Jealous of families with lovely houses

[Someonesproblem4]

This is going to be a rant more than anything, and I know my circumstances are to blame for not having a nice home but I feel immense jealously of people with lovely happy homes.

I’ll always be in basic minimum wage jobs as I have no qualifications, and with some mental health issues I would find it too difficult to train in something well paid.

I drive past houses on nice roads and wish I could one day live somewhere like that, in the area I like where I know I can be happy and raise my children somewhere safe to call home. I will never be able to afford a deposit to buy a house of my choice, so while I’m grateful for a roof over my head, I’m sad by the types of homes available to us. bad quality build, bad areas, bad neighbours and general homes that aren’t quite right.

We have moved house several times in hope of finding somewhere just right, but eventually they just aren’t quite what they were built up to be. I will realistically be stuck in this situation for the rest of my life, unable to find a home that has decent size rooms or nice neighbours or an area we’d prefer. I’m not even fussed about mansions or all the extra things people would love in their homes, I just want a standard house.

i know it’s a pity post and there are people far worse off, and many of those in the lovely houses have a back story, but I spend a lot of time crying and full of guilt that I’ll never be able to offer my children a good solid home for life. I’m angry that my childhood lead me to an outcome that has prevented me from earning good money to buy. But most of all I’m angry that some houses are so badly planned and built that they’re unliveable and can ruin lives. Can anyone relate?

I know how you feel. We rent, and even with two decent jobs, will never be able to afford to buy. Can’t move to a cheaper area as my DS has only just found a school that suits his SEN and my DH job is tied to this part of the country. The house we rent is nice enough but so beige and impersonal. Can’t put posters in the kids rooms or give them a space they’d like. I feel sad knowing that as adults, they won’t be able to come back to their childhood home. Moved 8 times in 10 years. It’s just shit. Like you, I just want a normal space with a bit of storage that’s decently planned, normal people as neighbours, that kind of thing. Why is it such an impossible dream in the UK for so many?

I think that it might help you to know that lots of people look at what they can't afford, and wish they could. That isn't confined to you. Wherever you are in life, there are people who are better off than you (materially) and worse off than you.

The road to contentment is appreciating the positives about what you have.

You will waste your life thinking about what you don’t have.

Youe children will pick up on it and may end up taking after you and lead a miserable life always longing for things out of reach.

Invest your life in making the very best of what you have.

A home is a place of happiness filmed with love and laughter and doesn’t have to be the size of a mansion.

Filled not filmed.

Children are blissfully unaware in a lot of ways. I was brought up in far from ideal housing, not knowing anything else and perfectly happy. Now I’m in slightly better circumstances I’m focusing on giving my children the best possible opportunities that I didn’t know were available to me.

I agree, I dream of a decent house with space, a garden, a drive maybe, room for things like a dishwasher, a dryer, a big fridge freezer with an ice machine, room to play, a place to invite people round and and not feel embarrassed.

I am very lucky to have somewhere to live and I do tell myself that often but it seems that all my friends and DC's peers have so much more and it does hurt sometimes.

Was raised similar to your circumstances and it gave me the push to save and work hard to afford my own home.

Rhese things need to be taught in schools and ultimately be affordable to real people and not a luxury. (First house was £35K on a £12K salary) totally different now, and it really shouldn’t be.

Councils housing associations and all the slum landlords should be held to account - there is no reasons housing estates should be awful neighborhoods with sub standard housing.

Ive been there and survived, bit I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

That feeling is not because of the house that you have, it’s independent of it. You could be earning five times what you currently are but feeling exactly the same as you look at the next rung up which is still out of your reach.

It is, unfortunately, very normal to do this, to look only at those doing better, and compare ourselves with them, but the mistake is to think that if you did do better then this feeling would subside.

We spend some time in Monaco, where only wealthy people have yachts, and are pretty sure that everyone but the person on the biggest one is envious of the next one up from theirs.

The owner of the biggest one isn’t envious of anyone parked there, but he’s very worried in case someone turns up in something even bigger than his.

OP it is not the house but the people that live with you that determine if it is a happy home. You could live in a mansion but without people who make you happy what would be the point. Try to think what you do have and focus on that. Do you have people that love you? If answer is yes, then be happy.

I grew up in a council house on a not very nice estate. However, my mum always made sure the house was nice on the inside, clean and decorated regularly. It was home, and that's what I remember. Some other people's houses might look grand from the outside, but doesn't mean they will be nice happy homely places inside.
I now have the smallest house out of all my friends and colleagues, but I've made it homely and it's mine. I'm also grateful I don't have a huge house to clean and heat now!

Very normal to look at what others have and perceive it to be better. It's not always easy to follow but the key to happiness, is gratitude. If you can find a way to focus on what you have you may stop these negative thoughts.

So just to give another perspective I live in a very big house that we self built>3,50 sq ft. It looks lovely from the outside set on an acre and half, forest in the back.. I didn't come from money. My dad was a unskilled laborer and my husbands family skmilar. My house is really nice but I know it's because of luck and where I was born..... the norm in our area is to build , we don't have eststes, so all my friends have built their "dream houses". We are all children of "blue collar workers" I know if I was born in a city my standard of living wouldn't be as good as it is. The other side of the coin is that I live in the middle of no where, no access to public transport, my house will be too big to clean when I get older and too costly to heat also too costly to maintain and heat.

I think it really doesn't matter the type of house once it's clean, warm and filled with love and you take a bit of pride in it.

Best advice I can offer is compare=despair; don't waste time or energy on it

Watch Rich House Poor House, I wouldn’t say the rich people are happier, a few our but not as many as you’d think.

I've lived in lots of different kinds of houses, growing up and as an adult. I think everyone has more compromises than you'd think. I've lived in a beautiful, huge, period house with tons of space in a lovely neighborhood. But it had no garden, was a bugger to heat, absolutely no mod cons, and stressful to maintain (listed building). I've lived in a house in a lovely village with a beautiful garden, but the house itself was cramped and a bit ugly, with very little storage, and had some very loud neighbours.

At the moment I live in a small flat with no garden and not much space, no utility room etc. But it's well built, energy efficient, nice neighbours, and gorgeous location. Despite the small size we manage to cram guests in when we want to. We are very happy here. After years of moving, I'd say that the most important things are to have a house or flat that is adequate for your needs (i.e. with compromises you can live with), in a pleasant location where you feel safe, and to have a sense of security/being financially manageable and not at the whim of a bad landlord or with a mortgage that keeps you awake at night. Beyond those factors, a house won't make you much happier and how happy you are in it will depend on how happy the family itself is.

The thing is though, the OP's housing situation isn't adequate for her needs - that's the point of the post. Unless you've lived your whole life having to move every year or two and explaining to your kids why the landlord is selling up so you can't stay in the moudly, cramped and ugly place they've nevertheless learned to call home, it's hard to appreciate how soul destroying it is. Part of it is the substandard housing, part of it is the insecurity of not knowing if you'll be able to stay, or in the case of council housing, what your neighbours will do next or whether you'll get a good night's sleep that night. It's just crap. Yeah of course we can all look at the positives, but some situations are just shit, and it's faux naive to imply that all is needed is a nice checkered tablecloth, a better attitude and a lovely board game and life will be better. The housing crisis in this country is horrendous. The OPs post is reality for so many people now and it's painful being on the other side of that housing divide.

Same. I'm skint and live in a very average house. Even people on my same salary seem to be able to afford much more, more holidays etc.. I can only earn so much as a key worker, no bonuses etc. Husband is a postie and thanks to his constant striking were suffering at the moment. My kids are constantly wanting the latest game console games etc ..cant do it. The kids dont understand and I keep trying to explain the value of money but they dont get it.
Its utterly depressing. There will always be those who have and have not. I tell myself we are all warm fed etc...but there will always be the old 21 year me who thought I'd have it all.

The first house I lived in was a council
flat, my parents progressively made more money and we moved several times, each time into a better house. Honestly I don’t ever remember feeling happier when we moved to a bigger house. I just felt really sad to leave my existing home. Looking back I just remember each home as being home, each with different good things and bad things about them.
The house I live in now with my family is really too small for us but it’s in a nice place with a nice school so we are putting up with it, the kids do complain about not having a house as big as some of their friends but in some ways it’s good not to have everything you want to easily available growing up as it can make you spoilt and lazy. Growing up in a happy home with a bit less materially is not the worst thing ever.

I'm not commenting on your housing situation, except to say it's not fair that we expect so many people to live in adequate and insecure housing.

But I wanted to say, please don't write yourself off. You've got maybe 20-40 years of working left (depends on your age!). Think long-term - studying for an access course and a degree is tough - but what if you took 10 years to do it? Then you'd still have 10-30years of work left to get the benefit of it.

Plus investing in yourself like that, might help you feel better

There are some very sensible, and very true posts on here. I've just moved out of a situation such as you describe op, moving every year or two, with inadequate space in often crap houses, and no security. Things, have changed now, due to luck mostly, but I can see things from another perspective. My dh used to be miserable with our situation and just spent his time longing for something that was out of reach at the time. Whereas I used to make the most of what we did have. I used to look around at all our books and nice things which helped to make the place more homely, and think that the house itself was just four walls, and it was our family and things inside which made the place into our own home. I was much happier than dh.

Now we've moved into our own larger, much nicer house, and I ask my children which place they liked better. They all say they liked them both the same, except my oldest dd (9) who says she preferred our old one (in reality, there is no contest) . She says it was cosy (it was very cramped) and that she loved the things I used to say when we lived there, for example I'd tuck them into bed and say things like 'aren't we lucky to be cosy in bed when the weather is awful outside, but we're safe and warm inside? '. I'd say these things to convince myself, and I guess I've stopped saying them now. She misses it and it makes her miss our old house! The children had no idea of our lack of security, or issues with the house, and didn't seem to mind that we were living on top of each other with almost no floor space to play and no garden to speak of.

I can see why this would bother you, I used to
walk the dogs and look at houses and think “wow one day” now I live in a beautiful house and feel extremely lucky.

I think the housing market is terrible and I feel quite angry for those who cant get on the housing ladder despite both parents working.

I have had an extraordinary life in which I have had a very wealthy lifestyle and very poor ..

Things honestly don't matter. People in big houses with lovely things aren't any happier, still have the same heartbreaks and I'll health issues.

Don't be jealous. You have more than you think.

I rent still in my 40s, the house I live in is actually quite nice, but I still find it very hard, there's a real insecurity in renting and a fear for the future that's hard for people to understand who don't still rent.

It sounds like you own your place which means you are better off than a lot of people who don't have the security of their own home. I can see the problem is about wanting more than you have. Your children will be happy if you provide them with a stable and happy home. They will love what they have. We now got a house big enough that neither of my DCs are in a box room. But they were happy with the tiny box room they got. DC1 told me her friend was happy to share a bedroom with her sister. (DC1 is Year 7).

Work on yourself to feel happy with what you got. I spent my 20s comparing myself to those I went to school and university with. I see they earn more money and have more successful careers than me. They dressed better and had fancier holidays. It was not until my mid 30s I learned to be content with what I got.

This post is not a criticism of you. But just that comparison is the thief of joy.

Some unbelievably tone-deaf responses here. The insecurity of renting on the minimum wage has very little to do with yachts in Monaco. OP, you're not wrong to feel upset about inadequate accomodation.

I do understand, but also think there is nothing to be gained by comparing only in one direction. As well as there being people righer than you, there are also many people who do not have basic safety, shelter, food and water. I am not saying you should never feel negative feelings about what you have/don't have, but counting blessings is important for mental health.