 31/10/2022 06:31

How old are you kids OP?
I have the exact same age gap with mine and it is bloody hard work especially when you are both working.
Mine are teen and pre teen now (which comes with its own issues) but when they were younger I remember sitting at my kitchen table just constantly crying.
I gave up work when I had my youngest due to childcare costs and logistics with schooling, my husband worked flat out so I never got a break and honestly life felt like one long slog to get from one day to the next, I never enjoyed it just routined my day to keep my sanity.

Once my youngest went to school, I got a term time job to work around them, which has made life easier, and the fact they are older now so I can leave them for a few hours to do some shopping during the day and they can do things gor themselves.

Take it easy on yourself, I had a very honest group of mum friends who all admitted hoe bloody tough it is and how they just want to be left alone sometimes.
Do you have anyone that can look after them for the evening? You don't even have to go out for dinner, get a takeaway with your husband and have some child free time to give yourself a break.

DullAndOvercast · 31/10/2022 06:32

I had three under 5 - and it was hard but unlike you I wasn't working so could enjoy it all more as there was time to do basics in day and occasionally catch up on sleep - but I still had days when I was exhausted tried and touched out.

How soon will childcare costs drop? - Have you sat down together and budgeted for increased costs - sometime there not as high as you fear - and your other half take them out at weekend so you can catch up on sleep?

I know a few women in RL who admitted they didn't enjoy motherhood at all
or found parts ie full time work with multiple young kids very hard years.

bloodyeverlastinghell · 31/10/2022 06:33

I could of written your post a few years ago. Except unplanned no 3 turned out to be twins and I had four under five. It was brutal at the time. Youngest pair are 7 now and it’s much nicer and more fun.

Pinkglittery · 31/10/2022 06:37

I had 3 under 5. It's tough, and some days it feels completely relentless and you think why would I have done this?! However, before you know it, you'll have three amazing little people that don't need their bums wiping and you can sit down and have a cup of tea and it all just slots in to place. Very soon you'll be able to take them to a park in summer and they will run off and play together while you lie in the shade with a book for an hour.
You will have so many moments of laughter and joy and it's all totally worth it. My three are now 15, 14 and 11 and they are brilliant. I look back on the time they were little with a blurry kind of fondness.
I know the money stresses makes things worse, it won't seem that long until you aren't paying for nursery and that will make a massive difference. Just hang in there.

OperaStation · 31/10/2022 06:38

MassiveSalad22 · 31/10/2022 06:19

Also once they all gradually start school your childcare costs will lessen? Things will ease up a bit.

Everyone says this but I think it gets harder once they’re at primary school. You go from
having 8am-6pm childcare at nursery to having them in school 9am-3pm ish and then having to organise before and after school care so that you can keep working. And with 3 kids close in age you end up with a mixture of different childcare solutions which adds to the headache.

I’m not trying to stress you out more OP. I think it’s just best to be honest and I wish people hadn’t told me it would get easier once they start school because it just wasn’t true.

However, they definitely get less needy as they get older. And the benefit of having more than one is that they can entertain each other to an extent. From the age of about 5 they will start to need you less to entertain them.

WrongLife · 31/10/2022 06:42

I had 3 under 5 and it's brutal. Absolutely brutal. The only thing is that it quickly gets MUCH better as they pile into school.

keep going with the job, I did and now mine are 10,12,14 I'm in a fantastic job that I wouldn't necessarily have been able to get had I had a career break.

however they are still messy. Sorry....

Soproudoflionesses · 31/10/2022 06:47

It's not a permanent solution but could ypu book a couple of days' annual leave and just sleep?
Everything is worse when you are tired.
So sorry you feel like this op your feelings are very valid.

Umbrellabee · 31/10/2022 07:10

I have a 6 year old and almost 5 year old twins. I felt the same as you about the twins until they were about 3 and they finally started to sleep and DD’s medical conditions were better managed. The twins have now started school. I mean it’s still busy and chaotic but it’s a better type of chaos if that makes sense! I promise it gets easier.

Stickmansmum · 31/10/2022 07:16

I’m on the other side OP of 4 under 6. My youngest is now 4. And I look back daily and shudder at how hard and relentless it was. They still drive me crazy, needing things constantly, but now the 8 and 9 yr old can make me tea. The 3 younger ones can give me a head massage while they insist on. Sitting on top of me. I don’t have to do all the seatbelts and lift and manoeuvre all their bodies everywhere I go. They sleep all night and get themselves up and ready for school. And best of all I have these little people with their unique personalities in my life forever. You are in a horrible phase of it. But it will get a LOT better soon.

MovingOnUpp · 31/10/2022 07:40

It does get easier when the youngest is about 4.

Original poster

threeisacharm18 · 31/10/2022 15:11

Thanks everyone. I know it does get easier , but it's hard to remember that when you're in the trenches

OP posts:

WrongLife · 31/10/2022 15:22

threeisacharm18 · 31/10/2022 15:11

Thanks everyone. I know it does get easier , but it's hard to remember that when you're in the trenches

It really does. I had a lot of bad days. I think once smallest got her free hours, although it was only 15 hours then, I took 3 of them on a day I didn't work and that teeny breather was the beginning of it getting easier. Hang on.

also staying employed allowed me to afford a cleaner once I started getting some subsided childcare and that was an absolute game changer. Once a week both toilets and the kitchen were clean at the same time and it just allowed to cope that bit more.

MassiveSalad22 · 31/10/2022 15:24

OperaStation · 31/10/2022 06:38

Everyone says this but I think it gets harder once they’re at primary school. You go from
having 8am-6pm childcare at nursery to having them in school 9am-3pm ish and then having to organise before and after school care so that you can keep working. And with 3 kids close in age you end up with a mixture of different childcare solutions which adds to the headache.

I’m not trying to stress you out more OP. I think it’s just best to be honest and I wish people hadn’t told me it would get easier once they start school because it just wasn’t true.

However, they definitely get less needy as they get older. And the benefit of having more than one is that they can entertain each other to an extent. From the age of about 5 they will start to need you less to entertain them.

Show quote history

Well I wasn’t not being honest 😵‍💫 Jesus. I even put a question mark as I don’t know OP’a childcare options, do I? Shan’t bother next time.

Muminabun · 31/10/2022 17:08

I am a stay at home mum with two disabled kids. I have no money worries and I have cleaners. I am cracking up op. I have no idea how you are coping with 3 young children and working full time. Sounds so bloody tough. You must be ‘on’ all the time. You are made of stronger stuff than me op.

FlibbertyGiblets · 31/10/2022 17:17

Yup, 3 under 5 is knackering.

Hang on in there, Kitty, as the motivational poster says. When you have a little troop of more-or-less biddable offspring to march off to NT gardens in a few years time it will be grand.

Things to look forward to:
Ruffling a tousled head as they do a smash n grab in the picnic box without upending absolutely everything onto the sand;
Smiling fondly as you watch the mashed double buggy and board get taken away to the tip;
Waving bu-bye to the teletubbies baby for the last time (FIST PUMP)

FlibbertyGiblets · 31/10/2022 17:18

Muminabun · 31/10/2022 17:08

I am a stay at home mum with two disabled kids. I have no money worries and I have cleaners. I am cracking up op. I have no idea how you are coping with 3 young children and working full time. Sounds so bloody tough. You must be ‘on’ all the time. You are made of stronger stuff than me op.

Respect and a fist bump from me, Muminabun.

Hai2012 · 31/10/2022 18:38

Disabled myself with 2 disabled kids. The eldest is only doing 3hrs a day at school because they can't cope with anymore, in an absolute sulk because they have to go to the Drs tomorrow. It's so stressful.

Muminabun · 31/10/2022 20:54

Hai2012 · 31/10/2022 18:38

Disabled myself with 2 disabled kids. The eldest is only doing 3hrs a day at school because they can't cope with anymore, in an absolute sulk because they have to go to the Drs tomorrow. It's so stressful.

The part time school and endless appointments …I feel your pain on that one