Jealous of families with lovely houses

[Someonesproblem4]

This is going to be a rant more than anything, and I know my circumstances are to blame for not having a nice home but I feel immense jealously of people with lovely happy homes.

I’ll always be in basic minimum wage jobs as I have no qualifications, and with some mental health issues I would find it too difficult to train in something well paid.

I drive past houses on nice roads and wish I could one day live somewhere like that, in the area I like where I know I can be happy and raise my children somewhere safe to call home. I will never be able to afford a deposit to buy a house of my choice, so while I’m grateful for a roof over my head, I’m sad by the types of homes available to us. bad quality build, bad areas, bad neighbours and general homes that aren’t quite right.

We have moved house several times in hope of finding somewhere just right, but eventually they just aren’t quite what they were built up to be. I will realistically be stuck in this situation for the rest of my life, unable to find a home that has decent size rooms or nice neighbours or an area we’d prefer. I’m not even fussed about mansions or all the extra things people would love in their homes, I just want a standard house.

i know it’s a pity post and there are people far worse off, and many of those in the lovely houses have a back story, but I spend a lot of time crying and full of guilt that I’ll never be able to offer my children a good solid home for life. I’m angry that my childhood lead me to an outcome that has prevented me from earning good money to buy. But most of all I’m angry that some houses are so badly planned and built that they’re unliveable and can ruin lives. Can anyone relate?

Sorry but I think your post is nonsense. The OP feels this way because of her housing situation, so it's wrong to say 'That feeling is not because of the house you have, it's independent of it'.

I don't think offering advise about your trips to Monaco is particularly helpful.

The OP is allowed to feel fed up and dispondent at having limited choices. I am very lucky and live in a good average sized house with garden in a safe area, and I am content, I don't wish for more in the way you suggest lots of people do. It sounds really shit for the OP.

I used to be like you. I became pregnant with my ex and we lived in a small rented flat in a bad area. I used to walk around the nice areas looking in at these cosy homes, full of lovely furniture. It broke my heart that I felt we didn't have a proper home for our child. Anyway, I ended up having a miscarriage and left my ex when he became an alcoholic. I'm now with DH and we do have a nice home. I'm grateful every day to be so fortunate. Like a PP said it's the people in the house who make it a happy home. I knew a golden couple who lived in a huge detached house on the poshest street in our city. They're both very good looking, had beautiful, high achieving children and this amazing house. I know some people were sick with envy. Anyway, it turns out they were miserable as sin. He was shagging around, she was having an affair. They divorced, sold up and now both live in modest flats in very ordinary areas. They are both so much happier!! It just goes to show that a fancy house might be more comfortable but it won't bring happiness to your family.

I hear you, OP. There is a housing crisis in this country and people have been conditioned to accept it as normality. Of course it isn't right that people can't even afford a modest, decent home.

The situation you describe is clearly inadequate, to say the least, but it doesn't sound identical to the OP's.

It's understandable to want something better than you have now (especially in today's unstable housing market), but please don't ever feel that you are letting your children down by not being able to give them a fancy house etc. Material things are less important than feeling safe and loved

I completely understand where you are coming from OP. But I just want to share with you my upbringing to give you a different view. I lived with my Mum in a £1m rural home, however I also spent a lot of time with my Dad & step family who lived in a terraced council house. Whilst I did enjoy my time at home with my Mum and had a happy childhood there, I also was extremely fond of being at my Dads home and looked forward to going/staying there. It didn't matter to me that it was smaller and in the town, it was how I felt when I was there and how I loved being around my family there. At times it felt more comfortable and homely there. I also didn't really notice or pay attention to the difference in the two homes, it didn't matter to me.

I have so many happy memories centered around my Dads home which are equally as precious to me as the memories at my Mums. Please try not to assume that those in bigger homes are happier or have better childhoods.

I don't know. It's ok to rant, but I think it's pointless to be crying over it rather than working towards it, even at small steps.
It just drag your feeling down even further. Your children don't need fancy house to be happy. But you being down about it may have negative effects on them. Isn't there something positive in your life? Maybe focus on that rather than envying others?

For the sake if your MH perhaps try to focus on the positives - millions of people in the world would look with envy on what YOU have.

By all means aspire to improve your lot in life, but don't lose sight of the good things you already have.

My Polish friend thinks we are all a bit mad with our obsession for big homes. Her and her husband have good jobs, settled here for years, and they very deliberately have a tiny two bed for their family of four, with regular visits from family from abroad. They are very organised about swapping out clothes each season, ruthless about getting rid of things. They spend most of their free time out of the home being very active with their children, cycling, swimming, walking etc...in all weathers. their home is small, welcoming and uncluttered and they just prioritise other things. Takes very little time to clean. I think they are on to something.

I grew up with my mum as a single mum, we moved 7 times in 11 years and some of the houses were pretty crappy including her having to have the sofa as her place to sleep. But I have amazing memories of my childhood, she made the simple stuff exciting and we did lots of fun cheap/free stuff.

I'm now married to my DH who has a brilliant career and we were able to live with his parents to get a deposit together for a lovely big 4 bedroom house. He grew up room sharing in a tiny house and we always chat about how grateful we are to live where we do.

I wanted to comment to basically say you'd kids might not grow up in a fancy house but there's every chance they can have their own in the future, and (I know you might not have meant this) but we don't take our house for granted one single bit.

I loved my small home as a child - nothing could be better.
I live in a larger home now, and still love the neighbourly feeling and cosy house of my childhood.

Sorry to hear you are feeling like this, it’s shit the way the dice are rolled sometimes, but I wanted to comment to let you know that there is help out there if you want to better your situation.
There are hundreds of fully funded adult learning courses available, provided through the local authority. They can be either ‘community learning’, which are confidence-boosting courses on a huge range of topics - or accredited courses from entry level up, where you will gain a recognised qualification.
They are there exactly for people in your situation, please be assured you MH will be no barrier, the courses are designed to be accessible for people with any need including struggled with MH or low confidence.
I came from a very difficult background, uni wasn’t an option - but through adult learning have changed my life and now in very different circumstances. A course can lead to other courses, and better jobs - many of the training providers employ people who were learners previously.
Contact your local county council and ask for the ‘adult learning’ or ‘family learning’ department, and see what’s available in your area.

I could have written this. I have my own place but it’s a flat. My divorce left me with nothing but I managed to get myself together and buy this place. I was for a while so proud of it but now I’m realising this is it for life, I’m never going to move from here I can’t afford to and I wish so much to have a garden, just a little one and my own front door. More so for my kids than anything, but I’m painfully envious of my family and friends watching them all climb the ladder to nicer homes with loved ones and I’m a single parent who feels like I live on the edge of a life most of the time.

Jealous of families with lovely houses
I feel immense jealously of people with lovely happy homes.

Why are you conflating "happy homes" with "lovely houses"?

They are not remotely the same thing.

Exactly . Some of the happiest families I know lived in rented accommodation.

I once read an autobiography about a self made man . He and his wife started off in a council flat . He now lived in a huge house and wanted for nothing. He said he was no happier now than he was in that council flat . It's what you make it .

The grass is always greener. I can feel the same sometimes, but usually with how great other people’s lives seem. I have friends and family that are obviously financially better off than me and I do get jealous when I see that they jam-pack their holidays with fun activities that I can only dream of affording and their lives seem perfect when they post it all over social-media. But usually when I speak to them, they’re not very happy and have their own problems! Think it’s all about mindset, the moment you stop thinking about what you don’t have, think about what you do and how lucky you are. Even those beautiful houses you are seeing, aren’t that perfect and usually come with a lot of maintenance and financial upkeep, it can be stressful! And sometimes I’m relieved that I just rent, so I don’t have to worry about dealing with that kind of stuff.

OP I would say one thing, and I know it's hard to imagine this when you just assume someone is happy because they have a big house. But that is absolutely not the case.

My neighbours adult daughter has a very large modern home, but her marriage is on the brink and they keep inviting my neighbours over to eat dinner with them (obviously too awkward to have dinner without them), whenever I drive past the house I think of their issues and it doesn't look happy, it looks lonely.

I agree, there have been some weird posts on this thread, as if comparing yachts in Monaco and struggling to clean your massive self-build are at all in the same ball park. It makes me angry that people can’t afford secure decent housing. We badly need to look at tenancy and housing in general in this country so people like the op can put down roots in adequate housing. It’s not you op - the system is broken.

It’s not that simple.

If you are living in a badly-planned house in a bad area with bad neighbours, your quality of life is going to be profoundly compromised, especially if you are struggling with mental health issues, as OP states that she is.

OP states that she knows that there are people who are ‘far worse off’.

So, to tell OP that she might find it ‘helpful to know that there are people who are better and worse off’, when she’s stated her awareness of that very fact, isn’t very helpful.

To suggest that the ‘road to contentment is appreciating the positives about what you have’, is glib and emotionally tone-deaf.

OP asked if anyone could relate. If you can’t, maybe don’t post.

OP We have moved house several times in hope of finding somewhere just right, but eventually they just aren’t quite what they were built up to be

When anyone looks for a new home (rented or purchased) the onus is on THEM to check out the property and the area.

It's just not possible to present a filthy two bed damp home in a run down area as a cosy dry three bed in leafy suburb. Engage faculties; check it out.

The op said a couple of times in her post that she cannot afford to buy. What made you think she owned her own house?

Thank you to all the helpful replies and kind words. Especially zeppelintits and madantonia you’ve both hit the nail on the head and explained how I feel more clearly so thank you both.

I’m not sure where the assumptions come from that I want a huge expensive house and all the trimmings, I just want a simple home that we can be happy in. I wouldn’t care about the condition as long as it’s safe and secure. Unfortunately I’m not in a home that makes us happy, and we never have been. I’ve moved many times throughout my life and there has been several problems one after the other.

My jealousy is that people have homes that are happy and very likely to be the style and location of their choice, which I will never get the option to make. I know some people will be struggling to pay for large homes and have private things going on so it’s not necessarily a happy home, but the longing for a secure forever home is always on my mind. Unfortunately in renting you can’t be picky. Realistically I’ll never be in a position to afford a deposit to buy a home of my choice.

I appreciate the replies from those who understand and sorry to hear some of you feel/felt the same. Many are lucky enough to take it for granted having good neighbours and a safe home, whether a run down council flat or a 10 bedroom castle, the bricks aren’t relevant here, it’s the security and happiness I crave. it’s surely normal to see a visually beautiful home and wish for a moment you would have somewhere like that to call home.